My Book

There is still time to order my book in time for Christmas.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419343560&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Stretched But Not Distorted

The holiday season is upon us, and I for one feel as if I am drowning in a sea of presents which still need to be purchased and cookies which still need to be baked. The house is in disarray and there is a list of tasks which need to be completed so that we can put our house on the market in preparation of moving to another state. We will have house guests for two weeks over Christmas, and the guest room is full of wrapped and unwrapped presents, ribbons, and bows. Throw in one absentee husband and three teenagers and “Presto!”—the perfect recipe for a migraine. Novartis, I will be investing in your company this year. If nothing else, I am doing my fair share to keep your company afloat as I procure as many bottles of Excedrin Migraine as I can safely consume. 

I feel as if I am a rubber band which has reached its elastic limit. Hooke’s law states that when an object is acted upon by a force, it will bend, stretch, or compress.  Once the force is removed, the object will return to its original shape. Elastic will stretch until it has reached its limit. Beyond that, it will be deformed and never return to its original shape. Yes. That is exactly how I feel right now. Stretched and on the brink of being buckled into an unrecognizable version of myself. Yet somehow, another day passes and my sanity is intact. My children are alive. My husband still loves me. How? God.

Without my faith I would flounder. It is my foundation and my strength. It is my sanity and my substance. Instead of panic, I know peace. Also, there is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when a rubber band is stretched—the molecules (polymers) in the rubber become aligned. They themselves are under no stress whatsoever. When the rubber band is at rest, the molecules are tangled with no real order. I am being stretched, but at the same time, my life is becoming aligned with God’s will as I learn to rely on Him during these uncertain, chaotic times.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, as long as you remember that being stretched can bring order and develop strength. And God will never allow you to be stretched beyond your elastic limit.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Get Up!

“Get up!” Saul was on the road to Damascus when he met Jesus. Lying face down on the ground, Jesus commanded him to get up and go. Saul did as he was instructed and his life was transformed. When we rise from our circumstances, God can move in our lives. However, we have to get up first.

“Get up!” I hear that imperative once more and I cringe. I don’t want to get up, and I certainly don’t want to move. I finally feel as if our family has established some roots, and now we have to rip them up and endure another transplant. I want to dig down deeper, stuff dirt in my ears, and pretend that command was meant for someone else.

“Get up!” I drag my feet. I’m tired. I whimper a little more. My two-year old, temper-tantrum throwing alter ego is revealing her disagreeable self. And yet, God demonstrates infinite patience. He waits while I whine. He comforts through my complaints.

“Get up!”  We grow comfortable, fall asleep, become paralyzed by our fears, and immobilized by our sins. We need to stand up and get going. So, like it or not, I will get up and go. I will let God move my family and wait while He once again moves in my life.

The Autumn of Our Lives

As I watched the last leaves of autumn lose their grip and fall, I couldn’t help but realize how we are so much like those dying leaves.  We’ve moved through the spring of our lives, have languished the long days of summer, and as we have moved into autumn, we have given one last brilliant display of beauty trying so hard to outshine the glories we have known.  But now the longer nights and cooler air have affected our beauty, and we find ourselves turning brown and crisp along the edges.  We try so desperately to hold on to the tree of our youth, gripping the branches with weakening strength.  We are so afraid to fall.  The ground below appears barren and hard—so unwelcoming to our increasingly fragile state.  We can’t fall to the earth among the scattered lives of those who have gone before us.  We are terrified of aging in a society that worships youth and beauty.

Yet, as I observed one leaf being pulled and tugged by the winds of change and quietly lose its hold, the resulting fall was more peaceful than anything I had ever experienced.  I watched the journey as it glided on a gentle current so very elegantly until it was gently placed on the leaf littered ground.    It didn’t toss or turn, spinning violently on the axis of its main vein but glided softly.  I found myself wanting to be that leaf and take that journey.

The autumn and winter of our lives should be the most enriching periods of our lives.  When others watch our journey, they shouldn’t see the struggle but the beauty of the fall.  As those leaves decompose during the bitter cold of winter, they enrich the soil providing much needed nutrients that will cultivate the new blossoms of spring.  New trees will grow in that rich soil and new life will bless the earth.  Our lives should be lived in such a way that when we reach the winter of our lives, we will know we have nurtured those around us in such a way that more glorious things will grow from the compost of our lives. 

Don’t be afraid to let go when the autumn of life comes because during the winter you will find that your life can be more valuable than it ever was in the spring.

Why Is Purity Important for My Future?

Almost every teenage girl has dreamed of the day that she will meet the man of her dreams. Soon afterwards, he will realize that she is the only woman he could ever love, and as he descends to one knee, he will reach into his side coat pocket and expose a black velvet ring box. “Will you marry me?” The answer is always “Yes!” and they live happily ever after.  Or do they?

Growing up on fairy tales and Barbie movies, every little girl has believed in the “happily ever after” scenario at some point in her life. However, reality is no fairy tale and the castles usually crumble shortly after the “I do’s” are whispered and the first dispute arises revealing that you are not married to Prince Charming. Instead you feel as if you kissed your prince and he turned into a toad.  Then children arrive on the scene and the fantasy falls apart. So much for happily ever after.

Marriage is difficult. It requires work and dedication. It is not for the weak. We need to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage with as little baggage as possible. Starting off with a past full of sexual sin and emotional attachments can doom a marriage before the vows are even spoken. You will not have a problem-free marriage; however, you can make decisions now that will improve and strengthen the intimacy you will have with your future husband. Marriage is difficult, but you can make it easier. Choosing a life guided by the principles of purity will increase the odds of your marriage not only surviving but also thriving.

In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines. Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is difficult during the late days of summer and early days of fall. However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time. I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested. We manage to do the same thing with sex. There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed. Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited. Do you want to rob yourself of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of the first embrace? Physical intimacy before marriage deprives you of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, our society has traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment, and we are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused. That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage. There are no gray areas. This is not one of those “disputable” matters. God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

What is God’s plan for physical intimacy?

When God created Adam, he created in Adam’s being a need for human companionship. Read Genesis 2:15-24. In verse 20, what did Adam realize?

Although surrounded by creatures of every kind, Adam was lonely. He had no one of equal status to share his newfound discoveries. God knew this would happen. He had placed within Adam a longing for companionship—the foundation of all relationships. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed a stunning woman from the same materials He had used to make Adam. Adam took one look at Eve and said, “Ah, flesh of my flesh! She will be called woman.” And as they consummated their relationship, they became one. They were married—no ceremony, no license; just God’s blessing. The physical act is what established the union of marriage. What does the Bible say in Genesis 2:24?

I think you know what “one flesh” means. Did you realize that in God’s eyes, sex equals marriage? Let’s take a look at another biblical couple. If you fast forward through the book of Genesis to chapter twenty-four, you will read the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was Abraham’s son, the fulfillment of God’s promise. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant returned to Canaan with Rebekah, Isaac was out in the field meditating. At the same time Isaac saw the servant approaching with the lovely Rebekah, Rebekah noticed him and made inquiries. When she discovered it was her husband to be, she covered herself with her veil (a sign of her virginity). Isaac made his way to the small group and was informed of all that had occurred. This maiden was to be his wife. What happened then? Did they have a time of courtship while planning a lavish wedding? No, because in that time period a ceremony did not constitute marriage. Genesis 24:67 tells us “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife.” That was it! When a man had sexual relations with a woman, he entered into a binding, covenant relationship that could not be undone. This is the union that makes us one. Sex is marriage.

Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.  Did men have the option of having casual sex with unmarried women?

Now read 2 Samuel 13:1-20.  This is the story of Tamar, a beautiful daughter of King David. Her half-brother, Amnon lusted after her to the point he thought it was love. What does Tamar say to Amnon in verse 16 after he has violated her?

Tamar knew that she would no longer be eligible for marriage. Her virginity had been defiled. She was a ruined woman. How does this compare to today’s view of a woman who has had sex before marriage?

How did we get to a point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex? If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.” Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

God’s plan for any type of physical intimacy includes guard rails to keep your life on the right path. The covenant relationship of marriage provides the protection you need. You have been entrusted with a treasure that once given away cannot easily be recovered. Your purity is priceless.

How will choosing purity impact my future?

If marriage is part of your future plans, then how you live right now determines how much intimacy you will have with your future husband. You are building the foundation right now. When you finally meet the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with, you will promise to love, cherish and honor one another until death do you part. This is a covenant relationship. Look up the word “covenant” in the dictionary.  Write the definition.

A covenant is a binding agreement.  It literally means “a coming together.” Think of it as super glue. If you glue paper together and let the adhesive dry, you have created one thick piece of paper. You cannot make it two again without causing damage to the individual pieces. The paper is ruined if you try to tear it apart. That word picture should help you to better understand what God had in mind when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

Can you join together with someone emotionally or physically and break away from that intimate relationship without being damaged? Explain your answer.

When two pieces of paper have been joined together, it is impossible to tear them apart without leaving small remnants of each piece behind on the other piece. When you make emotional and physical attachments, you cannot break off a relationship without leaving a part of you behind. How much of “you” do you want to offer to your husband? How much of your husband do you want him to offer you? Think about that question for a moment and then answer it honestly.

Those leftover pieces have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times.  They have a nasty habit of developing into full grown road blocks that obstruct the path which leads to intimacy in marriage.  Only you have the power to choose a lifestyle right now which will keep your course clear.

I realize that the society in which you live bombards you daily with hyper-sexualized images. The world’s standards are nonexistent when it comes to purity. “You only live once!” You have been taught to expect instant gratification. Why wait when you can have it all now? The “live in the moment” mindset dominates the decision making process of generations y and z.  However, you must realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your choices have consequences; and just because you cannot easily visualize the effects of the choices you make today, do not think for a moment that you have escaped them. Whether you pay now or later, you will pay.

What do you think some of the costs are of not choosing purity as a lifestyle?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage. The beauty of what God has in store is stolen. God created sex and the way He planned it is better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine. It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in the movies being released in record number that are aimed at teenage viewers. It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine. It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt. There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension. That is how God designed it. Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?

Do no buy into the terrible lies the world will feed you. Society’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned something that should be treasured and preserved into a form of self-indulgent entertainment. You will suffer great loss by believing the propaganda that is being hurled at you through music, movies, and social media. The relationship you long to have with the man to whom you will pledge your life is dependent upon the choices you make now. Choose wisely knowing that the foundation of your future is being laid right now.

Why Is Purity Important for My Present?

According to the Social Security Administration, the average life expectancy in 2014 for a 16 year old girl is 86.4 years (http://www.socialsecurity.gov/cgi-bin/longevity.cgi), which means you have lived only about one-sixth of your life. Adults are always instructing you how you should live your life with the future in mind, yet you have barely lived long enough to have a reference point for the present, let alone the future.  How can you be expected to plan for the rest of your life when you have so little life experience upon which you may draw? To top things off, teenagers today are dealing with far more than they did twenty to thirty years ago. Homework, stretching late into the evenings; athletics, requiring hours and hours of practice and games; music lessons, which require rehearsals; SAT prep classes; volunteering at church; and special interest clubs all compete for your time and attention.  No wonder you can’t envision the future! Your present is so full it has completely blinded you to what might happen a month from now, let alone ten years from now.  And all of this is accompanied by stress.  According to one report, the proportion of 15 to 16 year olds who report often feeling anxious or depressed has doubled in the last thirty years,     (http://www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/increased-levels-anxiety-and-depression-teenage-experience-changes-over-time). 

I get it. Much of what you are experiencing is due to your vantage point and the physiological changes which are occurring within your body. As you mature, your brain is being bombarded with hormones. These hormones can cause mood swings, sensitivity, anger, depression, and self-hatred.  There is a lot going on. Is it any wonder our young people are looking for instant gratification? Life is so complex, so demanding, that the temptation to escape the current environment and to feel the thrill of the moment is too overwhelming to resist. And yet when speaking to young people, the older generation still uses the same old arguments that they have been making for thirty plus years:  “Think of the future; someday you will be glad you made the choice to…. How will this impact your life? What are your long-term goals?”

I could sit here all day and tell you how keeping yourself pure is important for your future, but like I said, if you cannot imagine a future with you in it, I have not given you anything that is applicable to your life today; and therefore, my words are meaningless. So, why is purity important for your present? How will living a lifestyle of purity benefit you right now?

 Self-esteem

Making good choices—choosing purity—actually helps you feel better about yourself.   Foolish choices can doom you and produce self-hate.

Think about a time when you caved to peer pressure and did something in order to “fit in.” How did you feel afterwards? What happened to your sense of value?

Now, think about a time when you chose to do the right thing. How did you feel about yourself? Did you feel better about who you are?

Any girl who has lost her purity can testify to the fact that the first time she did something to compromise it, there was tremendous guilt and self-loathing. It may feel thrilling and exciting in the moment, but as soon as you are left alone to process what you have done, the shame sets in. It may be easy for a young lady to harden herself and pretend that her experience was amazing and beneficial, but deep down, she knows. Her confidence starts to wane. She starts to look to others to find her self-worth, only to discover that man will fail a person a thousand times over. She may appear to be on top of the world; but behind her smile there is a heart breaking into a million pieces—a life spiraling downward with no bottom in sight.

God’s Word indicates that He takes sex seriously. Peruse the books of Exodus and Deuteronomy and you will find laws concerning whom you may have sex with and when. This is not to be taken lightly. God knew we would pervert this wonderful gift that He had given to man during creation in the Garden of Eden. He also knew that by abusing His gift, we would not only corrupt our relationships with others, but we would also damage our relationship with God.

How can impurity damage your relationship with God?

Read Psalm 32:3-5. This Psalm was written by King David. We are not sure what the incident was that motivated him to write this psalm, but obviously, he was feeling tremendous guilt about some sin in his life. How did David feel before he acknowledged his sin to God?

Now page to the right a few pages and read Psalm 66:18?  What does this verse indicate about how sin affects our prayers?

Sin wracks us with guilt and stands in the way of our prayers. It harms our relationship with God. When our fellowship with God is impaired, our self-esteem plunges. Loving God is how we learn to love ourselves. Being in communion with Him is life-changing. God cannot be in the presence of sin. Habakkuk 1:13a states, “Your [God’s] eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong.” Choosing purity in a way is choosing God. And by choosing God, self-worth will follow.

Self-control

If you have been in church long enough, you have at some point in your life heard someone speak about the “fruit of the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the “fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Why is self-control so important in a person’s life and how can it benefit you right now? We have all heard the saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” But from where does this idea of waiting come and for what good things am I waiting?

Let’s look at a few Bible verses that deal with delayed gratification.  Read the following verses and for each, write down what you learn about waiting:

Lamentations 3:25: 

Psalm 27:14: 

Psalm 37:7: 

Micah 7:7: 

Isaiah 30:18: 

Isaiah 40:31: 

James 5:7: 

As a Christian, your whole life is lived waiting for death or Jesus’ advent so that you might live in heaven. We are waiting on God, waiting on blessings, waiting on heaven, waiting to be reunited with those whom we have lost, and waiting to be transformed into our heavenly bodies which will know no sorrow, sickness, or pain. If you cannot learn to be patient—to be self-controlled—then this life is going to be pretty miserable for you.

Song of Songs 2:7 instructs young ladies, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Even love is a waiting game, and perhaps the most important one you will play. By waiting to engage in physical intimacy right now you are learning self-control. You are learning to wait upon your Savior in a world where “waiting” has been turned into a four-letter word. Postponing passion gives you an edge. The discipline you will develop through waiting will give you an advantage in everything you do.

To Be Set apart

You are special. When you accepted Christ as your personal Savior, you became part of an amazing family with characteristics that are very similar to other members of God’s family. Christians should look like they are related—in their behavior, their speech, their entertainment choices, and their love. You should not look like the rest of the world because you do not belong to that family. You are royalty, and as such, certain expectations should be met, as in any royal family. You would never see the queen of England getting drunk and dancing on a table or appearing in public without being decently attired. Royalty shouldn’t behave as a commoner might. That is why it was such a scandalous affair when Prince Harry was photographed drunk and nude at a private party. Monarchs should never engage in such crude behavior. Guess what? As a member of God’s family, there are expectations of behavior for you, too.

Before you were adopted into God’s family, the highest price was paid for your membership. Read 1 Corinthians 6:18-20.  How does choosing purity—behaving differently from the rest of the world—honor God and demonstrate your love for Him?

Read Romans 12:2. What does it mean to you to not conform to the pattern of this world? How do we keep from behaving like the world?

We are to be different! We shouldn’t act like the world around us. Daily, we have to set it in our hearts to stand firm and be different. We are to be in the world—not of the world.

Now read Titus 2:11-14. What teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions? When are we to live godly lives?

God’s grace teaches us. His Spirit is inside every believer, teaching and guiding. Now is the time in which we are to live self-controlled and upright lives while we wait for Jesus to return for those He calls His very own.

Read 1 John 2:15-17. If you love the world, is the love of God in you? (please, understand that when these verses speak about loving the world, they are not referring to people in the world or the created world, but the world—or realm—of sin; we are not to love sin and the things associated with it) What will happen to this world?

As we have already discovered, God cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, if you want Jesus to be with you today, walking every step of the path with you, you must put away sinful desires.

This is not what the world teaches. The world’s philosophy is, if it feels right to you, then it must be good. Purity is not embraced by the world and taking a stand for it will feel very lonely and downright uncomfortable at times. However, 1 John 3:13 tells us, “Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you.” Like I said though, you shouldn’t look like the world. The world does not own you. You have been adopted into a royal family full of love and grace. You need to play the part. You are not a commoner, so do not let the world pull you down and sully your regal robes.  Stand firm with your head held high and know that because you are so very loved, you have been set apart.

My Book

Many people spend a lifetime searching for intimacy—intimacy with parents, with friends, and eventually with a spouse. Yet sometimes the road to intimacy is littered with debris from our past, and we find ourselves immobilized by our fears and failures. How do we escape the consequences of our unwise choices? How do we move into the future when our past has obstructed the way? Can spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy be restored to a marriage which seems on the verge of destruction?

These were the questions I found myself asking seven years ago. My marriage was on the verge of destruction, when I found myself on my knees pleading with God to reveal the answers to me. I didn’t realize that the journey would begin with me as God began to expose my shortcomings. Ever so slowly, God took my hand in His as He guided me on a journey that led to complete intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical.

This book was written as a study guide for women who find themselves in a battle as they try to build or discover intimacy in marriage. It answers the questions which God answered for me.  It is God’s desire to breathe new life into your marriage.  Change is never easy, especially when it begins within. However, with God leading the way, you will break free from your fears and move into His glorious light.  You will be rewarded with what every married couple has desired at some point during their lives—to be more personally connected with their spouses—one of the most important relationships they will ever have.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413718031&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Marriage Takes Work

“I won’t have any problems in my marriage,” my 19 year old informs me.  I try not to laugh, but his statement is so naïve—so ludicrous—that I can’t control the chuckle that escapes me.

“Every marriage has problems.  It’s the nature of the beast.  It is impossible to bring two people together from completely different backgrounds with different life experiences, different temperaments—not to mention the difficulties that arise from just being different genders—and try to live as one. In fact, it is nearly impossible. “

“Well, you and Dad seemed to make it work.”

“Only because we never wanted a divorce at the same time.” 

And that is the reality of marriage.  Matrimony can be messy. It takes work and dedication. It takes perseverance. It takes humility. But most importantly, it takes faith.  Marriage is the most difficult and the most rewarding relationship you will ever be in. However, it doesn’t just “happen.” Like any living thing, it needs to be nourished and nurtured. Without those elements, it will die.

Many people look upon my marriage and imagine that Woody and I have it all figured out.  We get along so well and we never complain. Heck, I wrote a book about intimacy, so I must have it all figured out, right? Wrong. Marriage never survives on cruise control. In fact, it will crash and burn with devastating results. Every day, we must dedicate our lives to living inside of God’s will for our union; and every day, we must both commit ourselves to the demanding role of “spouse.”

If you are looking for the fairy tale ending, marriage will disappoint. If you are disillusioned enough to believe that marriage can be trouble free, think again. Anyone who tells you he or she has an effortless marriage is lying. Marriage takes determination, but through the struggle comes satisfaction and great reward.

The Subject of My Next Book

I was ready.  Somehow I had managed to become the proud owner of the book, A Year of Health and Beauty by Beverly and Vidal Sassoon.  Within the pages of that book lay the secret to my future success. I would become fit and fabulous. I dedicated myself to the regiment detailed within the pages and knew that within a year’s time, I would be the most popular girl at Burrton High School.  My dishwater blonde hair and braces would vanish and instead I would have golden blond tresses and pearly white teeth radiating from a smiling face full of health and beauty.

It didn’t work. After about six months of self-discipline, exercise, and skipping the Dr. Pepper, I realized that my 98 pound frame which seemed to have an aversion to puberty would never develop into the full bodied beauty which I could clearly see in my mind’s eye.  I was hopeless.  As if to validate the very low opinion I had of my 15 year old self, I was ridiculed mercilessly by classmates and felt invisible to my parents.  I would never be the “it” girl, surrounded by adoring peers hanging onto my every word. No one would ever ask me for my telephone number. “How many times do you have to run through the shower before you get wet?” a male student queried one day. I was the ugly one, the butt of every joke, the girl from the poor family living in the run down trailer. Not even Beverly and Vidal Sassoon could make a beauty out of me.

All my adolescent self wanted was to be loved and accepted, a feeling which I truly believe every young lady desires. I will investigate those feelings in my next book, and I believe I have the beauty secret the Sassoons were missing.  I am excited for the opportunity to share it with you.

So, here we go again down another road on a different sort of journey.

A Letter to Teen Girls Concerning Intimacy

Dear Beautiful Young Lady,

Developing an exclusive relationship with someone before you are spiritually, emotionally, and financially prepared to commit to marriage is morally wrong. The Bible is very clear that love must be sincere.  Strong emotional attachments lead to physical intimacy which is never condoned by God before marriage. I have seen too many young couples  who have become emotionally intimate struggle to keep from becoming physically intimate, a temptation that never would have been an issue had they remained friends. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, teens who are dating exclusively are more likely to have sex earlier than teens who do not.  

Every time a young person becomes emotionally intimate with another person, she is giving satan ammunition to use against her later in life once she is married and enduring the very real and normal struggles that come from being married. Satan will bring that person from the past into the present and start asking, “What if…?” questions. Every attachment provides more ammunition. Every attachment starts to wear away at the guard rails God put into place to protect the emotional intimacy in a marriage.  Every time you give your heart away, you give away a part of you that you can never get back. You are stealing all those “firsts” from your future spouse—first love, first hug, first spark, first kiss.  Developing romantic love and loyalty with a young man is like living out one of the privileges of marriage without the responsibility of being married. It also tends to quickly move a relationship toward physical intimacy. Also, shouldn’t that exclusive emotional attachment be reserved for your future husband?

I am saying all of this because I ask and I pray that you consider the risks of emotional attachments that may or may not lead to marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart as you develop any relationship. Make friendship the goal, not romance. Think of your future spouse at all times and whether or not you will feel completely comfortable in the future revealing every aspect of your relationship with him. He should never feel as if he has lost a part of you to another man. Your heart belongs wholly to him.

I do apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. That is not my intent. My goal is to ensure that you go into your marriage someday completely pure emotionally and physically.  You are building the foundation for intimacy in your marriage right now. Let that foundation be built on the Rock, by living out the principles He has placed within His word to allow you success.

Blessings,

Kim

Love, Honor, and Cherish?

I have a confession to make.  I have not kept my wedding vows.  I promised to “love, honor, and cherish” my husband until “death do us part,” and I barely made it through our first week of marriage before I broke at least one of those promises.

Love—honor—cherish.  Are they meaningless words echoed while gazing into the eyes of your future spouse while dreaming of the reception and honeymoon?  Or are they words that fall from your tongue while your families and friends witness the exchange of vows—vows which many of us never contemplate even once after the ceremony is over?  What do these three little transitive verbs mean?  I mean, most of us realize what it is to love; but what about to honor and to cherish?

To honor someone is to respect, to revere, and to treat him with deference.  It is to treat him with the highest regard in words and actions.  To cherish someone is very similar.  To cherish my husband, I need to treat him in an encouraging manner by protecting, aiding, and attending.  Even my mind should harbor thoughts which hold him dear and embrace him with affection. 

Proverbs 31:11-12 states, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm, all the days of her life.”  That is honor.  You will notice, these verses do not stipulate to bring him good only if he brings you good first.  This is a formidable imperative.  Am I the only one who finds it daunting?  I don’t want to honor Woody on those days when I feel as if he is being obnoxious and overbearing.  And what is this with him always thinking he has to be right?  I hate having to swallow my pride in order to make peace. 

So how do we go about keeping our vows? By going to the source of love.  God is love!  When I consider how He has given me excellence when I deserved death, then swallowing my pride in order to bring about peace becomes simple.  And just as Proverbs reveals, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”  Once I have replenished my supply, loving, honoring, and cherishing Woody is effortless.

Love, honor, and cherish—if you are struggling to keep these vows, meditate upon what the words mean.  Identify the areas in your life where you are not putting the words into action and then go to the source of all love and wisdom, and soon keeping  your wedding vows will become effortless.

What Does God Have To Do With Intimacy, Part 2

Read Genesis 2:8-25.  In verse 18 what does God say is not good for man?

God immediately recognized Adam’s need for companionship—that it was not good for man to be alone.  God had brought all of the animals to Adam, but Adam had not been able to find a companion comparable to him.

Take another look at Genesis 2:23.  What does Adam recognize immediately concerning his relationship with the woman?  He immediately realized that Eve was a part of him, the intimate connection was made.   What does it mean to you to become “one flesh?”

There is an intimacy in becoming “one flesh” that we have lost sight of in today’s society.  Since the “sexual revolution” we no longer understand the tender familiarity that should take place between a husband and a wife when they become “one flesh.”  It should be a sweet mystery to be discovered within the protective bonds of a marriage.

Verse twenty-five reads, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”  I love that visual!  To stand before each other, completely exposed, vulnerable in every sense and to experience no shame, no threat of wrongdoing by the other, to completely trust!  Have you ever stood in front of your husband completely naked, literally and figuratively?  If you have never been able to stand before your husband utterly defenseless in your nakedness, what has prevented you from doing so?

Marriage was created on the sixth day in the Garden of Eden.  God’s plan was for a man and a woman to become one and in doing so, stand unashamed before Him and each other entirely stripped of all pretenses, trusting, loving, and knowing.  We can’t genuinely know another until we have stood before him without any barriers blocking our view.

In Genesis 24:62-66 we can read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Rebekah was an answer to prayer.  She went willingly with Abraham’s servant away from all that she loved and knew to marry a man whom she had never met.  All she truly knew was that he was a man of God.  In this passage we are invited to take a glimpse into that first meeting.  We see Rebekah climbing down from her camel and covering herself.  You can almost picture Isaac taking her in, realizing God’s choice for his life.  And then verse 66 says it all, “he married Rebekah…and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”  She was his comfort, his love, his answer to prayer.  He took her into his tent without any shame, without any deception.  They became one flesh and completely understood what it meant to be in a covenant, intimate relationship with a spouse. 

Again, we see God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage.  We should be comforted and loved.  Exposed and trusting.  These two passages do not even begin to encompass all that God has planned for us as His children.  How excited I was to discover God’s purpose for my marriage!  He has the same plans for you and your marriage.  Think on that for a moment…God wants you to find love, trust, and comfort.  Do you trust God to fulfill His intentions for your marriage?  If not, ask Him now to give you the faith to know He is a God of purpose and promise.

“Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love.  Thank you for planning my life and letting the union with my spouse be a part of Your plan.  Help me to trust Your goals for my marriage.  Let me feel Your loving presence within my home, constantly holding me up and reassuring me.  In Jesus’ holy name I pray.   Amen”   

What Does God Have to Do with Intimacy? Part 1

It is hard to understand what our relationships with others are to look like until we have a personal relationship with our creator God.   Until we have crawled into His loving presence and have experienced His grace, we cannot fully comprehend what it means to completely trust without fear of rejection.  Until we have experienced His unconditional love, it is virtually impossible to understand true intimacy.  Unfortunately, this all-consuming knowledge of God did not happen until after I was married.

To say my relationship with Woody suffered much during the first several years of our marriage is an understatement.  I was a brand new, recommitted Christian, and my husband was somewhat Gnostic.  He believed in a God; he just wasn’t sure how personal or real that “God” should be.  To complicate matters, we had had a child before our nuptials.  To start off a marriage with a child and unequally yoked had definitely not been God’s plan.  

During my first year of marriage, I began to feel God’s loving presence as He wooed me back into a committed relationship with Him.  I fell “head over heels” in love with our wonderful Creator and everything in my life took on a new appearance.  God transformed my ideas as to the type of wife and mother I should be.  The journey, nonetheless, would prove to be difficult and full of obstacles, the biggest obstacle being my pride.

I praise God that during this time Woody was patient and stayed the course.  The new Christian I had become was judgmental, stubborn, and self-righteous.  Woody’s every action came under my scrutinizing gaze.  If he did anything that I deemed “un-Christ-like,” I was the first to notify him of it.  Our relationship did not grow closer as it should have.  My faith had put a wedge between us.  God slowly changed my heart, and as I matured I saw my sin of pride for what it was.  My stubbornness became submission; my judgmental, self-righteousness became humility.  I learned to bite my tongue and let God deal with Woody’s heart.  Regrettably, the damage had been done in my relationship with him.  We had become so emotionally distant that I didn’t know how to traverse the expanse that separated us.

It was during this time that I came to the realization that intimacy has absolutely nothing to do with sex and everything to do with a spiritual connection.  God has everything to do with intimacy.  He created you to have an intimate relationship with your spouse.  Somehow during the course of history, we have skewed the definition of intimacy that God has planned for His children.  The first step in regaining that closeness is understanding God’s plan for marriage and how God is intricately involved in our relationships.  Only then can we achieve intimacy with another person.

Sex Is Hateful

So many people young and old choose to have sex outside of marriage. We are a nation where freedom to choose is flaunted as the distinguishing factor that separates us from inferior cultures.  We may choose to engage in any activity—within the boundaries of the law—even if it is dangerous and destructive. During the sexual revolution we were “liberated” from Judeo-Christian standards which taught that sex outside of marriage was a “sin.” Now we live in a modern society where each man may adopt whatever moral standard he chooses, which means “sin” is an antiquated idea spoken by religious fanatics.  So, the choice to have pre- or extra-marital sex should not come as a surprise to anyone nor should it be spoken against.  However, that is exactly what I intend to do.

Sex is hateful.  It is a physical activity devoid of emotion or commitment. It is about self-gratification, full of lust and devoid of love.  It is a passionate act in which self-control has been disregarded or never existed.  It thinks only of the moment and never of the consequences.  Sex was never part of God’s design.  However, intimacy was and is.  By God’s design, physical intimacy was meant to bind two people together for life as one unit. The act itself was the covenant which made man and woman husband and wife. Making love was and is supposed to be just that—an extension and expression of a married couple’s love.   So why are we short-changing our lives and settling for sex?

Girls, the only way to ensure that sex is not merely a physical act—that it truly is love making—is to wait until he promises not only to have you but to also hold you through sickness and health, through the valleys as well as the mountain top experiences. If he really loves you, he will want to wait and completely commit.  Look at King David’s daughter, Tamar, in 2 Samuel 13.  If you read the story, you will learn that Amnon desired Tamar.  Amnon had sex with Tamar and then threw her away, wasted goods. He stole her youth, beauty, and innocence.  There was nothing left for Tamar to give. Amnon had taken the most valuable thing from her.  Yet, he had sworn he was “in love” and would die without her. However, as soon as he had taken her, he hated her as much as he had claimed to love her. Sex without the sacrifice of commitment is cruel and hateful.

Lust is not love.  It will fade. True love waits and is unwavering.  Why would someone ask you to wait for marriage but yet not expect to wait for physical intimacy? How is that love?  True love commits.  So, what will you choose, a moment of physical pleasure or a lifetime of committed love? 

Joy Is a Choice

You are on a journey leading down a pathway strewn with boulders and loose gravel.  With every step, there is the possibility that you will end up face down in the dirt, nursing your wounds.  Yet you do not have to make your way through the pitfalls alone.  You can choose to accept or reject the assistance made available to all of us.  However, when you reject the loving hand reaching out to catch your fall, do not complain to Him when you are lying in the sand covered in your filth and shame.  You made a choice.

No one is free from suffering.  We all hurt.  We all bleed.  We all cry.  The choice comes in how you deal with disappointment.  If you choose to focus on the negative, your life will be full of negativity.   Joy is a choice.  I chose to accept the joy offered to me when I repented of my sins and became a Christ follower.  I still have to choose that joy on a daily basis.  It requires focus and faith.  Why do you assume that affliction is particular to you?  It is not!  “Oh, but I can’t choose to be happy!  I can’t remember the good!  Too much pain stands in my way!” You moan and whine, convinced that your miserable life is quite unlike any other.  However, have you suffered to the point of death?  Most likely, you have not or you would not be able to wail so heartily.   You have closed your eyes to the light which wants to flood your soul and remove your agony and grief.

I have as much right as anyone to bemoan my life.  I could focus on being thrown up against a wall when I was six years old by an intoxicated relative and punched in the face.  This was only the first of many abusive encounters.  I could focus on being repeatedly raped from the time I was eight years old until I was ten by a close family friend.  I could focus on being neglected and unloved by those who were placed on this earth to shelter and love me.  But I won’t!  I can’t!  I have been set free.  I have been saved!  There is a life time of joy in just that incident alone.  But if the source ever runs dry, I have been blessed beyond measure since that day.  Is my life perfect?  Far from it!  I have three teenagers, after all, and an unemployed husband.  Yet, I am blessed.  I have made the choice to accept the hand, to lay down my burdens, and to focus on the One who saved me.  

Perhaps, it is time that you do the same.

Saying Goodbye...

My first memories of Pat bring warmth and comfort. I remember visiting her with my dad as a very small child and her kind words accompanied by a smile brought comfort to a very shy little girl. I remember loving her baby boy who would eventually become my brother, as if he were my own. It was easy to discover love in a home where I felt welcomed and appreciated.

Although my relationship with the woman who would become my step-mother grew strained as I hit my teen years, I know much of the fault was mine. I was difficult to love; yet Pat continued to welcome me into her home and continued to profess her love for me. As I matured into a woman, I appreciated Pat much more than I had as a child. I loved the happiness and care she gave to my father. I will never forget how my dad looked at her and spoke to her, especially as he was dying. One moment in particular stands out to me; it was an opportunity that let me witness a demonstration of their unique bond. Pat leaned over my dad’s hospital bed, and with her face inches above his, she gently wiped away a strand of hair from his forehead and softly declared her love for him—a man I knew from all of our lengthy conversations, she had loved since she was 16 years old.  Although their journey back to each other was not without a few bumps and bruises, they had an extraordinary bond, and for that I will always be extremely thankful.

I know I will forever hold fond memories of the stories Pat told me about her youth. I enjoyed being transported back in time by her vivid descriptions. I could almost feel the wind racing through my hair as she bolted around a barrel on the back of her trusty steed. I felt the pain and wanting of her injury from a horse fall that left her body broken. Her stories never ceased to entertain, and through them I learned to love her more.

And who can forget Pat’s love for animals? She always knew I was the person to call with a sympathetic ear when she had rescued yet another stray. We shared a desire to protect the unprotected—God’s weakest, unlovable creatures. In fact, it was the rescue of abandoned kittens shortly after our dad’s death that brought her some joy and purpose. We united over more than one wandering animal which would find its life blessed by Pat’s loving care.

I could share countless memories, impart words of wisdom I received, and continue to dole out demonstrations of affection for a woman who has shared much of the journey of my life with me. However, I know we do not have the time. So the words I wish to express now I give perhaps as a warning.  Life is too short to let the business of our days get in the way of speaking the words we need to say.  You never know when that phone call may come. Our days are numbered before they begin and every day should count for the edification of others. I was given the chance by God’s grace to make the phone call and speak all of the words I wished Pat to hear before she left this earth. But we do not always receive such a chance.  Choose today to make that phone call. Do not assume that tomorrow will come and you may express your love then. The moment is now.

When I asked my children to share their memories of Grandma Thompson, I found that although they could not name a specific time or place, they all could describe the way they felt whenever they visited Grandma and Grandpa Thompson. It was a feeling of love and acceptance. Grandma’s graciousness always ready to give them soda and cookies (like all over indulgent grandparents). If I protested, Pat would look at me and firmly state, “Oh, Kim, a little bit won’t hurt them,” as she would relinquish yet another cookie or piece of candy. Indulgent…loving…protecting.  I quickly realized how similar my children’s memories were to mine. The grandma they knew was the same woman I remember from the time I was a toddler, and I imagine the smiles they were so familiar with were the same smiles that grace my memories. The warmth and comfort that brought me out of my shell are the same feelings which they will treasure in their hearts as they recall their Grandma and Grandpa Thompson.

Thank you, Pat. I know I didn’t make it easy and I am so glad I grew to know and love you. You will be missed more than you could ever imagine.

One of my favorite Bible stories has always been when Jesus raised his friend Lazarus from the dead. It’s a great story, but it has always left me with more questions than answers. Why did Jesus wait until after Lazarus had been dead for four days? Why did He wait to travel to Bethany? If he really loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, why didn’t he drop everything and go when they sounded the alarm? I mean, this literally was a life and death situation.

Many Jews during the first century believed that the soul remained close to the body for three days and could return to the body within that time period. When Jesus showed up on the scene, all hope was plainly gone. Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days! Surely, God had waited too long. Yet, Jesus’ timing was perfect. You see, He doesn’t panic when He sees our predicament. He waits for the proper time so that His power might be revealed to a world which has chosen not to acknowledge Him.

We look at our circumstances and think, “All hope is gone! The fourth day has passed.  Perhaps yesterday, life could have been restored to this situation but not now. In fact, let’s just bury it and try to hide the stench.” However, God in His perfect timing arrives and says, “All is not lost. Life will be restored. Take away the stone!” And we stand on the side lines with our mouths gaping in utter disbelief not knowing what might come walking out of the tomb.

Jesus still works miracles in His timing for the glory of God. When marriages are restored that have been on the brink of destruction, to God be the glory! When employment comes right before financial ruin, to God be the glory! When the world sees hopeless situations turned around through the power of God and lives are transformed, then once again, to God be the glory!

What situations in your life do you believe the fourth day has come and there is no hope for healing? Where have you given up because you believe it is too late? Remember, Jesus stands outside the tomb declaring, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?”

John 11:1-44

Pastor Kevin Myers of 12Stone church just co-authored a book with John Maxwell titled,  Home Run.  In the book, life is compared to a baseball diamond.  One must run to first base before he continues on to second, third, and then home.  Although we may laugh in little league to see the batter run to third base first, Kevin points out that beyond little league, it is no longer humorous.  However, in life that is exactly what we have done—we continue to run the bases backwards and wonder why we are left feeling empty and depressed by time we reach home plate.

While listening to Pastor Kevin Myers’ analogy this past Sunday, I realized that the same thing has been done when it comes to intimacy.  We have run the bases backwards.  In today’s society a couple is almost encouraged to become physically intimate upon the first date.  Sex is crammed down our throats through every venue possible—movies, television programming, commercials, magazines, music, books, etc.  The list is exhaustive!  The expectation is that a couple should have sex before marriage.  Third base has become first.

Once a couple has had sex, then they work on developing a friendship.  Yet, these friendships are superficial; there is no authenticity.  Even so, the couple—usually one party more than the other—will cling to this relationship because they know deep down that sex is an act of the utmost intimacy.  They desperately want to cultivate a committed friendship which will eventually lead to marriage.  Second base is challenging to reach.

If the couple ends up surviving this second step of the game, many times they do marry and, like in my case, after the marriage many discover God and forge a relationship with Him.  Then the task of developing spiritual intimacy begins.  After building on the physical as the foundation for the relationship, this is the most difficult step.  It requires complete disclosure.  All the masks must come off, and many times, we do not like what is revealed.  We realize we married someone we never would have chosen had we been in relationship with God at the time.  First base is nearly impossible.

If we would just run the bases as God designed, the game would go according to plan and reaching the next base would be the most natural progression.  When will we realize we cannot continue to run the bases backwards?  We cannot build intimacy with a physical bond as the adhesive.  It will never be strong enough to hold together the relationship when the storms of life come crashing through our doors.  Intimacy must be built with God as the foundation.  After that, the friendship follows, then the love making.  And what is home plate?  Fulfilling, delightful intimacy!

Fifteen years of blood, sweat, and tears reduced to a box of memories.  Woody gave his best over and over again, leading the country in sales time and time again.  Vacation after vacation he carried work with him in his back pocket, ready to pull it out in a moment’s notice and make himself available to his employees.  Dedicated, hard-working, relentless were all adjectives used to describe Woody as he exceeded expectations upon every review.  And now all the awards along with framed photos of our family sit in a box upon his desk collecting dust.

Yet, we are hopeful, almost excited, as God begins a new chapter in our lives.  How can we look ahead with joy in the midst of mayhem?  Because we serve a God greater than our circumstances!  We are not fearful nor do we grow faint.  Don’t get me wrong; we know there will be suffering and doubt along the way.  However, we also know that growing sometimes involves pain.  We are looking well into the future—maybe even beyond our time here on this planet—to our final destination.  Nothing can disappoint us or dim the beauty of what we have yet to experience.

“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”  Romans 5:5 

Shocked, mortified, bewildered doesn't even begin to encompass all I am feeling right now.  And I didn't even take a direct hit.  My husband absorbed the impact of the news we received this morning.  His ego, any shred of confidence he had, has been blown to bits.  He is the type of man who takes his responsibility as a husband and father quite seriously.  He will protect and provide, but at this moment I know he is questioning how he will continue to do so.

What is my role?  What do I say?  I am just as blown away as he is.  I am on my knees begging for answers and the silence is deafening.  However, my faith is not shaken.  I am looking into the future expectantly, wondering what God will do.  How will we grow from this?  What will we gain?  Those are the questions running through my mind searching for a place to settle.  As shocked as we were by the news we received, God was not.  He has a game plan ready to be played.  We need merely to keep our eyes focused on the way which He has prepared for us.

It doesn't mean the pain is any less searing, nor does it mean we will not doubt the way; yet I know without a doubt we will come out ahead.  God always has a better plan.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Life Is Exhausting!

Life is exhausting!  If being a wife were not enough to zap the wind from my sails, being a mother is.  I feel like I’m in a row boat on the high seas during a hurricane.  Paddling keeps me afloat and that’s about it.  I am pretty sure “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” did not cover what to expect for the next 18 years while your little bundle of joy grows into a hormonal teenager with an opinion to boot.  Nor did it cover how to keep the romance alive while teenagers roam the house and grow suspicious of any time their parents’ spend alone in the bedroom.  The exclamations of, “That’s gross!” and knocks on the bedroom door really do nothing to add to the ambiance.  I am quite sure that the reason no one has written an in depth book describing what it is like to raise a child from infancy to adulthood, is because if she did, we would fail to "be fruitful and multiply."

Yet, we trudge through the days, some bringing tears while others bring triumph.  We laugh, we cry, and we continue on.  And soon, our oldest child will be off to college and we will be left redecorating his room and trying to fill the void he leaves behind.  We will find more time as a couple to talk about us rather than our children. 

We spent ten to fifteen years in a daze as we developed our children’s character, molded their futures, and helped them develop their passions.  We gave them faith in God and a source for truth.  Occasionally, we would glance to our sides and notice each other there in the dark.  We never thought the light at the end of the tunnel was just that; no, we were certain it was the locomotive that trampled us over every night, leaving fatigued and fighting individuals in the morning.  Now we can clearly see that it was just what so many who had traversed the way before us said it was, hope.

Yes, life is exhausting, but we only have one opportunity to do it right.  In the end we will be rewarded by well-adjusted children who, by the way, will end up traveling down the same road someday.  And I for one can hardly wait to see karma work its way through the next generation.