Love

Love. I have thought about that little four-lettered word for a while now—specifically, marital love. I have come to the conclusion that love should never be a passive verb. It should always be active. Sometimes the act of loving produces pain or requires great sacrifice, but at other times it yields pure ecstasy. It is the most you will ever give, yet has the potential to give you more than you could ever dream. Sometimes it feels like a gentle spring rain, refreshing and pleasing; while other times it is a tempest swirling around your head, tugging at your clothes, ripping apart your world. However, at all times love requires great faith and fortitude. Perseverance is part of love. It is what makes love eternal and desirable.

As frightening as all that may sound, love can be quite practical. It’s the little things—a kiss good morning, pausing a moment to listen, holding hands in the car, flowers just because, preparing a favorite meal, loading the dishwasher, forgiving, a kiss on the forehead, pausing when your spouse walks into the room to smile, and a thousand other little things that say, “You are the love of my life and I’d do it all over again.” Love can be quite simple, but it should always be acted upon.

So today, while you still have the chance, listen to your spouse. Smile. Do something unexpected. Life is short, but love can be eternal.

God's Gift to Mankind

One of God’s greatest gifts to mankind is the ability to love another human being. True love is quite different than fondness or attraction. True love is sacrificial and unconditional. It does not change with our circumstances and is not based on the other person’s behavior. It loves at all times and is always sincere.

Some people go an entire lifetime without ever experiencing true love in holy matrimony. Yes, they are married, but they have no idea what it means to be in a covenant relationship with God as the cornerstone. There is no spiritual intimacy and, unfortunately, without spiritual intimacy, emotional and physical intimacy will never reach the depth or height that God intends.  The sexiest thing a man can do with his wife is to pray over her, lifting her needs to the heavenly realms. There is an indescribable connection made when two people pray together and seek spiritual wisdom. The bond created in those moments is resilient and will weather any storm. The transparency creates confidence in every other area of the relationship. Tender affection and respect become second nature. Holy matrimony is a sacred relationship founded on biblical principles and draws its strength from the author of true love.

Woody and I came to know that sort of love. It was a long journey which nearly destroyed our union. However, the last four to five years of our marriage were amazing. We finally had discovered what it means to be in a covenant relationship with God and each other. It wasn’t perfect; yet, we understood grace. More than anything, we respected each other. We never let the sun go down on our anger. We gave more than we took. We loved at all times with sincerity.  We understood God’s gifts—marital love and intimacy!

It saddens me when I see couples in the church throwing away their marriages, giving up on the most valuable gift God has given. Nothing is impossible with God. No marriage is beyond the point of no return. Why do we so easily throw in the towel? Is it because we are not truly loving? Has our society redefined love so effectively that even Christians have become blinded to the truth?

I am thankful for the years I had with Woody. I am thankful for his spiritual leadership and all of the times he held me close and prayed fervently for me, our marriage, and our family. I am thankful that I was able to recognize God’s greatest gift to mankind and appreciate it while it was within my reach. Do not take for granted what you have been given. Life is short—sometimes much too short. In a moment everything can change. You do not want to be left with a lifetime of regrets and “what if’s.” I can honestly say that if I had known Woody would die that day on Mt. Yonah, it would not have changed how we lived. I have no regrets. Will you?

Broken and Blessed

To be loved and love completely is priceless. Life is too short. It can be snuffed out in an instant when you least suspect it. We become complacent in the routine of life and we forget just how precious the people who do life with us are. We tend to take for granted those who trudge along beside us on this journey called life. And then when they are gone we know for certain just how valuable they were.

Love is the essence of life, and if you are fortunate enough to be united with another person in holy matrimony, then you can never neglect the vow to love. Because if—really when—that person is suddenly ripped from your arms by tragedy, you will have wasted two lives. Loving someone completely will provide you solace when life no longer surges through his or her veins.

I have loved and have been loved completely by a man who healed me through that love. I have been content and full to the brim. I have been blessed beyond words by a man who has adored me for nearly 21 years. He has been a devoted husband and father. He has been my life, and I did not take for granted what we had. We had toiled diligently to achieve intimacy forged by faith. I will never forget what I had with Woody and will miss him every day for the rest of my life.

Tragedy did strike our happy home. The bliss I have known, the love and the beauty of a fulfilled marriage, have been ripped from my hands by an incident too terrible for words. However even though I am completely broken, I am still blessed. God gave me the most exquisite gift, one forged through the flames and polished to a golden glow. I will never stop praising the name of the One who allowed me to know what it was to be Woody’s wife. Broken and blessed by the One who blessed me ultimately through His brokenness.

Life is short this side of heaven. However, eternity waits for me and so does the man who gave me just a glimpse of the love and joy I have yet to know there. Thank you, Woody, for being the man God created you to be. And just know you are still loved completely.

Excerpts from My Book

I am busily writing, but not about intimacy in marriage. This time, I am writing to teenage/single young women about how living a life of purity will set the foundation for intimacy in marriage. So, while all my creative juices are working towards that, I will be occasionally posting excerpts from my book Finding Intimacy in Marriage: A Spiritual, Emotional And Physical Journey published by Faith Books & More, copyright 2014. If you have not read my book, then I hope you enjoy these posts. If you have, then please be patient while I work on my next project. I promise I will have new material for the blog once I am finished.

If you are interested in purchasing my book, it can be found on amazon.com or Barnes&Noble.com.

"In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines.  Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is hard during the late days of summer and early days of fall.  However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time.  I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested.  We manage to do the same thing with sex.  There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed.  Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited.  We rob ourselves of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of that first embrace.  Physical intimacy before marriage deprives us of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, we have traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment and are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused.  That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage.  There are no gray areas.  This is not one of those “disputable” matters.  God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

Many times throughout the Bible, the relationship between the church (believers) and Christ is compared to a marriage.  Isaiah 62:5b says, “as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.”  In Matthew 25, Jesus told the parable of the ten virgins, comparing His return to the bridegroom. Again, in Mark 2, Jesus refers to Himself as the bridegroom, and one of the clearest descriptions of the church as the bride of Christ is given in Revelation 19.

Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:22-23, that the relationship between Christ and the church is a “profound mystery.”  However, through the covenant of marriage, we can begin to understand that union.  Marriage teaches us how to love unconditionally and how to sacrifice self for the sake of another.  It teaches us respect and commitment.  Through marriage we can begin to understand true intimacy, an internal knowledge, a oneness that can only be experienced within the union of marriage.  By understanding this bond, we can better appreciate the connection we have with Christ and how He sacrificed Himself to bring us into the beautiful relationship we have with our God.  Jesus Christ was the unblemished sacrifice—the only offering pure enough to die in our place and cover us with His righteousness.  The blood of the purest Lamb brought us into covenant relationship. He committed one hundred percent.  We were His only love.  He never courted any other.  He waited until the perfect time, and then He gave all He had to give.  That is to be our model of marriage.

Ask yourself this, what would Jesus’ sacrifice upon the cross mean had He been defiled in any way?  What if He had entered into the covenant relationship with a past full of lust-filled fantasies and sexual impurity?  I am not saying that Jesus wasn’t fully man.  He was, and as a man, He was a sexual being.  He appreciated a beautiful woman just as much as any man does.  However, He never desired a woman in an unhealthy, ungodly fashion.  He never lusted.  If He had given in to any temptation, including impure thoughts, it would have disqualified Him to be the Messiah, the Lamb of God, the perfect sacrifice suitable to die in our place and cover our sins.  Do you see how coming into a covenant relationship defiled can fracture a bond before it is even made?

Satan knows how damaging premarital sex and impurity in thought and action are, more so than we will ever know.  He knows that if marriages lose their value, our relationship with God loses its value.  He knows that if he can attack the first union established by God, all others will fall apart too, including the most important one we have—that with God.  We no longer value purity, holiness, what it means to be consecrated for God’s use; in fact, we really do not even know what these words mean anymore.  They have been redefined and secularized.  Even the word “marriage” has been reinterpreted by our society so many times that we are no longer clear as to what it stands for.  And the attack continues to this day.  Sexual impurity is Satan’s ace in the hole.  He understands what this means; he gets the significance.  Why can’t we?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage.  The beauty of what God has in store is stolen.  God created sex and the way He planned it is far better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine.  It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in every soap opera with the perfectly chiseled male and exquisitely beautiful, well-proportioned blonde.  It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine.  It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt.  There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension.  That is how God designed it.  Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?  And we wonder why our marriages lack intimacy and are falling apart at record rates?  We have bought into a terrible lie.  The world’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned physical intimacy into a form of self-indulgent, pleasure seeking entertainment.  The value of love-making has been lost.

The reason our marriages lack physical intimacy is because sex shouldn’t be an act of self-gratification and intense passion the way it is portrayed on television and on the big screen.  It should be a moment of considerate, tender love-making.  There should only be two people involved and not a host of memories clouding the moment and stealing the heart.  When you have had physical encounters with people other than your spouse, it can be difficult to keep your mind in the moment and not fantasize about what it was like when you were single and sex was thrilling.  Love-making may not be “thrilling;” it may be quite comfortable.  There should be a familiarity and ease about it.  It has a different sort of “excitement”; an excitement that is healthy and causes our affections to grow stronger and more sensitive to the needs of our spouse.  That is how God designed it.  And there is something delightful about the lack of intensity."

Loving Sacrificially

I know it—intellectually; but emotionally?

The heart is slow to follow the head.

Love requires sacrifice…there is no “easy” button. But, we all search for the path of least resistance. We desire committed, soul-satisfying love. We want to be satiated—filled to the brim. However, while searching for this elusive emotion we never stop to question, “What will this require of me? What will I need to give in order to receive?”

Loving fallen man cannot be easy.  Yet Jesus left His home on high, humbled Himself by taking on human flesh, and then died a horrendous death—all in the name of love.

Sacrifice.

Giving when there may be nothing given in return.

When we put aside self, we learn to walk in love. Our hearts must give in order to receive. There is something about the offering that prepares the heart for accepting. Until we learn to give ourselves away—to sacrifice—we cannot understand what it truly means to be loved.

We must empty ourselves in order to be filled. Sacrifice drains the vessel of the heart in order to make room for the soul-satisfying love we all seek.

I know this. Yet, living out this principle daily requires discipline and patience. However, knowing that I am loved sacrificially by the creator of the world inspires me to dedicate my life to learning this principle emotionally as well as I do intellectually.

It's In the Little Things

Coming home to find hydrangeas in a vase

Calling first thing in the morning to say, “I love you!”

Holding hands while driving to the store.

Doing another load of laundry after washing all the clothes—just because he needs a few items to take on the road.

Putting him first in my thoughts even though he is hundreds of miles away.

Woody is home six days out of the month if we are lucky. Building intimacy is nearly impossible with an absentee spouse. However, it is all the little things that bind us together—like gentle raindrops falling on my face, providing momentary relief from the sun’s scorching rays. The gentle words, the small gifts, the acts of service—all of these things are so mundane and menial; yet through these things we say “I love you. I value you. I desire you.”

Love isn’t always romance and rockets exploding, but it is always respectful; and we discover it’s true worth in the little things.

Fragile Strength

I love trail running, especially in the first hours of daylight when the rays of the sun cast long shadows on the earth and dappled sunlight dances on the trail. The morning is peaceful as the birds wake the woods with their bright, cheery songs.  “Time to wake up!” they seem to say.  I love the sound of my feet hitting the trail, crunching through dead leaves.  And then… I’m covered in a sinewy web that some poor, unsuspecting spider built from one side of the path to the other in an attempt to catch its morning meal; instead, it caught me, and as I wipe away the silky threads covering my face and arms, I am praying that I don’t have a small hitchhiker to finish up my morning run.

I am now more aware of my surroundings.  I would really like to steer clear of future spider webs.  I notice the sun glistening on several just off the path.  They look like threads of silver strung with tiny diamonds.  And in the middle of each web, a small, orange spider sits waiting for its prey.  As I finish my run, I am amazed at how many webs I see scattered through the woods.  They are countless. 

I can’t help but contemplate the work of these orb spiders and each fragile trap that has been meticulously built in order to survive.  Web building spiders have to rely on these silky, sticky threads for life.  Without a web, the spider cannot eat.  They cannot see well, but they feel the slightest vibration and can interpret it through the movement of the radii.  The web that I destroyed within seconds had been built during the night, when most web building occurs.  Most spiders must rebuild their webs nightly, and as they do, they may eat the remnant of the old web, recycling the silk.  If nothing else, spiders are diligent.  Everyday their webs are destroyed by animals or wind (or errant runners), and yet every night they rebuild.  They have to.  Without such diligence, they would die.

A spider web is designed in such a way that when one strand is broken, the web is actually strengthened. The web is constructed so that the spider will only need to do minor repairs. Winds will blow and small branches will break. The spider has a built in defense mechanism of sorts in order to cope with such issues. They are equipped to handle minor snags.

Marriage is very much like a spider’s web.  It is beautiful and fragile; it requires diligence and sacrifice. Strength has to be built into the very fiber of a union because trials will come; and when they do, strands will be broken. However, if the marriage has been correctly constructed, those troubles will strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.  Our words and actions must be guarded. Within moments, errant words spoken in anger can destroy the magnificent threads that have been intricately spun together. The very thing created to sustain life becomes a tangle of tacky threads clinging to branches while the wind whisks away the remnants of the life you have knit together.

Every day work, family, and finances run through the paths of your life, fighting for attention—attempting to destroy what you have built. And every night, the work of rebuilding what has been lost must be done.  Without the web that has joined you together, the marriage will starve and eventually die due to malnourishment. You must diligently build together what the world destroys daily.

We can learn a great deal from nature and the fragile strength of the spider’s web. Take time to rebuild what is destroyed daily. Be diligent. The life of your marriage depends on the web you weave.

Encourage More

Driving home this morning, I found myself behind a rather grimy semi. On the back of the trailer, someone had written in the dirt, “Encourage more.”  “What a lovely thought,” I said to myself; but then I started thinking about it. When was the last time I encouraged someone? Whom did I encourage? I wasn’t quite as fond of my answers as I thought I would be. I realized that the majority of the encouragement I provide is given to those who are not within my own family. Next on the list are my children. And who is last? Woody, the man to whom I vowed to cherish and honor. The person who should be first.

I know how hard it is sometimes to say something kind and inspiring to your spouse. Usually, when you do find time during the day to exchange ideas, your conversation is full of details—kids’ schedules, work, meal plans, bills, and a thousand other particulars. We are so preoccupied with keeping everything running smoothly that we fail to see that disregarding the most important detail—your spouse—can derail the whole train.  How hard is it to squeeze in a few words of encouragement along with all the information that a couple must share during the course of a day?

“I love the way you provide for our family. You are so helpful. You are such an honorable man. Thank you for being a godly example for our children.” These are only a few phrases that might encourage your partner in life and love. Make a list of positive phrases you might say to your spouse; and the next time you speak, throw one in. I have made my list and am ready to use it. 

Encourage more.  And to think that a dirty semi could teach me a life lesson.

A Virtuous Wife?

I must have emerged from the womb throwing punches with a grudge the size of Texas on my shoulders. I am stubborn, selfish, controlling, confrontational, and do not like to admit when I am wrong. I like it even less when Woody tells me I’m wrong. I am definitely not what God had in mind when detailing the “Virtuous Wife” in Proverbs 31. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was the antithesis. I cannot even begin to explain the frustration that used to well up in me when confronted with this passage.  Had I been appointed editor, I am quite confident that Proverbs 31:10-31 would have been omitted from the Bible. Yet, God knew better.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to be a virtuous wife. I desire to be a woman whom my husband can trust to bring him good, and who will open her mouth with wisdom. Unfortunately, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak, words fly out like little arrows searching for their next victim, wounding the heart and leaving scars. And sometimes it’s just easier to bring evil rather than good.

Why do I struggle so much in this area? Is it because I have never seen unselfish love in the flesh modeled? Is it because I do not trust Woody to always do me good? I have been hurt by him repeatedly, and truth be told, I do not trust him. So, am I justified in my egoism? No.

God loves me unselfishly. He is my example. God is my protection. He is whom I trust. Psalm 84:11 states, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” As long as I am following God, He will protect me. He will not allow harm to come my way. You see, it is not a matter of trusting Woody to be perfect and never say or do anything to cause me pain; it is a matter of trusting God to protect me from Woody’s mistakes.

I am definitely a work in progress. Yet, God is slowly transforming me. I am learning to submit to His will. I am surrendering control. I am biting my tongue. I am yielding to a God who knows me intimately and realizes just how hard it is for me to let go of the grudge I have held for most of my life.  He gives grace and glory.  And as I am changed, my marriage is blessed. Intimacy is restored. The foundation is repaired. Soon, I know, that woman in Proverbs 31 will not be such an unobtainable goal. You see, God has started the makeover. He will transform me into the “Virtuous Wife.” I may have entered the world fighting, but I will go out of it quietly.

My Book

There is still time to order my book in time for Christmas.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419343560&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Why Is Purity Important for My Future?

Almost every teenage girl has dreamed of the day that she will meet the man of her dreams. Soon afterwards, he will realize that she is the only woman he could ever love, and as he descends to one knee, he will reach into his side coat pocket and expose a black velvet ring box. “Will you marry me?” The answer is always “Yes!” and they live happily ever after.  Or do they?

Growing up on fairy tales and Barbie movies, every little girl has believed in the “happily ever after” scenario at some point in her life. However, reality is no fairy tale and the castles usually crumble shortly after the “I do’s” are whispered and the first dispute arises revealing that you are not married to Prince Charming. Instead you feel as if you kissed your prince and he turned into a toad.  Then children arrive on the scene and the fantasy falls apart. So much for happily ever after.

Marriage is difficult. It requires work and dedication. It is not for the weak. We need to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage with as little baggage as possible. Starting off with a past full of sexual sin and emotional attachments can doom a marriage before the vows are even spoken. You will not have a problem-free marriage; however, you can make decisions now that will improve and strengthen the intimacy you will have with your future husband. Marriage is difficult, but you can make it easier. Choosing a life guided by the principles of purity will increase the odds of your marriage not only surviving but also thriving.

In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines. Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is difficult during the late days of summer and early days of fall. However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time. I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested. We manage to do the same thing with sex. There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed. Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited. Do you want to rob yourself of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of the first embrace? Physical intimacy before marriage deprives you of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, our society has traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment, and we are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused. That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage. There are no gray areas. This is not one of those “disputable” matters. God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

What is God’s plan for physical intimacy?

When God created Adam, he created in Adam’s being a need for human companionship. Read Genesis 2:15-24. In verse 20, what did Adam realize?

Although surrounded by creatures of every kind, Adam was lonely. He had no one of equal status to share his newfound discoveries. God knew this would happen. He had placed within Adam a longing for companionship—the foundation of all relationships. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed a stunning woman from the same materials He had used to make Adam. Adam took one look at Eve and said, “Ah, flesh of my flesh! She will be called woman.” And as they consummated their relationship, they became one. They were married—no ceremony, no license; just God’s blessing. The physical act is what established the union of marriage. What does the Bible say in Genesis 2:24?

I think you know what “one flesh” means. Did you realize that in God’s eyes, sex equals marriage? Let’s take a look at another biblical couple. If you fast forward through the book of Genesis to chapter twenty-four, you will read the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was Abraham’s son, the fulfillment of God’s promise. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant returned to Canaan with Rebekah, Isaac was out in the field meditating. At the same time Isaac saw the servant approaching with the lovely Rebekah, Rebekah noticed him and made inquiries. When she discovered it was her husband to be, she covered herself with her veil (a sign of her virginity). Isaac made his way to the small group and was informed of all that had occurred. This maiden was to be his wife. What happened then? Did they have a time of courtship while planning a lavish wedding? No, because in that time period a ceremony did not constitute marriage. Genesis 24:67 tells us “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife.” That was it! When a man had sexual relations with a woman, he entered into a binding, covenant relationship that could not be undone. This is the union that makes us one. Sex is marriage.

Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.  Did men have the option of having casual sex with unmarried women?

Now read 2 Samuel 13:1-20.  This is the story of Tamar, a beautiful daughter of King David. Her half-brother, Amnon lusted after her to the point he thought it was love. What does Tamar say to Amnon in verse 16 after he has violated her?

Tamar knew that she would no longer be eligible for marriage. Her virginity had been defiled. She was a ruined woman. How does this compare to today’s view of a woman who has had sex before marriage?

How did we get to a point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex? If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.” Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

God’s plan for any type of physical intimacy includes guard rails to keep your life on the right path. The covenant relationship of marriage provides the protection you need. You have been entrusted with a treasure that once given away cannot easily be recovered. Your purity is priceless.

How will choosing purity impact my future?

If marriage is part of your future plans, then how you live right now determines how much intimacy you will have with your future husband. You are building the foundation right now. When you finally meet the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with, you will promise to love, cherish and honor one another until death do you part. This is a covenant relationship. Look up the word “covenant” in the dictionary.  Write the definition.

A covenant is a binding agreement.  It literally means “a coming together.” Think of it as super glue. If you glue paper together and let the adhesive dry, you have created one thick piece of paper. You cannot make it two again without causing damage to the individual pieces. The paper is ruined if you try to tear it apart. That word picture should help you to better understand what God had in mind when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

Can you join together with someone emotionally or physically and break away from that intimate relationship without being damaged? Explain your answer.

When two pieces of paper have been joined together, it is impossible to tear them apart without leaving small remnants of each piece behind on the other piece. When you make emotional and physical attachments, you cannot break off a relationship without leaving a part of you behind. How much of “you” do you want to offer to your husband? How much of your husband do you want him to offer you? Think about that question for a moment and then answer it honestly.

Those leftover pieces have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times.  They have a nasty habit of developing into full grown road blocks that obstruct the path which leads to intimacy in marriage.  Only you have the power to choose a lifestyle right now which will keep your course clear.

I realize that the society in which you live bombards you daily with hyper-sexualized images. The world’s standards are nonexistent when it comes to purity. “You only live once!” You have been taught to expect instant gratification. Why wait when you can have it all now? The “live in the moment” mindset dominates the decision making process of generations y and z.  However, you must realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your choices have consequences; and just because you cannot easily visualize the effects of the choices you make today, do not think for a moment that you have escaped them. Whether you pay now or later, you will pay.

What do you think some of the costs are of not choosing purity as a lifestyle?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage. The beauty of what God has in store is stolen. God created sex and the way He planned it is better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine. It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in the movies being released in record number that are aimed at teenage viewers. It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine. It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt. There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension. That is how God designed it. Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?

Do no buy into the terrible lies the world will feed you. Society’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned something that should be treasured and preserved into a form of self-indulgent entertainment. You will suffer great loss by believing the propaganda that is being hurled at you through music, movies, and social media. The relationship you long to have with the man to whom you will pledge your life is dependent upon the choices you make now. Choose wisely knowing that the foundation of your future is being laid right now.

My Book

Many people spend a lifetime searching for intimacy—intimacy with parents, with friends, and eventually with a spouse. Yet sometimes the road to intimacy is littered with debris from our past, and we find ourselves immobilized by our fears and failures. How do we escape the consequences of our unwise choices? How do we move into the future when our past has obstructed the way? Can spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy be restored to a marriage which seems on the verge of destruction?

These were the questions I found myself asking seven years ago. My marriage was on the verge of destruction, when I found myself on my knees pleading with God to reveal the answers to me. I didn’t realize that the journey would begin with me as God began to expose my shortcomings. Ever so slowly, God took my hand in His as He guided me on a journey that led to complete intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical.

This book was written as a study guide for women who find themselves in a battle as they try to build or discover intimacy in marriage. It answers the questions which God answered for me.  It is God’s desire to breathe new life into your marriage.  Change is never easy, especially when it begins within. However, with God leading the way, you will break free from your fears and move into His glorious light.  You will be rewarded with what every married couple has desired at some point during their lives—to be more personally connected with their spouses—one of the most important relationships they will ever have.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413718031&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Marriage Takes Work

“I won’t have any problems in my marriage,” my 19 year old informs me.  I try not to laugh, but his statement is so naïve—so ludicrous—that I can’t control the chuckle that escapes me.

“Every marriage has problems.  It’s the nature of the beast.  It is impossible to bring two people together from completely different backgrounds with different life experiences, different temperaments—not to mention the difficulties that arise from just being different genders—and try to live as one. In fact, it is nearly impossible. “

“Well, you and Dad seemed to make it work.”

“Only because we never wanted a divorce at the same time.” 

And that is the reality of marriage.  Matrimony can be messy. It takes work and dedication. It takes perseverance. It takes humility. But most importantly, it takes faith.  Marriage is the most difficult and the most rewarding relationship you will ever be in. However, it doesn’t just “happen.” Like any living thing, it needs to be nourished and nurtured. Without those elements, it will die.

Many people look upon my marriage and imagine that Woody and I have it all figured out.  We get along so well and we never complain. Heck, I wrote a book about intimacy, so I must have it all figured out, right? Wrong. Marriage never survives on cruise control. In fact, it will crash and burn with devastating results. Every day, we must dedicate our lives to living inside of God’s will for our union; and every day, we must both commit ourselves to the demanding role of “spouse.”

If you are looking for the fairy tale ending, marriage will disappoint. If you are disillusioned enough to believe that marriage can be trouble free, think again. Anyone who tells you he or she has an effortless marriage is lying. Marriage takes determination, but through the struggle comes satisfaction and great reward.

A Letter to Teen Girls Concerning Intimacy

Dear Beautiful Young Lady,

Developing an exclusive relationship with someone before you are spiritually, emotionally, and financially prepared to commit to marriage is morally wrong. The Bible is very clear that love must be sincere.  Strong emotional attachments lead to physical intimacy which is never condoned by God before marriage. I have seen too many young couples  who have become emotionally intimate struggle to keep from becoming physically intimate, a temptation that never would have been an issue had they remained friends. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, teens who are dating exclusively are more likely to have sex earlier than teens who do not.  

Every time a young person becomes emotionally intimate with another person, she is giving satan ammunition to use against her later in life once she is married and enduring the very real and normal struggles that come from being married. Satan will bring that person from the past into the present and start asking, “What if…?” questions. Every attachment provides more ammunition. Every attachment starts to wear away at the guard rails God put into place to protect the emotional intimacy in a marriage.  Every time you give your heart away, you give away a part of you that you can never get back. You are stealing all those “firsts” from your future spouse—first love, first hug, first spark, first kiss.  Developing romantic love and loyalty with a young man is like living out one of the privileges of marriage without the responsibility of being married. It also tends to quickly move a relationship toward physical intimacy. Also, shouldn’t that exclusive emotional attachment be reserved for your future husband?

I am saying all of this because I ask and I pray that you consider the risks of emotional attachments that may or may not lead to marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart as you develop any relationship. Make friendship the goal, not romance. Think of your future spouse at all times and whether or not you will feel completely comfortable in the future revealing every aspect of your relationship with him. He should never feel as if he has lost a part of you to another man. Your heart belongs wholly to him.

I do apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. That is not my intent. My goal is to ensure that you go into your marriage someday completely pure emotionally and physically.  You are building the foundation for intimacy in your marriage right now. Let that foundation be built on the Rock, by living out the principles He has placed within His word to allow you success.

Blessings,

Kim

Love, Honor, and Cherish?

I have a confession to make.  I have not kept my wedding vows.  I promised to “love, honor, and cherish” my husband until “death do us part,” and I barely made it through our first week of marriage before I broke at least one of those promises.

Love—honor—cherish.  Are they meaningless words echoed while gazing into the eyes of your future spouse while dreaming of the reception and honeymoon?  Or are they words that fall from your tongue while your families and friends witness the exchange of vows—vows which many of us never contemplate even once after the ceremony is over?  What do these three little transitive verbs mean?  I mean, most of us realize what it is to love; but what about to honor and to cherish?

To honor someone is to respect, to revere, and to treat him with deference.  It is to treat him with the highest regard in words and actions.  To cherish someone is very similar.  To cherish my husband, I need to treat him in an encouraging manner by protecting, aiding, and attending.  Even my mind should harbor thoughts which hold him dear and embrace him with affection. 

Proverbs 31:11-12 states, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm, all the days of her life.”  That is honor.  You will notice, these verses do not stipulate to bring him good only if he brings you good first.  This is a formidable imperative.  Am I the only one who finds it daunting?  I don’t want to honor Woody on those days when I feel as if he is being obnoxious and overbearing.  And what is this with him always thinking he has to be right?  I hate having to swallow my pride in order to make peace. 

So how do we go about keeping our vows? By going to the source of love.  God is love!  When I consider how He has given me excellence when I deserved death, then swallowing my pride in order to bring about peace becomes simple.  And just as Proverbs reveals, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”  Once I have replenished my supply, loving, honoring, and cherishing Woody is effortless.

Love, honor, and cherish—if you are struggling to keep these vows, meditate upon what the words mean.  Identify the areas in your life where you are not putting the words into action and then go to the source of all love and wisdom, and soon keeping  your wedding vows will become effortless.

What Does God Have To Do With Intimacy, Part 2

Read Genesis 2:8-25.  In verse 18 what does God say is not good for man?

God immediately recognized Adam’s need for companionship—that it was not good for man to be alone.  God had brought all of the animals to Adam, but Adam had not been able to find a companion comparable to him.

Take another look at Genesis 2:23.  What does Adam recognize immediately concerning his relationship with the woman?  He immediately realized that Eve was a part of him, the intimate connection was made.   What does it mean to you to become “one flesh?”

There is an intimacy in becoming “one flesh” that we have lost sight of in today’s society.  Since the “sexual revolution” we no longer understand the tender familiarity that should take place between a husband and a wife when they become “one flesh.”  It should be a sweet mystery to be discovered within the protective bonds of a marriage.

Verse twenty-five reads, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”  I love that visual!  To stand before each other, completely exposed, vulnerable in every sense and to experience no shame, no threat of wrongdoing by the other, to completely trust!  Have you ever stood in front of your husband completely naked, literally and figuratively?  If you have never been able to stand before your husband utterly defenseless in your nakedness, what has prevented you from doing so?

Marriage was created on the sixth day in the Garden of Eden.  God’s plan was for a man and a woman to become one and in doing so, stand unashamed before Him and each other entirely stripped of all pretenses, trusting, loving, and knowing.  We can’t genuinely know another until we have stood before him without any barriers blocking our view.

In Genesis 24:62-66 we can read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Rebekah was an answer to prayer.  She went willingly with Abraham’s servant away from all that she loved and knew to marry a man whom she had never met.  All she truly knew was that he was a man of God.  In this passage we are invited to take a glimpse into that first meeting.  We see Rebekah climbing down from her camel and covering herself.  You can almost picture Isaac taking her in, realizing God’s choice for his life.  And then verse 66 says it all, “he married Rebekah…and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”  She was his comfort, his love, his answer to prayer.  He took her into his tent without any shame, without any deception.  They became one flesh and completely understood what it meant to be in a covenant, intimate relationship with a spouse. 

Again, we see God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage.  We should be comforted and loved.  Exposed and trusting.  These two passages do not even begin to encompass all that God has planned for us as His children.  How excited I was to discover God’s purpose for my marriage!  He has the same plans for you and your marriage.  Think on that for a moment…God wants you to find love, trust, and comfort.  Do you trust God to fulfill His intentions for your marriage?  If not, ask Him now to give you the faith to know He is a God of purpose and promise.

“Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love.  Thank you for planning my life and letting the union with my spouse be a part of Your plan.  Help me to trust Your goals for my marriage.  Let me feel Your loving presence within my home, constantly holding me up and reassuring me.  In Jesus’ holy name I pray.   Amen”   

What Does God Have to Do with Intimacy? Part 1

It is hard to understand what our relationships with others are to look like until we have a personal relationship with our creator God.   Until we have crawled into His loving presence and have experienced His grace, we cannot fully comprehend what it means to completely trust without fear of rejection.  Until we have experienced His unconditional love, it is virtually impossible to understand true intimacy.  Unfortunately, this all-consuming knowledge of God did not happen until after I was married.

To say my relationship with Woody suffered much during the first several years of our marriage is an understatement.  I was a brand new, recommitted Christian, and my husband was somewhat Gnostic.  He believed in a God; he just wasn’t sure how personal or real that “God” should be.  To complicate matters, we had had a child before our nuptials.  To start off a marriage with a child and unequally yoked had definitely not been God’s plan.  

During my first year of marriage, I began to feel God’s loving presence as He wooed me back into a committed relationship with Him.  I fell “head over heels” in love with our wonderful Creator and everything in my life took on a new appearance.  God transformed my ideas as to the type of wife and mother I should be.  The journey, nonetheless, would prove to be difficult and full of obstacles, the biggest obstacle being my pride.

I praise God that during this time Woody was patient and stayed the course.  The new Christian I had become was judgmental, stubborn, and self-righteous.  Woody’s every action came under my scrutinizing gaze.  If he did anything that I deemed “un-Christ-like,” I was the first to notify him of it.  Our relationship did not grow closer as it should have.  My faith had put a wedge between us.  God slowly changed my heart, and as I matured I saw my sin of pride for what it was.  My stubbornness became submission; my judgmental, self-righteousness became humility.  I learned to bite my tongue and let God deal with Woody’s heart.  Regrettably, the damage had been done in my relationship with him.  We had become so emotionally distant that I didn’t know how to traverse the expanse that separated us.

It was during this time that I came to the realization that intimacy has absolutely nothing to do with sex and everything to do with a spiritual connection.  God has everything to do with intimacy.  He created you to have an intimate relationship with your spouse.  Somehow during the course of history, we have skewed the definition of intimacy that God has planned for His children.  The first step in regaining that closeness is understanding God’s plan for marriage and how God is intricately involved in our relationships.  Only then can we achieve intimacy with another person.

Sex Is Hateful

So many people young and old choose to have sex outside of marriage. We are a nation where freedom to choose is flaunted as the distinguishing factor that separates us from inferior cultures.  We may choose to engage in any activity—within the boundaries of the law—even if it is dangerous and destructive. During the sexual revolution we were “liberated” from Judeo-Christian standards which taught that sex outside of marriage was a “sin.” Now we live in a modern society where each man may adopt whatever moral standard he chooses, which means “sin” is an antiquated idea spoken by religious fanatics.  So, the choice to have pre- or extra-marital sex should not come as a surprise to anyone nor should it be spoken against.  However, that is exactly what I intend to do.

Sex is hateful.  It is a physical activity devoid of emotion or commitment. It is about self-gratification, full of lust and devoid of love.  It is a passionate act in which self-control has been disregarded or never existed.  It thinks only of the moment and never of the consequences.  Sex was never part of God’s design.  However, intimacy was and is.  By God’s design, physical intimacy was meant to bind two people together for life as one unit. The act itself was the covenant which made man and woman husband and wife. Making love was and is supposed to be just that—an extension and expression of a married couple’s love.   So why are we short-changing our lives and settling for sex?

Girls, the only way to ensure that sex is not merely a physical act—that it truly is love making—is to wait until he promises not only to have you but to also hold you through sickness and health, through the valleys as well as the mountain top experiences. If he really loves you, he will want to wait and completely commit.  Look at King David’s daughter, Tamar, in 2 Samuel 13.  If you read the story, you will learn that Amnon desired Tamar.  Amnon had sex with Tamar and then threw her away, wasted goods. He stole her youth, beauty, and innocence.  There was nothing left for Tamar to give. Amnon had taken the most valuable thing from her.  Yet, he had sworn he was “in love” and would die without her. However, as soon as he had taken her, he hated her as much as he had claimed to love her. Sex without the sacrifice of commitment is cruel and hateful.

Lust is not love.  It will fade. True love waits and is unwavering.  Why would someone ask you to wait for marriage but yet not expect to wait for physical intimacy? How is that love?  True love commits.  So, what will you choose, a moment of physical pleasure or a lifetime of committed love? 

One of my favorite Bible stories has always been when Jesus raised his friend Lazarus from the dead. It’s a great story, but it has always left me with more questions than answers. Why did Jesus wait until after Lazarus had been dead for four days? Why did He wait to travel to Bethany? If he really loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, why didn’t he drop everything and go when they sounded the alarm? I mean, this literally was a life and death situation.

Many Jews during the first century believed that the soul remained close to the body for three days and could return to the body within that time period. When Jesus showed up on the scene, all hope was plainly gone. Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days! Surely, God had waited too long. Yet, Jesus’ timing was perfect. You see, He doesn’t panic when He sees our predicament. He waits for the proper time so that His power might be revealed to a world which has chosen not to acknowledge Him.

We look at our circumstances and think, “All hope is gone! The fourth day has passed.  Perhaps yesterday, life could have been restored to this situation but not now. In fact, let’s just bury it and try to hide the stench.” However, God in His perfect timing arrives and says, “All is not lost. Life will be restored. Take away the stone!” And we stand on the side lines with our mouths gaping in utter disbelief not knowing what might come walking out of the tomb.

Jesus still works miracles in His timing for the glory of God. When marriages are restored that have been on the brink of destruction, to God be the glory! When employment comes right before financial ruin, to God be the glory! When the world sees hopeless situations turned around through the power of God and lives are transformed, then once again, to God be the glory!

What situations in your life do you believe the fourth day has come and there is no hope for healing? Where have you given up because you believe it is too late? Remember, Jesus stands outside the tomb declaring, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?”

John 11:1-44

Pastor Kevin Myers of 12Stone church just co-authored a book with John Maxwell titled,  Home Run.  In the book, life is compared to a baseball diamond.  One must run to first base before he continues on to second, third, and then home.  Although we may laugh in little league to see the batter run to third base first, Kevin points out that beyond little league, it is no longer humorous.  However, in life that is exactly what we have done—we continue to run the bases backwards and wonder why we are left feeling empty and depressed by time we reach home plate.

While listening to Pastor Kevin Myers’ analogy this past Sunday, I realized that the same thing has been done when it comes to intimacy.  We have run the bases backwards.  In today’s society a couple is almost encouraged to become physically intimate upon the first date.  Sex is crammed down our throats through every venue possible—movies, television programming, commercials, magazines, music, books, etc.  The list is exhaustive!  The expectation is that a couple should have sex before marriage.  Third base has become first.

Once a couple has had sex, then they work on developing a friendship.  Yet, these friendships are superficial; there is no authenticity.  Even so, the couple—usually one party more than the other—will cling to this relationship because they know deep down that sex is an act of the utmost intimacy.  They desperately want to cultivate a committed friendship which will eventually lead to marriage.  Second base is challenging to reach.

If the couple ends up surviving this second step of the game, many times they do marry and, like in my case, after the marriage many discover God and forge a relationship with Him.  Then the task of developing spiritual intimacy begins.  After building on the physical as the foundation for the relationship, this is the most difficult step.  It requires complete disclosure.  All the masks must come off, and many times, we do not like what is revealed.  We realize we married someone we never would have chosen had we been in relationship with God at the time.  First base is nearly impossible.

If we would just run the bases as God designed, the game would go according to plan and reaching the next base would be the most natural progression.  When will we realize we cannot continue to run the bases backwards?  We cannot build intimacy with a physical bond as the adhesive.  It will never be strong enough to hold together the relationship when the storms of life come crashing through our doors.  Intimacy must be built with God as the foundation.  After that, the friendship follows, then the love making.  And what is home plate?  Fulfilling, delightful intimacy!