It’s the dreams that kill me. I
can manage the days so well, in complete control of my environment and my
thoughts and then the night comes. My mind is no longer being directed by my
consciousness and it ransacks my memories and creates illusions that, although
pleasant at the time, remind me of the loss and loneliness. I am startled awake
by the chimes of my alarm clock; and I have to take a moment to remember where
I am, why I set my alarm, and what day it is. As consciousness awakens to
reality, I remember that the security and comfort I was enveloped in only a few
moments before as I wandered through the dream state is not real. That is not
my reality anymore. Instead I am left with a longing—an aching really—for the
only man whom I have ever loved.
Grief is a process and
unfortunately, there is not a manual that can adequately guide anyone through
it. It is not a “one size fits all” item. It cannot be analyzed, categorized, and
placed neatly on a bookshelf ready to be perused at leisure. It is as unique as
the individual who experiences it. There are no words which can minimize the
effect, although people try in vain to do so. And unless you have been thrown
into the gloomy, desolate pit that grief creates and have had to fight for
every breath, you cannot fully comprehend or appreciate just how debilitating
grief can be. The only glimmer of hope I have had through the whole process has
been found in my faith. Although I have been absolutely crushed under the
weight of despair, I have felt a peace that can only be explained through the
existence of an omnipotent God. However, even faith cannot shelter one from the
anguish of loss and horrific trauma. It merely keeps one moving in the face of
an overwhelming desire to quit. Faith helps keep the process of healing moving
forward.
I am hopeful that someday the
dreams in which Woody is alive and well and doing life with me will be as
pleasant visitations rather than sorrowful reminders. I am hopeful, too, that I
will continue to find joy in the moment. On the tenth it will be one year and
six months since that fateful day. Although I am still damaged, progress is
being made. I need only look back through my blog posts to see that. I am moving
in the right direction. There will just be days when it feels as if I am going
nowhere, and today is one of those days because of a dream. But someday not
even the dreams will slow me down. I’m just not there yet.
