Why does it still hurt so badly?
The tears that stream down my face seem to be excessive. Shouldn’t the
emotional pool that holds my grief be empty by now? Surely I have wept enough.
But watching Haden break down in blubbering sobs is more than this mother can
bear. He turned 17 yesterday—a young man. When Woody died he was a child of 14,
and today it hit him that he is growing up without his dad. “I just want a dad!”
he cried into my shoulder as I held his trembling body. “I’m growing up and I
just want him here to see me!” There was nothing to say. No words to soothe
away the pain. I just held him and tried to keep my tears at bay. He needed me
to be strong for the two of us, although I felt as if I were being crushed
beneath the weight of his sorrow.
It is wrong. There is nothing
right about a boy growing up without his father no matter what the
circumstances may be. Yet there are so many who are be it through death,
divorce, or desertion. And yes, God is our Heavenly Father; however, that does
not take the place of a dad’s hug or a seat in the bleachers. It is difficult
to see God’s hand in a situation that seems hopeless. Nevertheless, we keep
pushing forward with faith knowing that someday eternity awaits and finally the
tears will run dry and there will be no more pain or sorrow. For now though, we
struggle through unmentionable grief and the harsh reality that sometimes a boy’s
earthly father won’t be there to see him grow from a boy to a man. It is wrong,
but it is reality.
Today I mourn Haden’s loss more
than my own, and though I wish there were some words of wisdom to bring us both
comfort, there aren’t. This is one of those times we plow through the pain and
wait for God’s comfort to heal our brokenness. Until then, I will continue to
wonder just how many tears remain in my emotional pool of grief.
