I must have emerged from the womb
throwing punches with a grudge the size of Texas on my shoulders. I am
stubborn, selfish, controlling, confrontational, and do not like to admit when
I am wrong. I like it even less when Woody tells me I’m wrong. I am definitely
not what God had in mind when detailing the “Virtuous Wife” in Proverbs 31. In
fact, I’m pretty sure I was the antithesis. I cannot even begin to explain the
frustration that used to well up in me when confronted with this passage. Had I been appointed editor, I am quite
confident that Proverbs 31:10-31 would have been omitted from the Bible. Yet,
God knew better.
Don’t get me wrong. I do want to be a virtuous wife. I desire to
be a woman whom my husband can trust to bring him good, and who will open her
mouth with wisdom. Unfortunately, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak,
words fly out like little arrows searching for their next victim, wounding the
heart and leaving scars. And sometimes it’s just easier to bring evil rather
than good.
Why do I struggle so much in this
area? Is it because I have never seen unselfish love in the flesh modeled? Is
it because I do not trust Woody to always do me good? I have been hurt by him
repeatedly, and truth be told, I do not trust him. So, am I justified in my
egoism? No.
God loves me unselfishly. He is
my example. God is my protection. He is whom I trust. Psalm 84:11 states, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the
LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who
walk uprightly.” As long as I am following God, He will protect me. He will
not allow harm to come my way. You see, it is not a matter of trusting Woody to
be perfect and never say or do anything to cause me pain; it is a matter of
trusting God to protect me from Woody’s mistakes.
I am definitely a work in
progress. Yet, God is slowly transforming me. I am learning to submit to His
will. I am surrendering control. I am biting my tongue. I am yielding to a God
who knows me intimately and realizes just how hard it is for me to let go of
the grudge I have held for most of my life.
He gives grace and glory. And as
I am changed, my marriage is blessed. Intimacy is restored. The foundation is
repaired. Soon, I know, that woman in Proverbs 31 will not be such an
unobtainable goal. You see, God has started the makeover. He will transform me
into the “Virtuous Wife.” I may have entered the world fighting, but I will go
out of it quietly.
