Looking back on last year I can see now just how completely
broken I was, and yet somehow my head remained above the waves and my strength was
renewed. God did the miraculous and kept me alive and somehow I continued to
thrive; but my goodness! I was so very damaged—fragmented, really—scattered into
a million pieces desperately attempting to maintain control. I was so buried in
grief, mine and my children’s, that I could not see how broken-down I truly
was.
I reminisce and I am in awe of how God kept it all together.
He alone deserves the credit. I could not have survived that first year along
with all that transpired in it. We moved from the home we shared with Woody
because the memories that floated through every room in our home only served to
remind me of what I had lost. I immediately began cosmetic renovations to our
new home transforming it into a sanctuary for the children. Hunter lost his
scholarship and had to come home for a semester until we could figure out what
God had in store. Haley tried to take her own life and told me that she wished
I had died rather than her dad. Her attacks grew vicious to the point that at
one point I thought I would have to find other living arrangements for her. She
was so angry with God that she had pushed Him far away. And all the while I was
trying not to let my grief bury me in a grave of defeat and despair. It was a
year of pure hell.
Then spring came with the promise of hope. God continued to
demonstrate His love for us through His church. Our 12Stone family continued to
love us in practical ways, even arranging a weekend away at the beach for
Mother’s Day weekend, knowing that we would be marking one year since Woody’s
tragic death on Mother’s Day 2015. Our Swim Atlanta family pitched in
providing gift cards and cash to ensure that it was truly a weekend to enjoy.
Hunter’s scholarship was reinstated. Haley was awarded a dance and academic
scholarship that would cover half of her tuition at a private, Christian
college. Then she went to Haiti on a mission trip and God transformed her
heart. She is finally on the path that will lead to God’s best for her. And
Haden did well enough with his swimming to move up to the level of training he
had been diligently working towards. By summer’s end, I knew we would be okay
even as we sold the house we had been living in and moved back into the home we
had shared with Woody.
However, I still stand in awe that we made it through last
year; and I am quite positive that a year from now I will look back and wonder
how I survived this coming year. This I do know—whether I am conscious of His
presence or not, our ability to persist is wholly by God’s power. We would
still be shattered and shaken if it were not for His constant care. So whether
the day is full of sorrow or joy, I will praise Him for infinite faithfulness.
