Friendship is one of the most valuable relationships in the world.  We are told in God's word "A friend loves at all times...." (Proverbs 17:17a).  At all times?  I have questioned that adjective more than once, and never have I questioned it more than in my marriage.  The most difficult friendship to maintain is the one you have to face nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  But at the same time it should be the most intimate relationship you have.  It is rather impossible to not know someone intimately when you are waking up next to him with morning breath and surviving the time period between stepping out of bed and the first cup of coffee.  Yet so many times the friendship in marriage seems to disappear.  It gets buried in the day to day drudgery of work, carpools, children, and chores.  You spend a lot of time talking to your spouse rather than with him.  Your conversations are filled with schedules and appointments that need to be met, discipline issues that necessitate action, and finances, finances, finances.  There is no time to develop a fondness for the other's qualities or mind, and if you are not spiritually growing as a couple, there never will be.  Then one day after ten plus years of marriage, children, and a mortgage you may find you are sitting across the table from a stranger who occasionally provides physical comfort and shares the family's responsibilities.  Does this sound familiar?  Perhaps, perhaps not; but that was my story.  So much for loving at all times.  Heck, I was struggling to like at any times.

Friendship requires respect, and so often our problems with honoring others stem from our lack of self-respects.  Self-respect requires understanding your value in God's eyes.  Do you know without a shadow of doubt God values you?  You may think, "Yea, great!  But you don't know the things I've done.  You don't know how I struggle with anger or bitterness or self-control.  You don't see the things lurking in my past.  So, that's easy for you to say.  I'm a stay-at-home mom or under appreciated employee.  I feel so de-valued!"  Guess what.  I have said all of those things.  I struggle with anger control; it is a horrible demon that God has to help me battle daily, and sometimes I lose.  I have been bitter.  I have a past that causes me to shudder in shame anytime I recall it.  I am a stay-at-home mom and have been for 17 years.  Trust me, there have been days when I have really struggled to see the value in changing diaper after diaper, cooking, cleaning, and lending my talents as a full time taxi service.  I put my education on hold in order to home educate my children, which some may think is admirable; however, in a community of women with post-graduate degrees and flourishing careers, I feel inadequate.  No one is more flawed than I am.  Nonetheless, God still values me just as He values you.  Once you realize this, respecting others becomes easy.

Do you find your lack of respect for others is rooted in insecurity?  If so, go to the One who will always love and value you.  Once you realize how precious you are, you can begin healing the friendships in your life which have suffered due to a lack of respect.  You can learn to love at all times once again.

We have all experienced loss and disappointment.  We have watched as our dreams burst into flames, slowly fell to the ground and settled among the ash heaps.  It is devastating to watch an idea in which we have believed whole heartily, lose momentum and die.

Many times that is exactly what happens in marriage.  We dream of the wedding, the exquisite dress, the fragrant flowers which will fill the church with their glorious beauty.  We envision our friends dancing gaily with us during the reception and then being scooped up into our husband's strong arms to enjoy our first night of wedded bliss.  We spend so much time preparing for that one day we forget about the 20,000 days which may follow.  Unfortunately, those days come without the dress, the flowers, or the dancing.  Our dreams of happily ever after go up in smoke, along with so many others.  "This is not what I imagined marriage would be," we find ourselves thinking.  And we fall into a pit of bitterness as disappointment spreads through our ideas, crushing our spirits.

What if we spent as much time preparing for the days to follow the wedding as we do preparing for the day itself?  We spent thirteen months preparing for our wedding, yet not once did we contemplate the days to follow. What a shock it was to realize that two individuals trying to become one unit takes time and patience! We were not prepared for life after the honeymoon.  It took twice as long to prepare for "death do us part" after the wedding than if would have if we had just made the necessary preparations before hand.  Why do we spend so much time consumed with one day?  Once the cake is gone and the soiree has ceased, you are bound to someone who will not always be delightful.  

How do we make provisions for a lifetime spent in wedded bliss?  Perhaps that is the answer for which we should be searching, rather than whether or not black is an appropriate color for bride's maid dresses.  

Let God prepare your heart for a lifetime of loving rather than a day of delight.

Sometimes the past lurks in the shadows, hiding from the light, spreading darkness.  Other times it stands out in the open, staring into our souls, destroying our hopes for the future. We stuff our memories deep into a closet, covering them up with odds and ends; then we close the door and stand with our backs up against it, hoping that nothing escapes and no one sees what we have hidden away in the recesses of our minds.

Our past has the ability to steal our present and future joy.  How?  By leaving us discontent with our present circumstances by constantly comparing events to the past, which somehow end up being glorified versions of reality.  We leave out details when reminiscing, details which were important because they caused much pain and suffering.  

Those memories stand in the way, blocking the path to intimacy.  How can we expect to truly be transparent when we are hiding behind days gone by with our backs against the closet door that is holding all of our secrets?  We can't.  But there is a solution.  God is in our midst, waiting for permission to empty our closets, to place everything into a bag, and to throw our past transgression into the deepest sea.  He can remove the road block.  He can make us new.

What is it in your past which you are holding onto which is preventing you from experiencing all the joy and intimacy that is waiting for you inside your marriage?  It is time to get out the black sharpie and mark through all of those things.  Quit highlighting a glorified version of your past.  Instead, let God highlight the present and lead you into a bright, new future.

Job 14:17 "My offenses will be sealed up in a bag; you will cover over my sin."

What is intimacy?  Is it a physical connection based on mutual attraction and satisfaction? Before becoming a wife and Christian I believed that to be the case.  I had deduced through peers and our sex-saturated media that what Woody and I had experienced was intimacy. So why after three children and ten plus years of marriage did I feel as if I were living with a stranger?  Our physical relationship failed to satisfy my heart and soul.  I was empty, emotionally bankrupt.  That is when I began searching for God's definition of intimacy and discovered how flawed mine had been.

Intimacy has nothing to do with sex.  It is a spiritual bond that brings peace and satisfaction like nothing else in this world.  It is comfortable and safe.  Beautiful and bright.  However, building a friendship with faith as the foundation can be difficult when you have based that friendship on a physical bond.  How do you find your way to that place of spiritual and emotional familiarity?  It is not easy, but it is absolutely possible when you both endeavor to place God at the center of who you are as a couple.  

I can say with all honesty that Woody is the only man with whom I have been intimate.  He has prayed for and with me and seeks God's will for our family.  He quiets my fears and inspires my dreams.  He knows the woman God has created me to be and helps me daily as I strive to be that person.  That is intimacy.  That is what God designed marriage to be.

How are you doing in this area of your life?  What prevents you from knowing your spouse the way God intended?  What needs to change?

Malachi 2:15a "Has not the Lord made them one?  In flesh and spirit they are his."

Bound together in a covenant relationship with God, family, and intimate acquaintances as witnesses to the vow we made.  We pledged to love and respect each other, through good times and bad.  We made so many promises; but as the years flew by, children arrived, mortgages acquired, and careers advanced, we rarely--if ever--meditated upon those words spoken in a candle lit church with stained-glass windows.  Instead, we had new words spoken in anger, frustration, and fatigue upon which to contemplate.  Those were the words we turned over in our minds and brought out into the open whenever the opportunity presented itself.  Bitterness had replaced forgiveness as we slowly drifted apart.

How do you learn to forgive once a condemning spirit has taken over?  How do you open up your heart that has been broken by the one person who promised to always protect it?  Why is it necessary to give second, third, and fourth chances?  Because it is what we have received.  When I pledged my heart to my Savior, I vowed to love Him and to cease my hostile behavior towards Him and others.  However, I have broken that promise more than once, and every single time I have hurt my God whom I vowed to love wholly.  Fortunately, He has been there to forgive each and every moment of each and every day.   And He hasn't been keeping score, weighing the weight of my words, condescendingly telling me my apologies mean nothing.  Instead, God opens His arms wide and invites me to take comfort in them, which is the same thing He has done and will do for you.  So I ask you, why do we forgive?  Because we have been forgiven.

Today, instead of contemplating upon the hostile words and moments of frustration, think back to the words you spoke on your wedding day.  It is not easy to move past the pain, but it is more than possible with God's guidance to find the path which leads to healing.

Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

No one knows more than I do the storms that rock a marriage.  I have stood in the midst of the tempest, gasping for air knowing I would soon be overcome by the wind and the torrential downpour.  I have pleaded for relief.  My faith has faltered.  Yet, here I stand today loving my husband more than I did yesterday.  We share an intimate connection I never believed possible.  How did we overcome the deluge of doubt and dissent?  We took hold of the only life line that could have possibly saved us.  We were pulled from the deep waters and rescued from the storm.

God is our source of hope.  Intimacy begins and ends with Him.  He knows our hearts' desires more than we do.  He created us to be in perfect harmony with another human being.  Marriage was instituted in the Garden of Eden many, many years ago when man was without a suitable companion and God gave him woman.  A bond was formed with God as the glue, and it was perfect.  It wasn't until man fell out of communion with God that he started to pull away from his wife and blame her for his regretful choices.  Without God, there is no hope of intimacy.

Do you have intimacy with God?  Can you pray with your spouse?  Is God your glue?

2 Samuel 22:17 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters."

Our lives are intricately woven into a stiff, durable fabric covering the vulnerability which we all feel.  We hide behind half-truths and bravado.  We live life fearful that someone, somewhere might see who we really are.  We are so afraid of the person in the mirror before the makeup hides the imperfections and all those tell-tell signs of aging.  Yet we wonder why we struggle so with intimacy.

If we cannot be honest with ourselves, how can we be so with others?  Unfortunately, intimacy takes transparency.  Until we throw off the masks and the fabric which we hide beneath, we will not truly know anyone, nor will anyone truly know us.  In marriage--especially--we must be totally truthful.  You must be able to stand before your spouse completely naked, figuratively and literally, and feel no shame.  

What is preventing you from knowing true intimacy?

Genesis 8:25 "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."