I have watched with curiosity while the whole “Duck Dynasty” hoopla has played out.  I still have yet to read the whole article in question in which Phil Robertson is accused of being homophobic and racist.  I have only heard and read snippets of the interview, all taken out of context I am sure.  The Robertson family appears to be a family of strong, biblical faith.  I have seen and heard far more positive coverage of the family than negative.  I am convinced that Mr. Robertson’s comments have been sensationalized and his intent was not to be hateful or hurtful to anyone.

That being said, I would like to address the issue of what he is accused of saying and why I believe as a Christian he should have kept his mouth shut on such matters when being interviewed for a magazine such as GQ.  In Matthew 7, Jesus told his listeners not to give what is sacred to dogs.  GQ magazine is not a Christian publication which targets a Christian population.  Why would someone attempt to define what is “sin” with a periodical that clearly is not concerned with the definition?

Another teaching Jesus gave his followers in Matthew 7, is not to hypocritically judge others.  Why bother cleaning up your neighbor’s minute mess when you have a junk pile in your own back yard which needs to be cleaned up?  Before a Christian sits down and starts condemning homosexuality, he needs to make sure the sins in his own life are not weighing him down.  Romans 1:29-32, gives a comprehensive list:  greed, envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant, boastful, disobedient to their parents, senseless, faithless, heartless, and ruthless.  I look at this list and realize there is so much work to do in my own life; I do not have the time to go around telling others what sins they need to take care of in their lives.  If someone comes to me and asks for guidance, I am more than happy to point him or her to the One who can help.  Why do we as Christians spend so much time judging the sins in the lives of others rather than nourishing the relationships with which God may bless us?  Instead of pointing to a particular group of sinners (by the way, we are ALL sinners) and saying, “You’re wrong;” we should be introducing them to the One who has the power to redeem everyone from his or her pain and sin and give new beginnings. 

1 Corinthians 5:9-13, makes it quite clear that judging people outside of the church is God’s work, not mine.  My job is to love those who are outside of God’s loving embrace.  Through my love they may very well come to know Him who loves them no matter where they are and who they love.  Perhaps next time Mr. Robertson is interviewed, he will remember all of Christ’s teaching. 

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”  Jesus replied: “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Matthew 22:36-39

Fear of being hurt has prevented me from loving many people in my life.  When I became united in marriage with another person, I believed that this fear would magically disappear. I erroneously believed that all the barriers I had constructed around my heart would come crashing down with those two simple words, "I do."  However, the fortress was impenetrable.  I soon found myself feeling alone and miserable inside the prison I had constructed around my heart.  

Then I became a Christian.  "Perhaps now I will know intimacy."  And I threw myself wholeheartedly into a relationship with God, feeling that He alone would fill the void. I soon discovered that although I no longer felt alone, I still sensed an emptiness--a need for companionship which could not be satisfied through my faith.  

Intimacy is impossible to achieve in God alone. When God created man, he immediately recognized that “It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him.”[1]  God knew this because He had created man with the desire to be with someone of the opposite sex. Although Adam had been in perfect communion with God, he had still longed for human companionship.  After God created Eve, Adam’s longing was completely satisfied.  

When I became a Christian, I was convinced that God would complete me, therefore, companionship was unnecessary.   However, a relationship with the opposite sex was created in our being.  It was not until after God created them male and female that He made the observation that all was perfect.  It was not until the fall of man that this desire was distorted and morphed into something quite different than what God designed.  Now, in our sinful state that longing has been replaced or is nonexistent.  I had been searching for fulfillment in God alone, not realizing He had designed me to find complete joy in my marriage. 

My faith brought me to the realization that my fear was preventing me from loving wholly.  God blasted through the barricade and revealed to me how fulfilling marriage can be. Without Him, I would never have bothered to search beyond my faith for intimacy in my relationship with my husband.

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[1] Genesis 2:18

The holiday season is in full swing.  There is still shopping to complete, menus to plan, and cookies to bake; and Christmas is in two days.  Talk about stress!  I feel like a rubber band which has been pulled taut and either I will snap back into place or break, the results are yet to be seen.  What does this have to do with intimacy?  A lot!  

Stress can wreak havoc on a relationship.  Rarely do two people handle tension in the same way.  Some people shut out the world, while others come out swinging.  Even the way in which we maneuver through stressful situations will impact intimacy.  We tend to lash out at those closest to us.  Feelings are wounded, pride prevents apologies, and the friendship which we have tried so hard to preserve flounders in the aftermath.  How do we survive the holiday gloom that somehow replaces the glee?

You have to eliminate pride.  There is no room for it in the realm of a relationship.  It will destroy and devour all that is worthy.  Humility will allow apologies and soothing words to heal the wounds our short tempers will inflict.  How quickly we forget how flawed we are in an attempt to justify our fallen nature!  

Putting things in perspective is another vital tool for surviving the holiday madness.  Why do we celebrate Christmas and a new year's beginning?  To commemorate new life and new beginnings and the gift of grace bestowed upon us over 2,000 years ago.  If decorating, gift-giving, and cooking has taken over your every waking moment, then it is time to sit back and reevaluate exactly what you are celebrating.  Family, friends, and fun should be at the forefront of all you do.  And if you have faith in a merciful, loving God, your first and final thoughts should be consumed with the many undeserved blessings you have received throughout your life, your spouse being one of those blessings.  Where would you be if you did not have a husband and/or children with which to celebrate this special time of the year?  What if you were alone as so many people are without a home, let alone presents to give?  Perspective makes all the difference.

Use this time wisely.  Breathe deeply.  Love completely.  The holiday season will soon end and your relationship will remain intact.

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."  Proverbs 11:2

I want to continue my conversation with young women about purity. 

Over the years, I have had the pleasure of serving middle school students in our church.  Often I have posed the question, “What is purity?” The most common answer I have received to this question is not to have sex before marriage.  This is only partly right. What about everything that can occur between holding hands and intercourse?

First, let us take a look at the literal definition of the word.  The dictionary defines purity as “freedom from adulterating matter; cleanness or clearness; freedom from evil or sin; innocence; chastity”[1]  Since chastity is mentioned in the definition, I feel it is also important to define this word.  Chastity is “virtuousness; sexual abstinence; celibacy; decency or modesty.”[2]  Both of these words are associated with moral excellence and being undefiled.  It is vital that we understand this virtue in order to experience boundless intimacy within marriage and with God.  We have to get this right!

When I think of pure as an adjective, the first thing that comes to mind is pure love.  I can honestly say my love for God is pure.  As a mother, I also think about the love I have for my children.  There is something amazingly perfect about holding an infant upon your chest while he or she sleeps and listening to the gentle breathing and gazing upon the pouty lips and upturned nose.  This type of love is not clouded with ulterior motives or selfishness.  1 Corinthians 13, in the Bible is often referred to as the “love chapter.”  In it we are told that love is patient, kind, without jealousy, humble, without boasting, considerate, not easily angered, forgiving, truthful, protecting, trusting, and never failing.  Did you notice that not one sexual reference is included in that description?  In fact, you would not dare have a sensual thought about an infant or toddler!  That would be perverted; it is absolutely unthinkable!  How could there be anything pure about that?  Ah!  Now we are getting somewhere.  How is even having a sexual thought synonymous with pure love?  It’s not.

Purity is not a physical condition.  It is a state of mind.  Lusting is not pure! We know the power of the mind can do some amazing things; but on the other hand, it can also wreak havoc in a life.  Thus purity has to start in a place where no one else can see, a place where it is easy to hide our desires and dreams.  We fantasize and never even realize how it is slowly stealing something very precious from us.  Many times a girl loses her virginity before she even crawls into bed with someone.

I have spoken to more than one young lady who thinks passionately kissing a young man with her body pressed against his was okay.  After all, she was physically pure, and never in a million years would she have sex without being married.  I have always asked the young woman in question, “What were you thinking while you were making out?  More importantly, what do you think he was thinking?”  I can guarantee you he wasn’t thinking about how smart she was or what a pretty smile she had.  No, on the contrary!  Do you want a boy mentally undressing you and having sex with you during what you believe is an innocent romp? Being the mother of two teenage boys I can assure you that when a young lady is pressed against a young man, he is aware of every curve of her body and it does arouse him.  Is that fair to either one of you?  Are you remaining pure?  Are you allowing him to maintain his purity?

Your purity is a precious, beautiful gift to bestow upon your husband.  When you get to the altar and pledge your devotion to the love of your life, how much of your purity do you want to give?  How much do you want to receive?  Protect this gem at all costs, and remember the battle begins in the mind.

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[1] Victoria Neufeldt, editor in chief, Webster’s New World College Dictionary, Third Edition, (Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1997), p. 1092

[2] Victoria Neufeldt, editor in chief, Webster’s New World College Dictionary, Third Edition, (Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1997), p. 237

While researching the topic of sexuality and empowerment, I was shocked by what many highly educated experts have to say.  I have come to the realization that just because you have a PhD in psychology does not necessarily mean your opinions are correct.  Our society has moved so far away from the truth that it is frightening.  There is definitely a very liberal agenda being pushed through our educational system.

 

Most “authorities” on the subject of a woman’s sexuality all agree that a woman should listen to her “vagina.”  If she wants to explore her sexuality, she should do so with whomever she happens to be emotionally and spiritually drawn to at the moment.  The impression is that this willingness to be completely aware of one’s own sexuality and to be able to act upon it empowers one in a way nothing else will.   Miki Kashtan, Ph.D., in an article titled “Sex, Vulnerability, and Power,”[1] put it this way:

 “I saw and felt that sexual attraction was essentially a willingness to expose a certain vulnerability to a person. In that sense, I saw attraction as a deep choice rather than a thing that happens. I had an inkling that on some level perhaps any person could be sexual with any other person, if that choice and opening become possible. Recognizing the choice, I decided to exercise it, and noticed myself opening up to the possibility with that woman. I don't remember ever before or since being so fully aware of choice, and therefore power, in the experiences of sharing sexually with anyone.”

In a moment full of sexual tension, Dr. Kashtan felt empowered because she “chose” to give in to those feelings.  How is that empowering?  I may be wrong, but how is what I conceive to be a lack of self-control demonstrating one’s power? As a woman, I find it offensive that practicing my choice to be sexually active with whomever I choose is the act one considers to empower me.  And this coming from a fellow female!  Just because you feel sexually aroused does not necessarily mean you should act upon those feelings.  Giving in to our carnal desires is not demonstrating discipline.  Discipline practiced in a life is what empowers someone.  Learning to control our primal urges is invigorating.  If one were to follow Dr. Kashtan’s advice, she would soon find herself feeling powerless.  Choosing to share sexually with someone is not the same thing as having control. 

This logic could lead to a valid argument for pedophiles.  “But a child does not have a choice,” you may counter.  Yet, a 14 year old girl can make the decision to have a sexual relationship with a 50 year old man.  Does that mean we should accept the relationship because both have chosen to share sexually?  Of course not!  Although the 14 year old may make the conscious decision to be in such a relationship, most would agree that the man would be taking advantage of someone who has yet to discover who she is.  This is not a relationship of equals. 

However, is any physical relationship before marriage truly about equality?  Usually, one is more emotionally committed than the other.  There is a duplicity that exists when two single people choose to engage in sexual activity.  Therefore, one is always at a disadvantage, just as in the aforementioned case.  Sex within marriage places two individuals on equal ground.  Protection is built into the wedding vows and the laws of our country.

Premarital sex does not empower, yet it may very well enslave you.  Self-indulgence does not equal control.  Choose to live a disciplined life rather than a life bowed to desire.

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[1] http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/acquired-spontaneity/201312/sex-vulnerability-and-power, Acquired Spontaneity, Miki Kashtan, Ph.D., December 6, 2013

A question was brought up concerning my last post.  Before I continue my conversation about purity and why it is so important for young people, I need to address the question.  If it was asked by one, it may very well have been thought by many.  The question posed was, “The assumption would be that you and Woody are incapable of having a truly intimate relationship because of the poor choices you (and/or he) made when you were younger.  As if you are somehow destined to live in an inferior relationship for the rest of your life because of those choices you/he made when you were far too young to understand the consequences.  I think sometimes a deeper intimacy can be formed because of the trials a person has been through….Is that the best way to get intimacy?  Maybe not, but isn’t it a more realistic picture of intimacy in today’s world?”

I will first address whether Woody and I were doomed to an inferior relationship.  In reality?  Yes, we were.  Our marriage was on a collision course.  We struggled to have even physical intimacy, let alone spiritual or emotional.  Our pasts threatened to devastate anything positive that might have come from our union.  We had a considerable obstacle standing in the way blocking the road which led to intimacy.  I had entered into our marriage with a duffel bag full of sexual sin slung over my shoulder.  “I hope you don’t mind if I bring a few extra guests into our marriage.  They won’t bother us too much.  I’ll only have to wrestle down those memories occasionally.  Oh, I see you have a bag, too.”  There we were, trying to bury two sizable duffels full of memories which threatened to come between us at any moment.  Many of us do the same thing.  We arrive at the altar with a suitcase either openly displayed or hidden under the bridal gown, and then we lug it into our relationships trying to keep it from popping open.  And we wonder why we struggle with intimacy?  We are incapable of standing before each other exposed and unashamed.

Before Woody and I could stand before each other completely naked in every sense of the word without shame, we had to face our guilt and let God remove our sins.  This was a long, painful process.  Yes, we were doomed, as all sinners are, but God covered our shame with His righteousness and restored our marriage.  He rescued our relationship as only He could do.  We stand before Him and before each other as new creatures.  Our union has been strengthened by a bond secured by our Savior. 

Our way was not the best way to acquire intimacy, and many who have traveled the same road never end up reaching the same destination.  Many cannot move past the road blocks, not by God’s will, but by their own.  God can and will remove anyone’s shame; however, He cannot make a move until you allow Him to do so.

Is this a more realistic picture of intimacy in today’s world?  I do not believe so, nor do I believe it has to be.  A realistic picture of intimacy in today’s world defines intimacy as sex, when in reality intimacy has nothing to do with sex.  Even sex defined by our culture is not an intimate act as designed by God.  We have taken what should be the most loving, intimate act and turned it into a form of entertainment.  How did we get to the point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex?  If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.”  Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

I addressed young people yesterday because I know there is a better way to achieve intimacy.  It is a whole lot easier to enter into union whole than it is to repair years of brokenness.  You have the opportunity to enter into a covenant relationship full of promise rather than one fragmented by the past.  Isn’t that the best way to attain intimacy?

Today's post (and the next few) is for those young ladies who are waiting for the blessed day they become someone's wife. Did you realize intimacy in marriage can be broken before your vows are even spoken?

When I was young and single I had no clue that the life I was living would come back to haunt me years later when it could have the most damaging effect.  I, like so many young people today, lived for the moment.  YOLO is not unique to this decade.  Every generation since the fall of man has had the same thought.  You only live once, so enjoy the moment to its fullest.  Do what your heart desires.  Forget about tomorrow.  The consequences of today may never come because, really, you only have this moment.  And with that philosophy, so many have made decisions which wreak havoc on their lives when the moment passes and tomorrow comes.  I woke up with regret far too many times.  However, I learned to hide my shame and accept my decisions as positive educational experiences.  How little did I know!

When our purity has been defiled, it is difficult to know true, unadulterated intimacy.  You see, intimacy deals with our innermost being-our most private or personal parts.  It is a thorough familiarity with someone or something.  If, however, it is known so well by several people, it is no longer intimate.  Then it becomes public and superficial.  Something which should be cherished within the protective bonds of marriage is cheapened by a world who encourages sexual exploration outside of marriage.  Purity must be maintained if you hope to know the beautiful bond which ties a husband and wife together.

If you only live once, shouldn't that once be the best that life has to offer?  Is "casual" sex really what is best? How is becoming so intimately acquainted with someone who may or may not be in your future, developing the commitment which will be required for marriage?  How can you hope to know true intimacy with your future spouse if you have already given away the most precious, intimate gift you had to give?

There are seasons in every marriage that feel like a drought.  The crust cracks and the flora fades.  We pray for rain to fall upon our desolate places, only to know disappointment when our prayers seem to go unanswered.  We fail to see how anything can grow under such severe conditions.  We doubt.  We falter. We fail.

Even wetlands experience drought.  Extended periods of wet and dry are necessary to improve productivity in such an area.  Over time, organic material sinks to the bottom of a wetland basin.  Without oxygen, this material can only decompose a certain amount.  The soil becomes too soft for plants to take root and grow, causing a decline in the variety of flora that may grow in that region.  This in turn impacts the whole ecosystem.  A drought rejuvenates wetland productivity.  Oxygen allows further decomposition enriching the soil with much needed nutrients.

Droughts in a marriage can also improve productivity.  Sometimes we need the arid seasons in order to allow God's healing power to breath oxygen into the softening areas of our lives.  We take the rain for granted and fail to nurture our relationships.  Intimacy is a full time commitment which needs rainy and arid seasons in order to remain fruitful.

Next time your marriage feels as if it has hit a dry spell, perhaps instead of praying for rain you should pray for God's oxygen to bring new riches into your relationship.

"To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:" Ecc. 3:1