I am frequently asked by others
what they should say or do when a friend has lost someone to death. I thought
it was time to make a list of my top five things not to say or do. I hope
this helps those who are really concerned about supporting the grieving.
First and foremost put the idea
out of your head right now that you can say or do something to remove the pain
and heal the grieving person. You can’t. Your vain attempts may do more harm
than good. So often individuals puffed up with self-importance believe they
know exactly what to say and that their words will be the magic pill to swallow
and eliminate all the pain. They are wrong. There is nothing anyone on this
planet can do to remove that sort of anguish. The sooner you swallow your pride
and realize that, the better. Your presence means more than 1,000 words. Care
for the grieving person’s needs. Take them dinner. Run errands for them. Offer
to stay with them through the night. Prove your concern through your actions.
Do not question the grieving
person’s faith/spirituality. This is not the time to demonstrate your
theological prowess and educate the person as to why their thinking is flawed.
You are not the Holy Spirit, so quit trying to do His job. Trust God to work
through the grieving process, and if there comes a time in the person’s life
when he/she seeks your advice, give it humbly and sparingly, remembering how
fragile the person is.
Do not avoid the person or act
like nothing has changed when you do see him/her. EVERYTHING has changed! That person’s world will never spin on the
same axis. Their foundation has crumbled. A grieving person questions
everything that was ever known, every belief, and suddenly nothing can be trusted
because he/she has learned that in a millisecond the whole world can come
crashing down around you. If ever your friendship was needed it is now!
Grieving people need to know that you can be trusted and you will be consistent.
They need you to acknowledge the loss and ask questions about how they are
coping in the moment. They need to know you care. I know it’s awkward, but
trust me it’s a hell of a lot more than “awkward” for the grieving person. So,
get over yourself and be the friend you have always claimed to be.
Do not EVER say, “I know how you feel” or any variation of that statement
because you do not know how any other
person feels! I don’t care if you have experienced the exact same type of
loss in the exact same way. That is where the similarities end. People grieve
uniquely based on biological, emotional, relational, spiritual, and
intellectual factors. It is offensive to grieving people when you try to equate
whatever experience you have had to theirs. Then you make it about you and your
loss. For now, just listen and try to understand admitting you never will. You
are not God, so give up.
Finally, do not try to rush
grief. Do not get impatient when six months to a year someone is still hurting
over the death of his/her loved one. It may take up to five years or longer
before a grieving person begins to heal from grief. Now, if after two years
there is absolutely no change, then suggest some type of grief counseling or
group therapy and offer to go along for moral support. However, do not make the
person feel like there is something wrong because he/she needs a little help
processing the pain. Encourage them to realize little steps they have made
towards recovery and be patient.
Remember, your friend may never
be the same. Loss changes you. However, your friend will find a way back to you
and your relationship. It just takes time. Although the loss seems like an
event far in the past for you, for your friend it may feel like yesterday.
Someday he/she will learn how to smile again and find joy in living, but right
now it takes every ounce of energy just to breathe and do the next thing.
