Circumstantial or Certain?

I have a question I want everyone to ponder; your joy—is it circumstantial or certain?  I believe if we are quite honest, most would admit that it tends to be circumstantial.  The least amount of discomfort may send one reeling in despair.  We place too much emphasis on physical security, and when that security is threatened, we so often become disenchanted.  Our happiness is dependent on the temporal rather than the eternal. 

My circumstances turned dire 15 months ago when my whole world came crashing down around me and fell into a million pieces at my feet. There was no light. I wandered in the darkness full of agony. I could not see. Yet, even in unfathomable despair I could feel God’s presence as He held me and carried me through the depths of my grief. Even in the bottomless pit of anguish, there was joy—joy rooted in the unquestionable presence of my Savior. Sorrow saturated my days, but joy kept me alive.

Today I want you to ask yourself, “What do I truly believe about God? Is my faith built on the solid foundation of who God is or who I am?” Are you spending too much time focused on your present circumstances? Nothing in this life is assured, but God’s strength is certain. His love will never be dependent on your circumstances.

Irreplaceable

LCI will soon fill the vacated position Woody left behind.

The church will find another man or woman to assist in ushering church guests to their seats.

The Miscues will find another pool player to take Woody’s place in the neighborhood pool league.

Friends will find another confidante.

Society will find another citizen.

Every role Woody played can easily be recast except for one—the role he played in the lives of his family members. His parents cannot recast the role of their son. His brother cannot play the part with another man. I will never do another love scene with my leading man. The kids can never yell out, “Dad!” and know that their hero will arrive on site to save the day. Here, in our hearts and in our lives, he is irreplaceable.

Of all the vocations and roles Woody played, husband and father are the ones he performed best. Everything else came in behind family. He knew which job he needed to devote his time and attention to. His priorities were in line; and because he executed his duties so well, the role he played at home complimented every other role he played in his life. That is why we feel his loss so deeply, why the wounds are so severe, and why the grief is so grave.

Sometimes as I watch the world continue to spin and the lives of people around me continue unaltered, I want to scream. I am incensed that in all the parts Woody played he was expendable—replaceable. Yet, in the one occupation that mattered most in life, he will always be irreplaceable. We cannot advertise of his vacancy and take applications to fill the position. Where this tragedy was a speed bump in the lives of others, it was a head on, life-altering collision for us. We have lost something that will never be found again this side of heaven.

I see people around me who do not take the roles they play in their family as seriously as they should. I see families falling apart because husbands and wives do not give their best to the position they play in the family. Their characters are weak and are soon recast through adultery or vices. I want to scream, “Do you not know what you are throwing away? Why can’t you see?” They are blinded by greed and lust. They treat family as if it is expendable. We have truly become a “throw-away” society.

I am thankful for a man who understood the responsibilities God had given him. I am a better person because I was valued above a career, volunteering, friends, and society. I was loved completely and for that, I will continually praise God.  My prayer for you is that you will live life in such a way that when you are gone your family can say, “He/She is irreplaceable.” 

For a Moment

While searching for our American flag today, I had to stop myself from calling Woody to ask where it is. For a moment, I forgot. For a moment, I was a devoted wife whose husband was once again out of town on business. For a moment, life was normal. But my moment was very short lived as the floodgates opened and I remembered that my loving husband was tragically ripped from my life exactly two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I stood on a mountain trail, watching as EMT’s struggled to stabilize Woody so that he could be lifted on a board to where the life flight crew waited. Two weeks ago I stood pleading with God to spare Woody’s life and bring about a miracle. Two weeks ago, God said no.

I still do not understand why this is my story. Why is this my incident to record? Why have I been appointed author to a tragedy? I wanted to create a romantic comedy, with a few glitches here and there. This was not the story I wanted to write. This is not the story I should write. Yet, here I am penning my thoughts, recording my tears, relaying my fears. And still, I lack understanding.

I am leery of the future. I cannot imagine living life solo. My partner is gone. The one who annoyed me with his sarcasm while I was attempting to have a serious conversation will never again laugh at my frustration. The one who cheered me on through all of my creative endeavors even when he hated what I had created will never again cringe at one of my paintings. The one who held my hand every night while I drifted off to sleep will never again cup my hands in his. The one who calmed me and held me through the storms of life will never again assure me of peace. However, I am not without hope. Yes, my future looks lonely without Woody. Yet, I will never be alone.

I could not find the flag today. Still, what I did find in the moment after reality hit was a peace as God held me in His arms and comforted my soul. I found rest as God reminded me that He knows my pain and not once throughout this whole ordeal has He left my side. I may never understand why God said no up on that mountain peak—nor will I ever stop hating that “no.” Nevertheless, I will always know that I am deeply loved by a God who will continue to embrace me while I grieve through this storm.

The Way You Died

“BLUNT FORCE HEAD AND CHEST TRAUMA”

I read the words on the death certificate and tears sting my eyes; I catch my breath. My chest tightens up and the room starts to spin. “So, this is how they will say you died,” I whisper to an empty room.

I can still see how you died. I can still see the look in your caramel-brown eyes as you slid past me and over the edge of the granite cliff. I can still see the dark red blood pouring from the back of your head onto the stone side of the mountain and onto my shoes. I can still see your eyes swollen shut as you bled from your nose and your mouth. I know how you died. It continues to haunt me every night.

 Yet, I must remember how you lived. You lived with so much gusto. You crammed as much living as you possibly could into every moment. Sometimes it annoyed me. “Can’t you just sit still and read a book?” A ridiculous request, I know; but sometimes it was exhausting just watching you live. However, you were an excellent salesman. You sold me on life and love.  We laughed and cried through every quest, always searching for the next adventure. You taught me to be brave. You taught me how to live fully as if every day were my last. But most importantly, you taught me to love—to love God and to love you.

I will miss you as long as I live; yet, I live in hope that one day we will be reunited. God holds me tightly in His ever loving arms as He ever so gently carries me through this nightmare. The ache in my heart is unbearable. My whole being yearns for you. Still, I am thankful—thankful for the years we shared, thankful for the father and husband you were, and thankful for God’s guidance in our marriage.

Yes, you died violently and early. Yet you lived passionately and abundantly. That is what I will commit to memory. That is how I will remember you.

Excerpts from My Book

I am busily writing, but not about intimacy in marriage. This time, I am writing to teenage/single young women about how living a life of purity will set the foundation for intimacy in marriage. So, while all my creative juices are working towards that, I will be occasionally posting excerpts from my book Finding Intimacy in Marriage: A Spiritual, Emotional And Physical Journey published by Faith Books & More, copyright 2014. If you have not read my book, then I hope you enjoy these posts. If you have, then please be patient while I work on my next project. I promise I will have new material for the blog once I am finished.

If you are interested in purchasing my book, it can be found on amazon.com or Barnes&Noble.com.

"In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines.  Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is hard during the late days of summer and early days of fall.  However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time.  I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested.  We manage to do the same thing with sex.  There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed.  Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited.  We rob ourselves of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of that first embrace.  Physical intimacy before marriage deprives us of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, we have traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment and are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused.  That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage.  There are no gray areas.  This is not one of those “disputable” matters.  God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

Many times throughout the Bible, the relationship between the church (believers) and Christ is compared to a marriage.  Isaiah 62:5b says, “as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.”  In Matthew 25, Jesus told the parable of the ten virgins, comparing His return to the bridegroom. Again, in Mark 2, Jesus refers to Himself as the bridegroom, and one of the clearest descriptions of the church as the bride of Christ is given in Revelation 19.

Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:22-23, that the relationship between Christ and the church is a “profound mystery.”  However, through the covenant of marriage, we can begin to understand that union.  Marriage teaches us how to love unconditionally and how to sacrifice self for the sake of another.  It teaches us respect and commitment.  Through marriage we can begin to understand true intimacy, an internal knowledge, a oneness that can only be experienced within the union of marriage.  By understanding this bond, we can better appreciate the connection we have with Christ and how He sacrificed Himself to bring us into the beautiful relationship we have with our God.  Jesus Christ was the unblemished sacrifice—the only offering pure enough to die in our place and cover us with His righteousness.  The blood of the purest Lamb brought us into covenant relationship. He committed one hundred percent.  We were His only love.  He never courted any other.  He waited until the perfect time, and then He gave all He had to give.  That is to be our model of marriage.

Ask yourself this, what would Jesus’ sacrifice upon the cross mean had He been defiled in any way?  What if He had entered into the covenant relationship with a past full of lust-filled fantasies and sexual impurity?  I am not saying that Jesus wasn’t fully man.  He was, and as a man, He was a sexual being.  He appreciated a beautiful woman just as much as any man does.  However, He never desired a woman in an unhealthy, ungodly fashion.  He never lusted.  If He had given in to any temptation, including impure thoughts, it would have disqualified Him to be the Messiah, the Lamb of God, the perfect sacrifice suitable to die in our place and cover our sins.  Do you see how coming into a covenant relationship defiled can fracture a bond before it is even made?

Satan knows how damaging premarital sex and impurity in thought and action are, more so than we will ever know.  He knows that if marriages lose their value, our relationship with God loses its value.  He knows that if he can attack the first union established by God, all others will fall apart too, including the most important one we have—that with God.  We no longer value purity, holiness, what it means to be consecrated for God’s use; in fact, we really do not even know what these words mean anymore.  They have been redefined and secularized.  Even the word “marriage” has been reinterpreted by our society so many times that we are no longer clear as to what it stands for.  And the attack continues to this day.  Sexual impurity is Satan’s ace in the hole.  He understands what this means; he gets the significance.  Why can’t we?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage.  The beauty of what God has in store is stolen.  God created sex and the way He planned it is far better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine.  It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in every soap opera with the perfectly chiseled male and exquisitely beautiful, well-proportioned blonde.  It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine.  It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt.  There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension.  That is how God designed it.  Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?  And we wonder why our marriages lack intimacy and are falling apart at record rates?  We have bought into a terrible lie.  The world’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned physical intimacy into a form of self-indulgent, pleasure seeking entertainment.  The value of love-making has been lost.

The reason our marriages lack physical intimacy is because sex shouldn’t be an act of self-gratification and intense passion the way it is portrayed on television and on the big screen.  It should be a moment of considerate, tender love-making.  There should only be two people involved and not a host of memories clouding the moment and stealing the heart.  When you have had physical encounters with people other than your spouse, it can be difficult to keep your mind in the moment and not fantasize about what it was like when you were single and sex was thrilling.  Love-making may not be “thrilling;” it may be quite comfortable.  There should be a familiarity and ease about it.  It has a different sort of “excitement”; an excitement that is healthy and causes our affections to grow stronger and more sensitive to the needs of our spouse.  That is how God designed it.  And there is something delightful about the lack of intensity."

Patient Love

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails." 1 Cor. 13:4-8a (NIV)

As a wife and mother, I need a daily reminder of what love should look like in our home.  As I read over 1 Corinthians 13, I realize that we are nowhere near hitting the mark on this one.  While I snap at Woody as he disrupts my daily routine with a simple request (hmmm...there goes the "not easily angered" part), I am made painfully aware of the fact that we are struggling to really love each other.  We keep score, we're impatient, our impatience leads to rudeness, and most of the time (truth be told) we're self-seeking.

So how in the world do we learn to love?  Can we love as defined in these few verses?

I must start by looking inward at how I love.  Is the love God loves me with being transferred to the world around me and, most importantly, to my family?  Honestly?  Not so much.  I struggle with the patient part of loving.  And if I dig down deep, I can see that my impatience is rooted in a self-seeking attitude.  I have my ideal life all planned out, and for some reason everyone around me isn't falling into place and taking his or her part seriously.  "What's wrong with you?" I often ponder.  "Didn't you get the script?  This is NOT how I planned it!"

Yes, I'm very self-seeking.  Therefore, I am not really loving as I should be.  If I want love to reign within my home, I must let it reign within my heart first.  One can't teach something he doesn't know how to do himself.

Loving is hard!  It means living for someone or something else.  Who am I living for?  If the answer is "me", what's the point?  What's to be gained in a life lived to benefit one?

I quickly find myself on my knees pleading for help, realizing I can't love honestly and unselfishly without divine help.  Once love is made perfect within me, perhaps then it will be made perfect within my marriage and within my family.

(Just a reminder, if you find that my writings have helped you in anyway, you may want to purchase my book, Finding Intimacy in Marriage: A Spiritual, Emotional and Physical Journey, available on Amazon.com)

Loving Sacrificially

I know it—intellectually; but emotionally?

The heart is slow to follow the head.

Love requires sacrifice…there is no “easy” button. But, we all search for the path of least resistance. We desire committed, soul-satisfying love. We want to be satiated—filled to the brim. However, while searching for this elusive emotion we never stop to question, “What will this require of me? What will I need to give in order to receive?”

Loving fallen man cannot be easy.  Yet Jesus left His home on high, humbled Himself by taking on human flesh, and then died a horrendous death—all in the name of love.

Sacrifice.

Giving when there may be nothing given in return.

When we put aside self, we learn to walk in love. Our hearts must give in order to receive. There is something about the offering that prepares the heart for accepting. Until we learn to give ourselves away—to sacrifice—we cannot understand what it truly means to be loved.

We must empty ourselves in order to be filled. Sacrifice drains the vessel of the heart in order to make room for the soul-satisfying love we all seek.

I know this. Yet, living out this principle daily requires discipline and patience. However, knowing that I am loved sacrificially by the creator of the world inspires me to dedicate my life to learning this principle emotionally as well as I do intellectually.

Waiting...

Waiting.  It seems that the majority of my life has been spent in limbo—waiting to reach adolescence, waiting to legally drive, waiting to vote, and waiting to be loved.  And with each milestone I have reached, I have found another just a little bit further down the road that needed to be attained.  Mountains have been scaled with many a tear shed.  I have shoved past adversity and stared down challenges with much bravado; but beneath it all I have been lonely and frightened, afraid of the shadows that fall at my feet.

When have I waited in hope?  To be quite honest, never; but now I must wait and watch.  Do I know, I mean really know, who or what I am waiting for?  Can I trust the unseen?  Can I trust God?  Questions obstruct my view until I feel as if I am wandering through the darkness with my hands secured tightly behind my back.  There is no way to maneuver through the gloom my mind has created.  Not without God, not without hope.  So, here I wait.

I remember waiting for my dad to die.  Was I hopeful?  Yes and no.  I was torn into a million tiny pieces, scattered throughout a hospital room and down the halls.  I prayed for my dad to die, to be released from the shattered shell of a man he had been and the pain that wracked his body.  Though his death was my prayer, I did not wait in hope but in despair.  Yet, God was there.  I know He heard me.  My expectations were met.  You see, hope is the feeling that what is wanted will happen, a feeling of expectancy.  Many times we desire things to be, but there is no joy in the end result.  Hope is not optimism.  Optimism expects the best outcome or a cheerful result.  Hope fulfilled does not always bring delight.  Hoping my dad would die quickly brought great sorrow, even if it was the desired or best outcome.

And now I wait for my God.  I wait for Him daily to fulfill His purpose in my life.  I wait for Him to speak to my children and for His call on their lives.  The question that comes to my mind is do I wait in anticipation?  Do I believe that what I yearn for will happen?  Do I truly have hope?

“But as for me, I watch I hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.”  Micah 7:7 NIV

Fragile Strength

I love trail running, especially in the first hours of daylight when the rays of the sun cast long shadows on the earth and dappled sunlight dances on the trail. The morning is peaceful as the birds wake the woods with their bright, cheery songs.  “Time to wake up!” they seem to say.  I love the sound of my feet hitting the trail, crunching through dead leaves.  And then… I’m covered in a sinewy web that some poor, unsuspecting spider built from one side of the path to the other in an attempt to catch its morning meal; instead, it caught me, and as I wipe away the silky threads covering my face and arms, I am praying that I don’t have a small hitchhiker to finish up my morning run.

I am now more aware of my surroundings.  I would really like to steer clear of future spider webs.  I notice the sun glistening on several just off the path.  They look like threads of silver strung with tiny diamonds.  And in the middle of each web, a small, orange spider sits waiting for its prey.  As I finish my run, I am amazed at how many webs I see scattered through the woods.  They are countless. 

I can’t help but contemplate the work of these orb spiders and each fragile trap that has been meticulously built in order to survive.  Web building spiders have to rely on these silky, sticky threads for life.  Without a web, the spider cannot eat.  They cannot see well, but they feel the slightest vibration and can interpret it through the movement of the radii.  The web that I destroyed within seconds had been built during the night, when most web building occurs.  Most spiders must rebuild their webs nightly, and as they do, they may eat the remnant of the old web, recycling the silk.  If nothing else, spiders are diligent.  Everyday their webs are destroyed by animals or wind (or errant runners), and yet every night they rebuild.  They have to.  Without such diligence, they would die.

A spider web is designed in such a way that when one strand is broken, the web is actually strengthened. The web is constructed so that the spider will only need to do minor repairs. Winds will blow and small branches will break. The spider has a built in defense mechanism of sorts in order to cope with such issues. They are equipped to handle minor snags.

Marriage is very much like a spider’s web.  It is beautiful and fragile; it requires diligence and sacrifice. Strength has to be built into the very fiber of a union because trials will come; and when they do, strands will be broken. However, if the marriage has been correctly constructed, those troubles will strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.  Our words and actions must be guarded. Within moments, errant words spoken in anger can destroy the magnificent threads that have been intricately spun together. The very thing created to sustain life becomes a tangle of tacky threads clinging to branches while the wind whisks away the remnants of the life you have knit together.

Every day work, family, and finances run through the paths of your life, fighting for attention—attempting to destroy what you have built. And every night, the work of rebuilding what has been lost must be done.  Without the web that has joined you together, the marriage will starve and eventually die due to malnourishment. You must diligently build together what the world destroys daily.

We can learn a great deal from nature and the fragile strength of the spider’s web. Take time to rebuild what is destroyed daily. Be diligent. The life of your marriage depends on the web you weave.

El Simchat Gili

El Simchat Gili—God of my exceeding joy

Yet I am feeling broken, beat down, and barely happy.

I am exhausted!

I do not remember what it is to feel exceedingly joyful,

Although I am thankful.

You are a generous, merciful God;

And I have been the recipient of Your grace one too many times

To take Your kindness for granted.

But joyful?

Not today.

Not yesterday.

Not even the day before that. So I set You before me

And hope for tomorrow.

Perhaps then.

Or maybe it will remain obscure to me

Until our family is once again living in the same city.

Possibly, I just need one good night of sleep.

I do not know what will bring exceeding joy back into my grasp,

But I do know that You are the source of my hope

And my happiness.
You are always near

No matter how distant joy may seem at this moment.
I will delight in You
And continue searching.

El Simchat Gili—God of my exceeding joy

A Sun and Shield

The Christmas decorations are stored safely away, with a little extra padding this year in anticipation of our upcoming move. My mother and father-in-law, who have been with us since before Christmas, have the car packed up with their sweet dog, Darby, and will be heading back to the Midwest within the hour. And that is when the grueling work begins as I begin organizing closets and cleaning baseboards in preparation of listing our house by February 1.

Although my life feels completely chaotic, I keep sitting in one verse that comforts me with its promises: "The LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." Psalm 84:11. Every time I meditate upon that verse, I am reminded of what we receive from the sun--light in the darkness, warmth in the cold, energy and sustenance. Without the sun, life on earth would cease to exist. Doctors and nutritionists recommend that a person spend at least 15 minutes a day in the sun for vitamin D production. That is what our God provides, light, warmth, energy, sustenance, life! And all I have to do is spend a little time with him daily and absorb His radiant heat. He is my shield. He will protect me! And He will not withhold His goodness from me. Resting in this verse has provided more comfort than I can explain. Although it feels as if I am drowning in a sea of unknowns, I am being held tightly in loving arms that will never let me go.

I know that in the coming months my faith will falter, my resolve will fail; however, my God will never disappoint. He will hold me continually, even when panic sets in and I begin to flail. My sun will light the way, warm my heart, and provide the power needed to survive and thrive through another day.

Self-Destructing, Part 1

During the 1990s and into the start of the second millennium, Mel Gibson was a household name and a guaranteed box office draw. Even though he had had a history of alcoholism, Gibson seemed to have overcome his addiction through his faith in Christ. In 2004, his biggest film to date was released, “The Passion of Christ.” This film was co-written, co-produced, and directed by Gibson and was the highest grossing R-rated film in the U.S., earning over $370 million. Gibson stated in more than one interview that the reason he brought the execution of Christ to theaters was because during his recovery from alcoholism and depression, he had focused on the passion of Christ to find healing and hope. We collectively held our breaths to see what great thing this man (who seemed to love God) might do next.

And then the shoe dropped. In 2006, Gibson was arrested on DUI charges and spewed expletives and anti-Semitic remarks at the arresting officer. In 2009, photos were released of Gibson and a well-known female pianist who was not his wife caressing on a beach. This was shortly followed by his wife filing for a divorce and winning an estimated $425 million in a very expensive settlement. Things seemed to go from bad to worse, as his girlfriend gave birth to a child and charged him with domestic assault and filed a restraining order against Gibson. He has been disgraced in the media and rejected by Hollywood; and I, for one, am wondering, “What happened?” How does someone who seemed to be on fire for God, who was a significant player in creating such an incredibly moving movie such as “The Passion of Christ” completely self-destruct?

Asa became king of Judah upon the death of his father in 910 B.C. The first decade of his reign was spent in social reform and military expansion. He fortified the cities of Judah and experienced a time of peace. He had an army of 300,000 from Judah equipped with shields and spears; and 280,000 archers from Benjamin also stood ready for action. However, this army of brave men was small in comparison to the Ethiopian army which attacked Judah ten years after Asa took the throne. Zerah the Ethiopian led a military force consisting of a million men and three hundred chariots. It was undeniably superior to Judah’s. Yet, Asa was an honorable man who did right in the eyes of the Lord. He called out to the Lord his God, realizing that such a multitude of armed men was nothing for God. God struck the Ethiopians and gave Judah the victory. It was truly a “David and Goliath” moment. Asa was blessed by God’s spirit upon him and in the fifteenth year of his reign, rededicated the kingdom to God. He required all the people to take an oath to seek God with all their heart and soul. Twenty more years of peace followed. Asa’s kingdom flourished and so did he, and all the people collectively held their breaths to see what great thing this man who truly loved God might do next.

And then peace was threatened once again by Israel—a small army compared to the Ethiopians; however, there was the king of Israel on the threshold of Judah aggressively taking action against their nation. Asa misappropriated funds from the temple and from his own treasury and sent them on to Syria in an attempt to bribe the Syrian king to align with Judah rather than Israel. He wanted to strike a treaty with a nation which was clearly an enemy. It worked. Israel backed off. Yet, Syria escaped and would grow to be a thorn in Judah’s side in the future. God sent Hanani the seer to Asa to let him know the grave mistake he had made; but instead of humbling himself and confessing his sin, Asa’s heart had grown hard. He had Hanani placed in prison and oppressed those who dared to agree with God. Sometime later Asa became diseased in his feet, but rather than turning to God, he once again turned to man. He died shortly thereafter stubborn and far from reaching his full potential. Yet again I find myself wondering, “What happened?”  How does a life so full of promise fall short of God’s purpose? How do individuals so zealous for God and His work end up walking away with hardened hearts?

It happens time and time again—Gibson and Asa are only two instances of lives gone wrong. King Solomon has to be the most puzzling example. He was the wisest man to ever live, and because Solomon had requested wisdom from God rather than riches, God made him incredibly wealthy too. Under Solomon’s rule, Israel reached the peak of her power and expanded from the Euphrates river in the north to Egypt in the south—the largest it had ever been.  Solomon was a writer, architect, and advisor.  He composed 3,000 proverbs. He built the Holy Temple. He advised the Queen of Sheba. The splendor of his palace was incomparable. His throne was inlaid with ivory and overlaid with gold. There were six steps leading up to the throne seat and a lion stood on each side of the six steps. Lions also flanked both armrests. Nothing like it had ever been created. Unfortunately, Solomon had many (and many is really an understatement) foreign wives who led him astray. He began to follow their pagan gods going as far as building a high place of worship for the Moab and Ammonite gods. Adversaries were raised up against Israel. Solomon was warned that his kingdom would be taken from his son. Only for David’s sake would Rehoboam, Solomon’s son, be allowed to continue ruling one of the twelve tribes of Israel. A man, who had literally had the world at his fingertips, lost it all and died far from God. Again, why? How could someone so blessed with God’s favor, who knew God so intimately, be led away by the temporal pleasures of this world? However, the question that should  be asked is, if someone who communicated with God so personally and who probably had a better understanding of who God really is can be led awry, what will keep me from going off course? How can I finish strong and prevent my life from self-destructing?

A Virtuous Wife?

I must have emerged from the womb throwing punches with a grudge the size of Texas on my shoulders. I am stubborn, selfish, controlling, confrontational, and do not like to admit when I am wrong. I like it even less when Woody tells me I’m wrong. I am definitely not what God had in mind when detailing the “Virtuous Wife” in Proverbs 31. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was the antithesis. I cannot even begin to explain the frustration that used to well up in me when confronted with this passage.  Had I been appointed editor, I am quite confident that Proverbs 31:10-31 would have been omitted from the Bible. Yet, God knew better.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to be a virtuous wife. I desire to be a woman whom my husband can trust to bring him good, and who will open her mouth with wisdom. Unfortunately, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak, words fly out like little arrows searching for their next victim, wounding the heart and leaving scars. And sometimes it’s just easier to bring evil rather than good.

Why do I struggle so much in this area? Is it because I have never seen unselfish love in the flesh modeled? Is it because I do not trust Woody to always do me good? I have been hurt by him repeatedly, and truth be told, I do not trust him. So, am I justified in my egoism? No.

God loves me unselfishly. He is my example. God is my protection. He is whom I trust. Psalm 84:11 states, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” As long as I am following God, He will protect me. He will not allow harm to come my way. You see, it is not a matter of trusting Woody to be perfect and never say or do anything to cause me pain; it is a matter of trusting God to protect me from Woody’s mistakes.

I am definitely a work in progress. Yet, God is slowly transforming me. I am learning to submit to His will. I am surrendering control. I am biting my tongue. I am yielding to a God who knows me intimately and realizes just how hard it is for me to let go of the grudge I have held for most of my life.  He gives grace and glory.  And as I am changed, my marriage is blessed. Intimacy is restored. The foundation is repaired. Soon, I know, that woman in Proverbs 31 will not be such an unobtainable goal. You see, God has started the makeover. He will transform me into the “Virtuous Wife.” I may have entered the world fighting, but I will go out of it quietly.

Stretched But Not Distorted

The holiday season is upon us, and I for one feel as if I am drowning in a sea of presents which still need to be purchased and cookies which still need to be baked. The house is in disarray and there is a list of tasks which need to be completed so that we can put our house on the market in preparation of moving to another state. We will have house guests for two weeks over Christmas, and the guest room is full of wrapped and unwrapped presents, ribbons, and bows. Throw in one absentee husband and three teenagers and “Presto!”—the perfect recipe for a migraine. Novartis, I will be investing in your company this year. If nothing else, I am doing my fair share to keep your company afloat as I procure as many bottles of Excedrin Migraine as I can safely consume. 

I feel as if I am a rubber band which has reached its elastic limit. Hooke’s law states that when an object is acted upon by a force, it will bend, stretch, or compress.  Once the force is removed, the object will return to its original shape. Elastic will stretch until it has reached its limit. Beyond that, it will be deformed and never return to its original shape. Yes. That is exactly how I feel right now. Stretched and on the brink of being buckled into an unrecognizable version of myself. Yet somehow, another day passes and my sanity is intact. My children are alive. My husband still loves me. How? God.

Without my faith I would flounder. It is my foundation and my strength. It is my sanity and my substance. Instead of panic, I know peace. Also, there is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when a rubber band is stretched—the molecules (polymers) in the rubber become aligned. They themselves are under no stress whatsoever. When the rubber band is at rest, the molecules are tangled with no real order. I am being stretched, but at the same time, my life is becoming aligned with God’s will as I learn to rely on Him during these uncertain, chaotic times.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, as long as you remember that being stretched can bring order and develop strength. And God will never allow you to be stretched beyond your elastic limit.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Get Up!

“Get up!” Saul was on the road to Damascus when he met Jesus. Lying face down on the ground, Jesus commanded him to get up and go. Saul did as he was instructed and his life was transformed. When we rise from our circumstances, God can move in our lives. However, we have to get up first.

“Get up!” I hear that imperative once more and I cringe. I don’t want to get up, and I certainly don’t want to move. I finally feel as if our family has established some roots, and now we have to rip them up and endure another transplant. I want to dig down deeper, stuff dirt in my ears, and pretend that command was meant for someone else.

“Get up!” I drag my feet. I’m tired. I whimper a little more. My two-year old, temper-tantrum throwing alter ego is revealing her disagreeable self. And yet, God demonstrates infinite patience. He waits while I whine. He comforts through my complaints.

“Get up!”  We grow comfortable, fall asleep, become paralyzed by our fears, and immobilized by our sins. We need to stand up and get going. So, like it or not, I will get up and go. I will let God move my family and wait while He once again moves in my life.

The Autumn of Our Lives

As I watched the last leaves of autumn lose their grip and fall, I couldn’t help but realize how we are so much like those dying leaves.  We’ve moved through the spring of our lives, have languished the long days of summer, and as we have moved into autumn, we have given one last brilliant display of beauty trying so hard to outshine the glories we have known.  But now the longer nights and cooler air have affected our beauty, and we find ourselves turning brown and crisp along the edges.  We try so desperately to hold on to the tree of our youth, gripping the branches with weakening strength.  We are so afraid to fall.  The ground below appears barren and hard—so unwelcoming to our increasingly fragile state.  We can’t fall to the earth among the scattered lives of those who have gone before us.  We are terrified of aging in a society that worships youth and beauty.

Yet, as I observed one leaf being pulled and tugged by the winds of change and quietly lose its hold, the resulting fall was more peaceful than anything I had ever experienced.  I watched the journey as it glided on a gentle current so very elegantly until it was gently placed on the leaf littered ground.    It didn’t toss or turn, spinning violently on the axis of its main vein but glided softly.  I found myself wanting to be that leaf and take that journey.

The autumn and winter of our lives should be the most enriching periods of our lives.  When others watch our journey, they shouldn’t see the struggle but the beauty of the fall.  As those leaves decompose during the bitter cold of winter, they enrich the soil providing much needed nutrients that will cultivate the new blossoms of spring.  New trees will grow in that rich soil and new life will bless the earth.  Our lives should be lived in such a way that when we reach the winter of our lives, we will know we have nurtured those around us in such a way that more glorious things will grow from the compost of our lives. 

Don’t be afraid to let go when the autumn of life comes because during the winter you will find that your life can be more valuable than it ever was in the spring.

Why Is Purity Important for My Future?

Almost every teenage girl has dreamed of the day that she will meet the man of her dreams. Soon afterwards, he will realize that she is the only woman he could ever love, and as he descends to one knee, he will reach into his side coat pocket and expose a black velvet ring box. “Will you marry me?” The answer is always “Yes!” and they live happily ever after.  Or do they?

Growing up on fairy tales and Barbie movies, every little girl has believed in the “happily ever after” scenario at some point in her life. However, reality is no fairy tale and the castles usually crumble shortly after the “I do’s” are whispered and the first dispute arises revealing that you are not married to Prince Charming. Instead you feel as if you kissed your prince and he turned into a toad.  Then children arrive on the scene and the fantasy falls apart. So much for happily ever after.

Marriage is difficult. It requires work and dedication. It is not for the weak. We need to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage with as little baggage as possible. Starting off with a past full of sexual sin and emotional attachments can doom a marriage before the vows are even spoken. You will not have a problem-free marriage; however, you can make decisions now that will improve and strengthen the intimacy you will have with your future husband. Marriage is difficult, but you can make it easier. Choosing a life guided by the principles of purity will increase the odds of your marriage not only surviving but also thriving.

In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines. Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is difficult during the late days of summer and early days of fall. However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time. I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested. We manage to do the same thing with sex. There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed. Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited. Do you want to rob yourself of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of the first embrace? Physical intimacy before marriage deprives you of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, our society has traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment, and we are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused. That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage. There are no gray areas. This is not one of those “disputable” matters. God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

What is God’s plan for physical intimacy?

When God created Adam, he created in Adam’s being a need for human companionship. Read Genesis 2:15-24. In verse 20, what did Adam realize?

Although surrounded by creatures of every kind, Adam was lonely. He had no one of equal status to share his newfound discoveries. God knew this would happen. He had placed within Adam a longing for companionship—the foundation of all relationships. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed a stunning woman from the same materials He had used to make Adam. Adam took one look at Eve and said, “Ah, flesh of my flesh! She will be called woman.” And as they consummated their relationship, they became one. They were married—no ceremony, no license; just God’s blessing. The physical act is what established the union of marriage. What does the Bible say in Genesis 2:24?

I think you know what “one flesh” means. Did you realize that in God’s eyes, sex equals marriage? Let’s take a look at another biblical couple. If you fast forward through the book of Genesis to chapter twenty-four, you will read the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was Abraham’s son, the fulfillment of God’s promise. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant returned to Canaan with Rebekah, Isaac was out in the field meditating. At the same time Isaac saw the servant approaching with the lovely Rebekah, Rebekah noticed him and made inquiries. When she discovered it was her husband to be, she covered herself with her veil (a sign of her virginity). Isaac made his way to the small group and was informed of all that had occurred. This maiden was to be his wife. What happened then? Did they have a time of courtship while planning a lavish wedding? No, because in that time period a ceremony did not constitute marriage. Genesis 24:67 tells us “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife.” That was it! When a man had sexual relations with a woman, he entered into a binding, covenant relationship that could not be undone. This is the union that makes us one. Sex is marriage.

Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.  Did men have the option of having casual sex with unmarried women?

Now read 2 Samuel 13:1-20.  This is the story of Tamar, a beautiful daughter of King David. Her half-brother, Amnon lusted after her to the point he thought it was love. What does Tamar say to Amnon in verse 16 after he has violated her?

Tamar knew that she would no longer be eligible for marriage. Her virginity had been defiled. She was a ruined woman. How does this compare to today’s view of a woman who has had sex before marriage?

How did we get to a point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex? If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.” Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

God’s plan for any type of physical intimacy includes guard rails to keep your life on the right path. The covenant relationship of marriage provides the protection you need. You have been entrusted with a treasure that once given away cannot easily be recovered. Your purity is priceless.

How will choosing purity impact my future?

If marriage is part of your future plans, then how you live right now determines how much intimacy you will have with your future husband. You are building the foundation right now. When you finally meet the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with, you will promise to love, cherish and honor one another until death do you part. This is a covenant relationship. Look up the word “covenant” in the dictionary.  Write the definition.

A covenant is a binding agreement.  It literally means “a coming together.” Think of it as super glue. If you glue paper together and let the adhesive dry, you have created one thick piece of paper. You cannot make it two again without causing damage to the individual pieces. The paper is ruined if you try to tear it apart. That word picture should help you to better understand what God had in mind when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

Can you join together with someone emotionally or physically and break away from that intimate relationship without being damaged? Explain your answer.

When two pieces of paper have been joined together, it is impossible to tear them apart without leaving small remnants of each piece behind on the other piece. When you make emotional and physical attachments, you cannot break off a relationship without leaving a part of you behind. How much of “you” do you want to offer to your husband? How much of your husband do you want him to offer you? Think about that question for a moment and then answer it honestly.

Those leftover pieces have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times.  They have a nasty habit of developing into full grown road blocks that obstruct the path which leads to intimacy in marriage.  Only you have the power to choose a lifestyle right now which will keep your course clear.

I realize that the society in which you live bombards you daily with hyper-sexualized images. The world’s standards are nonexistent when it comes to purity. “You only live once!” You have been taught to expect instant gratification. Why wait when you can have it all now? The “live in the moment” mindset dominates the decision making process of generations y and z.  However, you must realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your choices have consequences; and just because you cannot easily visualize the effects of the choices you make today, do not think for a moment that you have escaped them. Whether you pay now or later, you will pay.

What do you think some of the costs are of not choosing purity as a lifestyle?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage. The beauty of what God has in store is stolen. God created sex and the way He planned it is better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine. It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in the movies being released in record number that are aimed at teenage viewers. It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine. It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt. There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension. That is how God designed it. Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?

Do no buy into the terrible lies the world will feed you. Society’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned something that should be treasured and preserved into a form of self-indulgent entertainment. You will suffer great loss by believing the propaganda that is being hurled at you through music, movies, and social media. The relationship you long to have with the man to whom you will pledge your life is dependent upon the choices you make now. Choose wisely knowing that the foundation of your future is being laid right now.

Why Is Purity Important for My Present?

According to the Social Security Administration, the average life expectancy in 2014 for a 16 year old girl is 86.4 years (http://www.socialsecurity.gov/cgi-bin/longevity.cgi), which means you have lived only about one-sixth of your life. Adults are always instructing you how you should live your life with the future in mind, yet you have barely lived long enough to have a reference point for the present, let alone the future.  How can you be expected to plan for the rest of your life when you have so little life experience upon which you may draw? To top things off, teenagers today are dealing with far more than they did twenty to thirty years ago. Homework, stretching late into the evenings; athletics, requiring hours and hours of practice and games; music lessons, which require rehearsals; SAT prep classes; volunteering at church; and special interest clubs all compete for your time and attention.  No wonder you can’t envision the future! Your present is so full it has completely blinded you to what might happen a month from now, let alone ten years from now.  And all of this is accompanied by stress.  According to one report, the proportion of 15 to 16 year olds who report often feeling anxious or depressed has doubled in the last thirty years,     (http://www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/increased-levels-anxiety-and-depression-teenage-experience-changes-over-time). 

I get it. Much of what you are experiencing is due to your vantage point and the physiological changes which are occurring within your body. As you mature, your brain is being bombarded with hormones. These hormones can cause mood swings, sensitivity, anger, depression, and self-hatred.  There is a lot going on. Is it any wonder our young people are looking for instant gratification? Life is so complex, so demanding, that the temptation to escape the current environment and to feel the thrill of the moment is too overwhelming to resist. And yet when speaking to young people, the older generation still uses the same old arguments that they have been making for thirty plus years:  “Think of the future; someday you will be glad you made the choice to…. How will this impact your life? What are your long-term goals?”

I could sit here all day and tell you how keeping yourself pure is important for your future, but like I said, if you cannot imagine a future with you in it, I have not given you anything that is applicable to your life today; and therefore, my words are meaningless. So, why is purity important for your present? How will living a lifestyle of purity benefit you right now?

 Self-esteem

Making good choices—choosing purity—actually helps you feel better about yourself.   Foolish choices can doom you and produce self-hate.

Think about a time when you caved to peer pressure and did something in order to “fit in.” How did you feel afterwards? What happened to your sense of value?

Now, think about a time when you chose to do the right thing. How did you feel about yourself? Did you feel better about who you are?

Any girl who has lost her purity can testify to the fact that the first time she did something to compromise it, there was tremendous guilt and self-loathing. It may feel thrilling and exciting in the moment, but as soon as you are left alone to process what you have done, the shame sets in. It may be easy for a young lady to harden herself and pretend that her experience was amazing and beneficial, but deep down, she knows. Her confidence starts to wane. She starts to look to others to find her self-worth, only to discover that man will fail a person a thousand times over. She may appear to be on top of the world; but behind her smile there is a heart breaking into a million pieces—a life spiraling downward with no bottom in sight.

God’s Word indicates that He takes sex seriously. Peruse the books of Exodus and Deuteronomy and you will find laws concerning whom you may have sex with and when. This is not to be taken lightly. God knew we would pervert this wonderful gift that He had given to man during creation in the Garden of Eden. He also knew that by abusing His gift, we would not only corrupt our relationships with others, but we would also damage our relationship with God.

How can impurity damage your relationship with God?

Read Psalm 32:3-5. This Psalm was written by King David. We are not sure what the incident was that motivated him to write this psalm, but obviously, he was feeling tremendous guilt about some sin in his life. How did David feel before he acknowledged his sin to God?

Now page to the right a few pages and read Psalm 66:18?  What does this verse indicate about how sin affects our prayers?

Sin wracks us with guilt and stands in the way of our prayers. It harms our relationship with God. When our fellowship with God is impaired, our self-esteem plunges. Loving God is how we learn to love ourselves. Being in communion with Him is life-changing. God cannot be in the presence of sin. Habakkuk 1:13a states, “Your [God’s] eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong.” Choosing purity in a way is choosing God. And by choosing God, self-worth will follow.

Self-control

If you have been in church long enough, you have at some point in your life heard someone speak about the “fruit of the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the “fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Why is self-control so important in a person’s life and how can it benefit you right now? We have all heard the saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” But from where does this idea of waiting come and for what good things am I waiting?

Let’s look at a few Bible verses that deal with delayed gratification.  Read the following verses and for each, write down what you learn about waiting:

Lamentations 3:25: 

Psalm 27:14: 

Psalm 37:7: 

Micah 7:7: 

Isaiah 30:18: 

Isaiah 40:31: 

James 5:7: 

As a Christian, your whole life is lived waiting for death or Jesus’ advent so that you might live in heaven. We are waiting on God, waiting on blessings, waiting on heaven, waiting to be reunited with those whom we have lost, and waiting to be transformed into our heavenly bodies which will know no sorrow, sickness, or pain. If you cannot learn to be patient—to be self-controlled—then this life is going to be pretty miserable for you.

Song of Songs 2:7 instructs young ladies, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Even love is a waiting game, and perhaps the most important one you will play. By waiting to engage in physical intimacy right now you are learning self-control. You are learning to wait upon your Savior in a world where “waiting” has been turned into a four-letter word. Postponing passion gives you an edge. The discipline you will develop through waiting will give you an advantage in everything you do.

To Be Set apart

You are special. When you accepted Christ as your personal Savior, you became part of an amazing family with characteristics that are very similar to other members of God’s family. Christians should look like they are related—in their behavior, their speech, their entertainment choices, and their love. You should not look like the rest of the world because you do not belong to that family. You are royalty, and as such, certain expectations should be met, as in any royal family. You would never see the queen of England getting drunk and dancing on a table or appearing in public without being decently attired. Royalty shouldn’t behave as a commoner might. That is why it was such a scandalous affair when Prince Harry was photographed drunk and nude at a private party. Monarchs should never engage in such crude behavior. Guess what? As a member of God’s family, there are expectations of behavior for you, too.

Before you were adopted into God’s family, the highest price was paid for your membership. Read 1 Corinthians 6:18-20.  How does choosing purity—behaving differently from the rest of the world—honor God and demonstrate your love for Him?

Read Romans 12:2. What does it mean to you to not conform to the pattern of this world? How do we keep from behaving like the world?

We are to be different! We shouldn’t act like the world around us. Daily, we have to set it in our hearts to stand firm and be different. We are to be in the world—not of the world.

Now read Titus 2:11-14. What teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions? When are we to live godly lives?

God’s grace teaches us. His Spirit is inside every believer, teaching and guiding. Now is the time in which we are to live self-controlled and upright lives while we wait for Jesus to return for those He calls His very own.

Read 1 John 2:15-17. If you love the world, is the love of God in you? (please, understand that when these verses speak about loving the world, they are not referring to people in the world or the created world, but the world—or realm—of sin; we are not to love sin and the things associated with it) What will happen to this world?

As we have already discovered, God cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, if you want Jesus to be with you today, walking every step of the path with you, you must put away sinful desires.

This is not what the world teaches. The world’s philosophy is, if it feels right to you, then it must be good. Purity is not embraced by the world and taking a stand for it will feel very lonely and downright uncomfortable at times. However, 1 John 3:13 tells us, “Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you.” Like I said though, you shouldn’t look like the world. The world does not own you. You have been adopted into a royal family full of love and grace. You need to play the part. You are not a commoner, so do not let the world pull you down and sully your regal robes.  Stand firm with your head held high and know that because you are so very loved, you have been set apart.