I stood and watched as all the cheerful couples gathered in
the church foyer laughing, engaging in casual conversation as they waited for
the sanctuary doors to open so that they could flood into the room and begin
worshiping our God. And I was angry….
I was supposed to be one half of a couple waiting without
loneliness, without sorrow. We would have entered the church smiling, holding
hands. Perhaps we would have gone to dinner beforehand with the kids and told
corny jokes and made plans for Haley’s eighteenth birthday. Yet that is no
longer my story. Although I keep trying to backspace and delete the last year
of the tale which has been written, it has been keyed into a protected document
and I cannot override it and edit the novel which has become my life.
The night of worship began with my tears—sobs really—until a
woman whom I met this past Easter came out of the sanctuary and found me in the
hallway. She held me and comforted me with sweet words and prayer while I
sobbed in her arms. “Okay,” I finally breathed, “I can do this.”
As I reentered the sanctuary “Good, Good Father” played. It
was one of the songs played at Woody’s celebration of life. “Yes, God, I
know. You are perfect in all of your
ways, and I am loved by You.” Finally, worship permeated my breaking heart. As
tears streamed down my face, I worshipped God.
It was in that very sacred moment He spoke to me quite
clearly. I poured out my desires and my shattered dreams. I shared my
loneliness, my brokenness, and He held my heart and gently began to open my
eyes to His plan. “You are not meant for an earthly husband. I am to be Your
husband. I will fill your days with love and comfort. I will support you. I
will co-parent your children with you. Your life is mine. You are mine and
there is no one on earth who will care for you better than I can. Right now, I
am all you need. Give me your life and I will satisfy your every need.” I
listened to these words and I knew He was right.
As I sat praying before communion, I knew that the choice
was mine. God had given me an option, opened a door. Would I walk through it?
The answer? Yes. As I dipped the bread into the cup I made the choice to follow
God’s calling wherever it may lead. I chose to give my all to Him.
I will always miss Woody. I was so blessed to be his wife
for as long as I was, but now I belong to God and will dedicate the days I have
left bringing Him glory and sharing His love.
