Hunter's Wedding

We did it. We made it through Hunter’s wedding without Woody. I am not going to lie—it wasn’t easy. The weeks leading up to the event were heart wrenching. How was it possible that our oldest son was getting married without his dad? Who did I have to lean on while reminiscing about Hunter’s infancy through adolescence? Who would wipe my tears and hold me close when the tears began to trickle down my cheeks as Hunter pledged his love to the woman who would become first in his life?

I sat beside a chair that held a framed photo of Woody with a single white rose resting in the seat next to it. In the photograph, Woody stood in front of a body of water, just as Hunter and Lilli took their vows in front of a lake. I did not realize the connection when I chose that photo for the ceremony, but when I realized the similarities I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was as if Woody were there with us standing to the side, smiling, hands on hips, as his eldest son entered into the covenant relationship of marriage. “Thank you, God, for allowing me to feel Woody’s presence.” The tears flowed steadily as I rested my hand on the empty seat with his photo.

Loss is never simple. It leaves devastation and hopelessness in its wake. Grief is no respecter of person or place. It strikes like a snake in the grass, hidden from view waiting for the opportune time to attack. There is no preparing for it when it rears its ugly head. Yet when it does assail its unsuspecting victim, there is a remedy. God has given me the antivenin necessary to ward off the deadly effects of grief. Every time He is there—providing me comfort and hope for the future.

I know there are many more days we will have to maneuver through without Woody, and each will present its own challenges. But I also know that God will be with us, gently carrying us forward as we continue down the road that leads to healing.

Weary

I am weary. When will the storm clouds clear? When will the ache in my heart dull? When will the tears stop flowing?

Yesterday while driving through the neighborhood, a young couple sat in their driveway supervising their three young children. It brought back a flood of memories—the years we spent raising our three young children and how we cherished our time together, playing, laughing, loving. “Why can’t we go back?” I sobbed. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and relive those years with Woody by my side. I wanted another chance to live and laugh with the love of my life.

Tears. They have a will of their own. They sting and stab at my eyes. I cannot control them. Grief is an unpredictable monster devouring everyone and everything within its stead.  It consumes and confounds. And I find myself floundering within its menacing grip. Why can’t I escape? Why does it persist for so long?

I know God is with me, but even David—a man after God’s own heart—occasionally felt abandoned and alone. I am well aware of that emotion. I am living that reality. It is difficult, at best, to recognize God’s loving hand in the midst of such deep sorrow. Yet, I continue on in faith knowing that eventually I will once again distinguish God’s perfect presence in my life.

One Month Ago Today...

Today marks one month since that fateful day when our lives were forever changed. One month, and still I long for one more day—one more day to pray with you, to talk with you, to hold your hand, to hold you close, to love you completely. However, one more day was not to be, and I must hold onto the memories of the days we were given.

I have learned so much about myself during this time and about God and grief. I have learned what it is to truly mourn. I understand what it is to lament, to groan, and to feel completely hopeless. Yet, at the same time I have gained a clearer view of God’s grace and compassion. I have felt His Spirit with me every second of every day since the horrific moment you were ripped from our lives. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be without you—evidence of God’s existence. My sanity would have left me that day without supernatural intervention. Most of all, I have learned how desperately you were loved—by me, our children, family, friends, and co-workers. You were even more amazing than I realized.

I have learned, too, that our children are remarkable. We did well. All of those late night conversations full of anxiety concerning their futures and all of those prayers for their spiritual and physical growth have come to fruition.  They have drawn closer to their Heavenly Father and have relied upon His power. They are resilient and faithful. I know you must be so proud gazing upon them from your new home. They miss you tremendously! But in time, they will learn to live life bearing the void that your absence has created. They will build upon the foundation we laid together and it will never be shaken.

I love you! I feel as if I have been walking through a fog since the day you died. I still use present tense verbs when referring to you. I still reach for your hand before falling asleep. I miss everything about you! There are moments when I can almost see a light flickering through the haze, moments where a glimmer of hope lies on the horizon. But those moments are fleeting and far too few to be of lasting comfort. In time, they will become more frequent. In time, God will give me new dreams to replace the ones which were shattered with your life. Until then, I will take it one moment at a time—occasionally, one breath at a time. And I will continue to rely on our wonderful God to carry me through until the journey leads me back to you.

It's In the Little Things

Coming home to find hydrangeas in a vase

Calling first thing in the morning to say, “I love you!”

Holding hands while driving to the store.

Doing another load of laundry after washing all the clothes—just because he needs a few items to take on the road.

Putting him first in my thoughts even though he is hundreds of miles away.

Woody is home six days out of the month if we are lucky. Building intimacy is nearly impossible with an absentee spouse. However, it is all the little things that bind us together—like gentle raindrops falling on my face, providing momentary relief from the sun’s scorching rays. The gentle words, the small gifts, the acts of service—all of these things are so mundane and menial; yet through these things we say “I love you. I value you. I desire you.”

Love isn’t always romance and rockets exploding, but it is always respectful; and we discover it’s true worth in the little things.

Encourage More

Driving home this morning, I found myself behind a rather grimy semi. On the back of the trailer, someone had written in the dirt, “Encourage more.”  “What a lovely thought,” I said to myself; but then I started thinking about it. When was the last time I encouraged someone? Whom did I encourage? I wasn’t quite as fond of my answers as I thought I would be. I realized that the majority of the encouragement I provide is given to those who are not within my own family. Next on the list are my children. And who is last? Woody, the man to whom I vowed to cherish and honor. The person who should be first.

I know how hard it is sometimes to say something kind and inspiring to your spouse. Usually, when you do find time during the day to exchange ideas, your conversation is full of details—kids’ schedules, work, meal plans, bills, and a thousand other particulars. We are so preoccupied with keeping everything running smoothly that we fail to see that disregarding the most important detail—your spouse—can derail the whole train.  How hard is it to squeeze in a few words of encouragement along with all the information that a couple must share during the course of a day?

“I love the way you provide for our family. You are so helpful. You are such an honorable man. Thank you for being a godly example for our children.” These are only a few phrases that might encourage your partner in life and love. Make a list of positive phrases you might say to your spouse; and the next time you speak, throw one in. I have made my list and am ready to use it. 

Encourage more.  And to think that a dirty semi could teach me a life lesson.

Why Is Purity Important for My Future?

Almost every teenage girl has dreamed of the day that she will meet the man of her dreams. Soon afterwards, he will realize that she is the only woman he could ever love, and as he descends to one knee, he will reach into his side coat pocket and expose a black velvet ring box. “Will you marry me?” The answer is always “Yes!” and they live happily ever after.  Or do they?

Growing up on fairy tales and Barbie movies, every little girl has believed in the “happily ever after” scenario at some point in her life. However, reality is no fairy tale and the castles usually crumble shortly after the “I do’s” are whispered and the first dispute arises revealing that you are not married to Prince Charming. Instead you feel as if you kissed your prince and he turned into a toad.  Then children arrive on the scene and the fantasy falls apart. So much for happily ever after.

Marriage is difficult. It requires work and dedication. It is not for the weak. We need to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage with as little baggage as possible. Starting off with a past full of sexual sin and emotional attachments can doom a marriage before the vows are even spoken. You will not have a problem-free marriage; however, you can make decisions now that will improve and strengthen the intimacy you will have with your future husband. Marriage is difficult, but you can make it easier. Choosing a life guided by the principles of purity will increase the odds of your marriage not only surviving but also thriving.

In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines. Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is difficult during the late days of summer and early days of fall. However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time. I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested. We manage to do the same thing with sex. There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed. Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited. Do you want to rob yourself of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of the first embrace? Physical intimacy before marriage deprives you of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, our society has traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment, and we are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused. That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage. There are no gray areas. This is not one of those “disputable” matters. God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

What is God’s plan for physical intimacy?

When God created Adam, he created in Adam’s being a need for human companionship. Read Genesis 2:15-24. In verse 20, what did Adam realize?

Although surrounded by creatures of every kind, Adam was lonely. He had no one of equal status to share his newfound discoveries. God knew this would happen. He had placed within Adam a longing for companionship—the foundation of all relationships. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed a stunning woman from the same materials He had used to make Adam. Adam took one look at Eve and said, “Ah, flesh of my flesh! She will be called woman.” And as they consummated their relationship, they became one. They were married—no ceremony, no license; just God’s blessing. The physical act is what established the union of marriage. What does the Bible say in Genesis 2:24?

I think you know what “one flesh” means. Did you realize that in God’s eyes, sex equals marriage? Let’s take a look at another biblical couple. If you fast forward through the book of Genesis to chapter twenty-four, you will read the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was Abraham’s son, the fulfillment of God’s promise. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant returned to Canaan with Rebekah, Isaac was out in the field meditating. At the same time Isaac saw the servant approaching with the lovely Rebekah, Rebekah noticed him and made inquiries. When she discovered it was her husband to be, she covered herself with her veil (a sign of her virginity). Isaac made his way to the small group and was informed of all that had occurred. This maiden was to be his wife. What happened then? Did they have a time of courtship while planning a lavish wedding? No, because in that time period a ceremony did not constitute marriage. Genesis 24:67 tells us “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife.” That was it! When a man had sexual relations with a woman, he entered into a binding, covenant relationship that could not be undone. This is the union that makes us one. Sex is marriage.

Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.  Did men have the option of having casual sex with unmarried women?

Now read 2 Samuel 13:1-20.  This is the story of Tamar, a beautiful daughter of King David. Her half-brother, Amnon lusted after her to the point he thought it was love. What does Tamar say to Amnon in verse 16 after he has violated her?

Tamar knew that she would no longer be eligible for marriage. Her virginity had been defiled. She was a ruined woman. How does this compare to today’s view of a woman who has had sex before marriage?

How did we get to a point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex? If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.” Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

God’s plan for any type of physical intimacy includes guard rails to keep your life on the right path. The covenant relationship of marriage provides the protection you need. You have been entrusted with a treasure that once given away cannot easily be recovered. Your purity is priceless.

How will choosing purity impact my future?

If marriage is part of your future plans, then how you live right now determines how much intimacy you will have with your future husband. You are building the foundation right now. When you finally meet the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with, you will promise to love, cherish and honor one another until death do you part. This is a covenant relationship. Look up the word “covenant” in the dictionary.  Write the definition.

A covenant is a binding agreement.  It literally means “a coming together.” Think of it as super glue. If you glue paper together and let the adhesive dry, you have created one thick piece of paper. You cannot make it two again without causing damage to the individual pieces. The paper is ruined if you try to tear it apart. That word picture should help you to better understand what God had in mind when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

Can you join together with someone emotionally or physically and break away from that intimate relationship without being damaged? Explain your answer.

When two pieces of paper have been joined together, it is impossible to tear them apart without leaving small remnants of each piece behind on the other piece. When you make emotional and physical attachments, you cannot break off a relationship without leaving a part of you behind. How much of “you” do you want to offer to your husband? How much of your husband do you want him to offer you? Think about that question for a moment and then answer it honestly.

Those leftover pieces have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times.  They have a nasty habit of developing into full grown road blocks that obstruct the path which leads to intimacy in marriage.  Only you have the power to choose a lifestyle right now which will keep your course clear.

I realize that the society in which you live bombards you daily with hyper-sexualized images. The world’s standards are nonexistent when it comes to purity. “You only live once!” You have been taught to expect instant gratification. Why wait when you can have it all now? The “live in the moment” mindset dominates the decision making process of generations y and z.  However, you must realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your choices have consequences; and just because you cannot easily visualize the effects of the choices you make today, do not think for a moment that you have escaped them. Whether you pay now or later, you will pay.

What do you think some of the costs are of not choosing purity as a lifestyle?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage. The beauty of what God has in store is stolen. God created sex and the way He planned it is better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine. It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in the movies being released in record number that are aimed at teenage viewers. It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine. It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt. There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension. That is how God designed it. Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?

Do no buy into the terrible lies the world will feed you. Society’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned something that should be treasured and preserved into a form of self-indulgent entertainment. You will suffer great loss by believing the propaganda that is being hurled at you through music, movies, and social media. The relationship you long to have with the man to whom you will pledge your life is dependent upon the choices you make now. Choose wisely knowing that the foundation of your future is being laid right now.

My Book

Many people spend a lifetime searching for intimacy—intimacy with parents, with friends, and eventually with a spouse. Yet sometimes the road to intimacy is littered with debris from our past, and we find ourselves immobilized by our fears and failures. How do we escape the consequences of our unwise choices? How do we move into the future when our past has obstructed the way? Can spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy be restored to a marriage which seems on the verge of destruction?

These were the questions I found myself asking seven years ago. My marriage was on the verge of destruction, when I found myself on my knees pleading with God to reveal the answers to me. I didn’t realize that the journey would begin with me as God began to expose my shortcomings. Ever so slowly, God took my hand in His as He guided me on a journey that led to complete intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical.

This book was written as a study guide for women who find themselves in a battle as they try to build or discover intimacy in marriage. It answers the questions which God answered for me.  It is God’s desire to breathe new life into your marriage.  Change is never easy, especially when it begins within. However, with God leading the way, you will break free from your fears and move into His glorious light.  You will be rewarded with what every married couple has desired at some point during their lives—to be more personally connected with their spouses—one of the most important relationships they will ever have.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413718031&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Love, Honor, and Cherish?

I have a confession to make.  I have not kept my wedding vows.  I promised to “love, honor, and cherish” my husband until “death do us part,” and I barely made it through our first week of marriage before I broke at least one of those promises.

Love—honor—cherish.  Are they meaningless words echoed while gazing into the eyes of your future spouse while dreaming of the reception and honeymoon?  Or are they words that fall from your tongue while your families and friends witness the exchange of vows—vows which many of us never contemplate even once after the ceremony is over?  What do these three little transitive verbs mean?  I mean, most of us realize what it is to love; but what about to honor and to cherish?

To honor someone is to respect, to revere, and to treat him with deference.  It is to treat him with the highest regard in words and actions.  To cherish someone is very similar.  To cherish my husband, I need to treat him in an encouraging manner by protecting, aiding, and attending.  Even my mind should harbor thoughts which hold him dear and embrace him with affection. 

Proverbs 31:11-12 states, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm, all the days of her life.”  That is honor.  You will notice, these verses do not stipulate to bring him good only if he brings you good first.  This is a formidable imperative.  Am I the only one who finds it daunting?  I don’t want to honor Woody on those days when I feel as if he is being obnoxious and overbearing.  And what is this with him always thinking he has to be right?  I hate having to swallow my pride in order to make peace. 

So how do we go about keeping our vows? By going to the source of love.  God is love!  When I consider how He has given me excellence when I deserved death, then swallowing my pride in order to bring about peace becomes simple.  And just as Proverbs reveals, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”  Once I have replenished my supply, loving, honoring, and cherishing Woody is effortless.

Love, honor, and cherish—if you are struggling to keep these vows, meditate upon what the words mean.  Identify the areas in your life where you are not putting the words into action and then go to the source of all love and wisdom, and soon keeping  your wedding vows will become effortless.

What Does God Have To Do With Intimacy, Part 2

Read Genesis 2:8-25.  In verse 18 what does God say is not good for man?

God immediately recognized Adam’s need for companionship—that it was not good for man to be alone.  God had brought all of the animals to Adam, but Adam had not been able to find a companion comparable to him.

Take another look at Genesis 2:23.  What does Adam recognize immediately concerning his relationship with the woman?  He immediately realized that Eve was a part of him, the intimate connection was made.   What does it mean to you to become “one flesh?”

There is an intimacy in becoming “one flesh” that we have lost sight of in today’s society.  Since the “sexual revolution” we no longer understand the tender familiarity that should take place between a husband and a wife when they become “one flesh.”  It should be a sweet mystery to be discovered within the protective bonds of a marriage.

Verse twenty-five reads, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”  I love that visual!  To stand before each other, completely exposed, vulnerable in every sense and to experience no shame, no threat of wrongdoing by the other, to completely trust!  Have you ever stood in front of your husband completely naked, literally and figuratively?  If you have never been able to stand before your husband utterly defenseless in your nakedness, what has prevented you from doing so?

Marriage was created on the sixth day in the Garden of Eden.  God’s plan was for a man and a woman to become one and in doing so, stand unashamed before Him and each other entirely stripped of all pretenses, trusting, loving, and knowing.  We can’t genuinely know another until we have stood before him without any barriers blocking our view.

In Genesis 24:62-66 we can read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Rebekah was an answer to prayer.  She went willingly with Abraham’s servant away from all that she loved and knew to marry a man whom she had never met.  All she truly knew was that he was a man of God.  In this passage we are invited to take a glimpse into that first meeting.  We see Rebekah climbing down from her camel and covering herself.  You can almost picture Isaac taking her in, realizing God’s choice for his life.  And then verse 66 says it all, “he married Rebekah…and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”  She was his comfort, his love, his answer to prayer.  He took her into his tent without any shame, without any deception.  They became one flesh and completely understood what it meant to be in a covenant, intimate relationship with a spouse. 

Again, we see God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage.  We should be comforted and loved.  Exposed and trusting.  These two passages do not even begin to encompass all that God has planned for us as His children.  How excited I was to discover God’s purpose for my marriage!  He has the same plans for you and your marriage.  Think on that for a moment…God wants you to find love, trust, and comfort.  Do you trust God to fulfill His intentions for your marriage?  If not, ask Him now to give you the faith to know He is a God of purpose and promise.

“Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love.  Thank you for planning my life and letting the union with my spouse be a part of Your plan.  Help me to trust Your goals for my marriage.  Let me feel Your loving presence within my home, constantly holding me up and reassuring me.  In Jesus’ holy name I pray.   Amen”   

Pastor Kevin Myers of 12Stone church just co-authored a book with John Maxwell titled,  Home Run.  In the book, life is compared to a baseball diamond.  One must run to first base before he continues on to second, third, and then home.  Although we may laugh in little league to see the batter run to third base first, Kevin points out that beyond little league, it is no longer humorous.  However, in life that is exactly what we have done—we continue to run the bases backwards and wonder why we are left feeling empty and depressed by time we reach home plate.

While listening to Pastor Kevin Myers’ analogy this past Sunday, I realized that the same thing has been done when it comes to intimacy.  We have run the bases backwards.  In today’s society a couple is almost encouraged to become physically intimate upon the first date.  Sex is crammed down our throats through every venue possible—movies, television programming, commercials, magazines, music, books, etc.  The list is exhaustive!  The expectation is that a couple should have sex before marriage.  Third base has become first.

Once a couple has had sex, then they work on developing a friendship.  Yet, these friendships are superficial; there is no authenticity.  Even so, the couple—usually one party more than the other—will cling to this relationship because they know deep down that sex is an act of the utmost intimacy.  They desperately want to cultivate a committed friendship which will eventually lead to marriage.  Second base is challenging to reach.

If the couple ends up surviving this second step of the game, many times they do marry and, like in my case, after the marriage many discover God and forge a relationship with Him.  Then the task of developing spiritual intimacy begins.  After building on the physical as the foundation for the relationship, this is the most difficult step.  It requires complete disclosure.  All the masks must come off, and many times, we do not like what is revealed.  We realize we married someone we never would have chosen had we been in relationship with God at the time.  First base is nearly impossible.

If we would just run the bases as God designed, the game would go according to plan and reaching the next base would be the most natural progression.  When will we realize we cannot continue to run the bases backwards?  We cannot build intimacy with a physical bond as the adhesive.  It will never be strong enough to hold together the relationship when the storms of life come crashing through our doors.  Intimacy must be built with God as the foundation.  After that, the friendship follows, then the love making.  And what is home plate?  Fulfilling, delightful intimacy!

Fear of being hurt has prevented me from loving many people in my life.  When I became united in marriage with another person, I believed that this fear would magically disappear. I erroneously believed that all the barriers I had constructed around my heart would come crashing down with those two simple words, "I do."  However, the fortress was impenetrable.  I soon found myself feeling alone and miserable inside the prison I had constructed around my heart.  

Then I became a Christian.  "Perhaps now I will know intimacy."  And I threw myself wholeheartedly into a relationship with God, feeling that He alone would fill the void. I soon discovered that although I no longer felt alone, I still sensed an emptiness--a need for companionship which could not be satisfied through my faith.  

Intimacy is impossible to achieve in God alone. When God created man, he immediately recognized that “It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him.”[1]  God knew this because He had created man with the desire to be with someone of the opposite sex. Although Adam had been in perfect communion with God, he had still longed for human companionship.  After God created Eve, Adam’s longing was completely satisfied.  

When I became a Christian, I was convinced that God would complete me, therefore, companionship was unnecessary.   However, a relationship with the opposite sex was created in our being.  It was not until after God created them male and female that He made the observation that all was perfect.  It was not until the fall of man that this desire was distorted and morphed into something quite different than what God designed.  Now, in our sinful state that longing has been replaced or is nonexistent.  I had been searching for fulfillment in God alone, not realizing He had designed me to find complete joy in my marriage. 

My faith brought me to the realization that my fear was preventing me from loving wholly.  God blasted through the barricade and revealed to me how fulfilling marriage can be. Without Him, I would never have bothered to search beyond my faith for intimacy in my relationship with my husband.

---

[1] Genesis 2:18

The holiday season is in full swing.  There is still shopping to complete, menus to plan, and cookies to bake; and Christmas is in two days.  Talk about stress!  I feel like a rubber band which has been pulled taut and either I will snap back into place or break, the results are yet to be seen.  What does this have to do with intimacy?  A lot!  

Stress can wreak havoc on a relationship.  Rarely do two people handle tension in the same way.  Some people shut out the world, while others come out swinging.  Even the way in which we maneuver through stressful situations will impact intimacy.  We tend to lash out at those closest to us.  Feelings are wounded, pride prevents apologies, and the friendship which we have tried so hard to preserve flounders in the aftermath.  How do we survive the holiday gloom that somehow replaces the glee?

You have to eliminate pride.  There is no room for it in the realm of a relationship.  It will destroy and devour all that is worthy.  Humility will allow apologies and soothing words to heal the wounds our short tempers will inflict.  How quickly we forget how flawed we are in an attempt to justify our fallen nature!  

Putting things in perspective is another vital tool for surviving the holiday madness.  Why do we celebrate Christmas and a new year's beginning?  To commemorate new life and new beginnings and the gift of grace bestowed upon us over 2,000 years ago.  If decorating, gift-giving, and cooking has taken over your every waking moment, then it is time to sit back and reevaluate exactly what you are celebrating.  Family, friends, and fun should be at the forefront of all you do.  And if you have faith in a merciful, loving God, your first and final thoughts should be consumed with the many undeserved blessings you have received throughout your life, your spouse being one of those blessings.  Where would you be if you did not have a husband and/or children with which to celebrate this special time of the year?  What if you were alone as so many people are without a home, let alone presents to give?  Perspective makes all the difference.

Use this time wisely.  Breathe deeply.  Love completely.  The holiday season will soon end and your relationship will remain intact.

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."  Proverbs 11:2

I want to continue my conversation with young women about purity. 

Over the years, I have had the pleasure of serving middle school students in our church.  Often I have posed the question, “What is purity?” The most common answer I have received to this question is not to have sex before marriage.  This is only partly right. What about everything that can occur between holding hands and intercourse?

First, let us take a look at the literal definition of the word.  The dictionary defines purity as “freedom from adulterating matter; cleanness or clearness; freedom from evil or sin; innocence; chastity”[1]  Since chastity is mentioned in the definition, I feel it is also important to define this word.  Chastity is “virtuousness; sexual abstinence; celibacy; decency or modesty.”[2]  Both of these words are associated with moral excellence and being undefiled.  It is vital that we understand this virtue in order to experience boundless intimacy within marriage and with God.  We have to get this right!

When I think of pure as an adjective, the first thing that comes to mind is pure love.  I can honestly say my love for God is pure.  As a mother, I also think about the love I have for my children.  There is something amazingly perfect about holding an infant upon your chest while he or she sleeps and listening to the gentle breathing and gazing upon the pouty lips and upturned nose.  This type of love is not clouded with ulterior motives or selfishness.  1 Corinthians 13, in the Bible is often referred to as the “love chapter.”  In it we are told that love is patient, kind, without jealousy, humble, without boasting, considerate, not easily angered, forgiving, truthful, protecting, trusting, and never failing.  Did you notice that not one sexual reference is included in that description?  In fact, you would not dare have a sensual thought about an infant or toddler!  That would be perverted; it is absolutely unthinkable!  How could there be anything pure about that?  Ah!  Now we are getting somewhere.  How is even having a sexual thought synonymous with pure love?  It’s not.

Purity is not a physical condition.  It is a state of mind.  Lusting is not pure! We know the power of the mind can do some amazing things; but on the other hand, it can also wreak havoc in a life.  Thus purity has to start in a place where no one else can see, a place where it is easy to hide our desires and dreams.  We fantasize and never even realize how it is slowly stealing something very precious from us.  Many times a girl loses her virginity before she even crawls into bed with someone.

I have spoken to more than one young lady who thinks passionately kissing a young man with her body pressed against his was okay.  After all, she was physically pure, and never in a million years would she have sex without being married.  I have always asked the young woman in question, “What were you thinking while you were making out?  More importantly, what do you think he was thinking?”  I can guarantee you he wasn’t thinking about how smart she was or what a pretty smile she had.  No, on the contrary!  Do you want a boy mentally undressing you and having sex with you during what you believe is an innocent romp? Being the mother of two teenage boys I can assure you that when a young lady is pressed against a young man, he is aware of every curve of her body and it does arouse him.  Is that fair to either one of you?  Are you remaining pure?  Are you allowing him to maintain his purity?

Your purity is a precious, beautiful gift to bestow upon your husband.  When you get to the altar and pledge your devotion to the love of your life, how much of your purity do you want to give?  How much do you want to receive?  Protect this gem at all costs, and remember the battle begins in the mind.

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[1] Victoria Neufeldt, editor in chief, Webster’s New World College Dictionary, Third Edition, (Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1997), p. 1092

[2] Victoria Neufeldt, editor in chief, Webster’s New World College Dictionary, Third Edition, (Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1997), p. 237

While researching the topic of sexuality and empowerment, I was shocked by what many highly educated experts have to say.  I have come to the realization that just because you have a PhD in psychology does not necessarily mean your opinions are correct.  Our society has moved so far away from the truth that it is frightening.  There is definitely a very liberal agenda being pushed through our educational system.

 

Most “authorities” on the subject of a woman’s sexuality all agree that a woman should listen to her “vagina.”  If she wants to explore her sexuality, she should do so with whomever she happens to be emotionally and spiritually drawn to at the moment.  The impression is that this willingness to be completely aware of one’s own sexuality and to be able to act upon it empowers one in a way nothing else will.   Miki Kashtan, Ph.D., in an article titled “Sex, Vulnerability, and Power,”[1] put it this way:

 “I saw and felt that sexual attraction was essentially a willingness to expose a certain vulnerability to a person. In that sense, I saw attraction as a deep choice rather than a thing that happens. I had an inkling that on some level perhaps any person could be sexual with any other person, if that choice and opening become possible. Recognizing the choice, I decided to exercise it, and noticed myself opening up to the possibility with that woman. I don't remember ever before or since being so fully aware of choice, and therefore power, in the experiences of sharing sexually with anyone.”

In a moment full of sexual tension, Dr. Kashtan felt empowered because she “chose” to give in to those feelings.  How is that empowering?  I may be wrong, but how is what I conceive to be a lack of self-control demonstrating one’s power? As a woman, I find it offensive that practicing my choice to be sexually active with whomever I choose is the act one considers to empower me.  And this coming from a fellow female!  Just because you feel sexually aroused does not necessarily mean you should act upon those feelings.  Giving in to our carnal desires is not demonstrating discipline.  Discipline practiced in a life is what empowers someone.  Learning to control our primal urges is invigorating.  If one were to follow Dr. Kashtan’s advice, she would soon find herself feeling powerless.  Choosing to share sexually with someone is not the same thing as having control. 

This logic could lead to a valid argument for pedophiles.  “But a child does not have a choice,” you may counter.  Yet, a 14 year old girl can make the decision to have a sexual relationship with a 50 year old man.  Does that mean we should accept the relationship because both have chosen to share sexually?  Of course not!  Although the 14 year old may make the conscious decision to be in such a relationship, most would agree that the man would be taking advantage of someone who has yet to discover who she is.  This is not a relationship of equals. 

However, is any physical relationship before marriage truly about equality?  Usually, one is more emotionally committed than the other.  There is a duplicity that exists when two single people choose to engage in sexual activity.  Therefore, one is always at a disadvantage, just as in the aforementioned case.  Sex within marriage places two individuals on equal ground.  Protection is built into the wedding vows and the laws of our country.

Premarital sex does not empower, yet it may very well enslave you.  Self-indulgence does not equal control.  Choose to live a disciplined life rather than a life bowed to desire.

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[1] http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/acquired-spontaneity/201312/sex-vulnerability-and-power, Acquired Spontaneity, Miki Kashtan, Ph.D., December 6, 2013

A question was brought up concerning my last post.  Before I continue my conversation about purity and why it is so important for young people, I need to address the question.  If it was asked by one, it may very well have been thought by many.  The question posed was, “The assumption would be that you and Woody are incapable of having a truly intimate relationship because of the poor choices you (and/or he) made when you were younger.  As if you are somehow destined to live in an inferior relationship for the rest of your life because of those choices you/he made when you were far too young to understand the consequences.  I think sometimes a deeper intimacy can be formed because of the trials a person has been through….Is that the best way to get intimacy?  Maybe not, but isn’t it a more realistic picture of intimacy in today’s world?”

I will first address whether Woody and I were doomed to an inferior relationship.  In reality?  Yes, we were.  Our marriage was on a collision course.  We struggled to have even physical intimacy, let alone spiritual or emotional.  Our pasts threatened to devastate anything positive that might have come from our union.  We had a considerable obstacle standing in the way blocking the road which led to intimacy.  I had entered into our marriage with a duffel bag full of sexual sin slung over my shoulder.  “I hope you don’t mind if I bring a few extra guests into our marriage.  They won’t bother us too much.  I’ll only have to wrestle down those memories occasionally.  Oh, I see you have a bag, too.”  There we were, trying to bury two sizable duffels full of memories which threatened to come between us at any moment.  Many of us do the same thing.  We arrive at the altar with a suitcase either openly displayed or hidden under the bridal gown, and then we lug it into our relationships trying to keep it from popping open.  And we wonder why we struggle with intimacy?  We are incapable of standing before each other exposed and unashamed.

Before Woody and I could stand before each other completely naked in every sense of the word without shame, we had to face our guilt and let God remove our sins.  This was a long, painful process.  Yes, we were doomed, as all sinners are, but God covered our shame with His righteousness and restored our marriage.  He rescued our relationship as only He could do.  We stand before Him and before each other as new creatures.  Our union has been strengthened by a bond secured by our Savior. 

Our way was not the best way to acquire intimacy, and many who have traveled the same road never end up reaching the same destination.  Many cannot move past the road blocks, not by God’s will, but by their own.  God can and will remove anyone’s shame; however, He cannot make a move until you allow Him to do so.

Is this a more realistic picture of intimacy in today’s world?  I do not believe so, nor do I believe it has to be.  A realistic picture of intimacy in today’s world defines intimacy as sex, when in reality intimacy has nothing to do with sex.  Even sex defined by our culture is not an intimate act as designed by God.  We have taken what should be the most loving, intimate act and turned it into a form of entertainment.  How did we get to the point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex?  If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.”  Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

I addressed young people yesterday because I know there is a better way to achieve intimacy.  It is a whole lot easier to enter into union whole than it is to repair years of brokenness.  You have the opportunity to enter into a covenant relationship full of promise rather than one fragmented by the past.  Isn’t that the best way to attain intimacy?

Today's post (and the next few) is for those young ladies who are waiting for the blessed day they become someone's wife. Did you realize intimacy in marriage can be broken before your vows are even spoken?

When I was young and single I had no clue that the life I was living would come back to haunt me years later when it could have the most damaging effect.  I, like so many young people today, lived for the moment.  YOLO is not unique to this decade.  Every generation since the fall of man has had the same thought.  You only live once, so enjoy the moment to its fullest.  Do what your heart desires.  Forget about tomorrow.  The consequences of today may never come because, really, you only have this moment.  And with that philosophy, so many have made decisions which wreak havoc on their lives when the moment passes and tomorrow comes.  I woke up with regret far too many times.  However, I learned to hide my shame and accept my decisions as positive educational experiences.  How little did I know!

When our purity has been defiled, it is difficult to know true, unadulterated intimacy.  You see, intimacy deals with our innermost being-our most private or personal parts.  It is a thorough familiarity with someone or something.  If, however, it is known so well by several people, it is no longer intimate.  Then it becomes public and superficial.  Something which should be cherished within the protective bonds of marriage is cheapened by a world who encourages sexual exploration outside of marriage.  Purity must be maintained if you hope to know the beautiful bond which ties a husband and wife together.

If you only live once, shouldn't that once be the best that life has to offer?  Is "casual" sex really what is best? How is becoming so intimately acquainted with someone who may or may not be in your future, developing the commitment which will be required for marriage?  How can you hope to know true intimacy with your future spouse if you have already given away the most precious, intimate gift you had to give?

There are seasons in every marriage that feel like a drought.  The crust cracks and the flora fades.  We pray for rain to fall upon our desolate places, only to know disappointment when our prayers seem to go unanswered.  We fail to see how anything can grow under such severe conditions.  We doubt.  We falter. We fail.

Even wetlands experience drought.  Extended periods of wet and dry are necessary to improve productivity in such an area.  Over time, organic material sinks to the bottom of a wetland basin.  Without oxygen, this material can only decompose a certain amount.  The soil becomes too soft for plants to take root and grow, causing a decline in the variety of flora that may grow in that region.  This in turn impacts the whole ecosystem.  A drought rejuvenates wetland productivity.  Oxygen allows further decomposition enriching the soil with much needed nutrients.

Droughts in a marriage can also improve productivity.  Sometimes we need the arid seasons in order to allow God's healing power to breath oxygen into the softening areas of our lives.  We take the rain for granted and fail to nurture our relationships.  Intimacy is a full time commitment which needs rainy and arid seasons in order to remain fruitful.

Next time your marriage feels as if it has hit a dry spell, perhaps instead of praying for rain you should pray for God's oxygen to bring new riches into your relationship.

"To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:" Ecc. 3:1

Friendship is one of the most valuable relationships in the world.  We are told in God's word "A friend loves at all times...." (Proverbs 17:17a).  At all times?  I have questioned that adjective more than once, and never have I questioned it more than in my marriage.  The most difficult friendship to maintain is the one you have to face nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  But at the same time it should be the most intimate relationship you have.  It is rather impossible to not know someone intimately when you are waking up next to him with morning breath and surviving the time period between stepping out of bed and the first cup of coffee.  Yet so many times the friendship in marriage seems to disappear.  It gets buried in the day to day drudgery of work, carpools, children, and chores.  You spend a lot of time talking to your spouse rather than with him.  Your conversations are filled with schedules and appointments that need to be met, discipline issues that necessitate action, and finances, finances, finances.  There is no time to develop a fondness for the other's qualities or mind, and if you are not spiritually growing as a couple, there never will be.  Then one day after ten plus years of marriage, children, and a mortgage you may find you are sitting across the table from a stranger who occasionally provides physical comfort and shares the family's responsibilities.  Does this sound familiar?  Perhaps, perhaps not; but that was my story.  So much for loving at all times.  Heck, I was struggling to like at any times.

Friendship requires respect, and so often our problems with honoring others stem from our lack of self-respects.  Self-respect requires understanding your value in God's eyes.  Do you know without a shadow of doubt God values you?  You may think, "Yea, great!  But you don't know the things I've done.  You don't know how I struggle with anger or bitterness or self-control.  You don't see the things lurking in my past.  So, that's easy for you to say.  I'm a stay-at-home mom or under appreciated employee.  I feel so de-valued!"  Guess what.  I have said all of those things.  I struggle with anger control; it is a horrible demon that God has to help me battle daily, and sometimes I lose.  I have been bitter.  I have a past that causes me to shudder in shame anytime I recall it.  I am a stay-at-home mom and have been for 17 years.  Trust me, there have been days when I have really struggled to see the value in changing diaper after diaper, cooking, cleaning, and lending my talents as a full time taxi service.  I put my education on hold in order to home educate my children, which some may think is admirable; however, in a community of women with post-graduate degrees and flourishing careers, I feel inadequate.  No one is more flawed than I am.  Nonetheless, God still values me just as He values you.  Once you realize this, respecting others becomes easy.

Do you find your lack of respect for others is rooted in insecurity?  If so, go to the One who will always love and value you.  Once you realize how precious you are, you can begin healing the friendships in your life which have suffered due to a lack of respect.  You can learn to love at all times once again.

We have all experienced loss and disappointment.  We have watched as our dreams burst into flames, slowly fell to the ground and settled among the ash heaps.  It is devastating to watch an idea in which we have believed whole heartily, lose momentum and die.

Many times that is exactly what happens in marriage.  We dream of the wedding, the exquisite dress, the fragrant flowers which will fill the church with their glorious beauty.  We envision our friends dancing gaily with us during the reception and then being scooped up into our husband's strong arms to enjoy our first night of wedded bliss.  We spend so much time preparing for that one day we forget about the 20,000 days which may follow.  Unfortunately, those days come without the dress, the flowers, or the dancing.  Our dreams of happily ever after go up in smoke, along with so many others.  "This is not what I imagined marriage would be," we find ourselves thinking.  And we fall into a pit of bitterness as disappointment spreads through our ideas, crushing our spirits.

What if we spent as much time preparing for the days to follow the wedding as we do preparing for the day itself?  We spent thirteen months preparing for our wedding, yet not once did we contemplate the days to follow. What a shock it was to realize that two individuals trying to become one unit takes time and patience! We were not prepared for life after the honeymoon.  It took twice as long to prepare for "death do us part" after the wedding than if would have if we had just made the necessary preparations before hand.  Why do we spend so much time consumed with one day?  Once the cake is gone and the soiree has ceased, you are bound to someone who will not always be delightful.  

How do we make provisions for a lifetime spent in wedded bliss?  Perhaps that is the answer for which we should be searching, rather than whether or not black is an appropriate color for bride's maid dresses.  

Let God prepare your heart for a lifetime of loving rather than a day of delight.

Sometimes the past lurks in the shadows, hiding from the light, spreading darkness.  Other times it stands out in the open, staring into our souls, destroying our hopes for the future. We stuff our memories deep into a closet, covering them up with odds and ends; then we close the door and stand with our backs up against it, hoping that nothing escapes and no one sees what we have hidden away in the recesses of our minds.

Our past has the ability to steal our present and future joy.  How?  By leaving us discontent with our present circumstances by constantly comparing events to the past, which somehow end up being glorified versions of reality.  We leave out details when reminiscing, details which were important because they caused much pain and suffering.  

Those memories stand in the way, blocking the path to intimacy.  How can we expect to truly be transparent when we are hiding behind days gone by with our backs against the closet door that is holding all of our secrets?  We can't.  But there is a solution.  God is in our midst, waiting for permission to empty our closets, to place everything into a bag, and to throw our past transgression into the deepest sea.  He can remove the road block.  He can make us new.

What is it in your past which you are holding onto which is preventing you from experiencing all the joy and intimacy that is waiting for you inside your marriage?  It is time to get out the black sharpie and mark through all of those things.  Quit highlighting a glorified version of your past.  Instead, let God highlight the present and lead you into a bright, new future.

Job 14:17 "My offenses will be sealed up in a bag; you will cover over my sin."