The Balance of Life

From March 25, 2012

Life hangs in such a fragile balance, ready to tip in either direction at any time. God taught me that last April. He gave me a whole new understanding of His compassion and mercy. He taught me that every breath that we will ever breathe is His. He alone holds our lives—and the capacity at which we live that life—in His hands. I own nothing; I know that more clearly today than I have ever known it.

We had been standing on our new neighbor’s front steps introducing ourselves to their family when all of a sudden I heard something unusual and turned to see my then 14 year old son fall backwards down the stone steps that just moments before he had been standing on. He landed with his head on the concrete sidewalk and his body contorted and stiff. His eyes were rolled back in his head and he was completely oblivious to the world around him. As I rushed to his side the thought that was rushing through my mind was, “He must have hit hard enough to cause head trauma!” And then after looking at the position of his body, I had to ask myself, “Did he break his neck?”

“Hunter!” I shouted his name over and over to no response. His arms were bent and stiff, not a normal position for someone that had merely fainted. For the longest five to ten seconds of my life he was unresponsive. When he regained consciousness, he was disoriented and without memory of anything that had happened prior to the fall. The neighbors helped me walk him slowly to our house where we continued to assess his condition. He could not remember even items that we knew should have been stored in long-term memory. Since he had hit his head, we worried about head trauma even though there was no external sign of injury. After about an hour of observing his confused state, we made the decision to take him to the emergency room.

By the time we arrived at the hospital, Hunter’s condition had improved; and by the time the doctor examined him, all of his memory, except for the hour prior to his fall, had returned. They performed every test imaginable on him—complete blood work up, CAT, EEG, blood pressure, UA, etc. Everything came back within normal ranges. They sent us home as puzzled as we were as to what had occurred.

I walked out of that hospital with a sense of complete amazement. As the images of Hunter’s fall played over and over in my mind, the one thing I realized was God’s protection had placed Hunter gently at the base of those stone steps. God’s hand had held Hunter’s head as he landed on the concrete sidewalk and prevented him from serious injury. Things could have been so much different. The impact of the fall could have easily caused him to break his neck or could have caused serious head trauma. Neither had taken place.

As I woke the following morning I realized that I could have been waking up to completely different results. I realized how precious life is and how little control I have over it. I realized, too, that my children were not mine, but a gift from God. As I went through my devotion that morning, three words came to mind—compassion, understanding, and tolerance. Carefully, I went through the Bible searching for verses that speak of God’s compassion. The Old Testament and the New Testament are full of statements exclaiming God’s mercy and compassion for those who love Him. I was overwhelmed as I realized that what I had received the previous night was just that—God’s compassion, understanding, and tolerance. He has tolerated my sin, He has understood my fallen nature, and when I was in pain, fearful for my dear son’s health, He had demonstrated compassion beyond comprehension. I am so undeserving of such amazing love!

We have since learned through follow-up testing (a couple days later, they called to inform us that the radiologist had found something on the CAT, that required further testing) that Hunter has a seizure disorder and a venous malformation in the left parietal lobe of his brain. We made the prayerful decision not to medicate him in spite of his neurologist’s recommendations, and he has been seizure free since that fateful day in April, another sign of God’s endless mercy.

I praise God for what I was given that night—a deeper sense of whom God really is, a deeper sense of what it means to be shown compassion. He felt my pain and knew my fear and responded with loving kindness. And even though the scales seem to be tipped in our favor for now, I know how quickly that can change; but I also know that God is holding every breath of our lives in His very capable, loving hands.

Fragile Strength

I love trail running, especially in the first hours of daylight when the rays of the sun cast long shadows on the earth and dappled sunlight dances on the trail. The morning is peaceful as the birds wake the woods with their bright, cheery songs.  “Time to wake up!” they seem to say.  I love the sound of my feet hitting the trail, crunching through dead leaves.  And then… I’m covered in a sinewy web that some poor, unsuspecting spider built from one side of the path to the other in an attempt to catch its morning meal; instead, it caught me, and as I wipe away the silky threads covering my face and arms, I am praying that I don’t have a small hitchhiker to finish up my morning run.

I am now more aware of my surroundings.  I would really like to steer clear of future spider webs.  I notice the sun glistening on several just off the path.  They look like threads of silver strung with tiny diamonds.  And in the middle of each web, a small, orange spider sits waiting for its prey.  As I finish my run, I am amazed at how many webs I see scattered through the woods.  They are countless. 

I can’t help but contemplate the work of these orb spiders and each fragile trap that has been meticulously built in order to survive.  Web building spiders have to rely on these silky, sticky threads for life.  Without a web, the spider cannot eat.  They cannot see well, but they feel the slightest vibration and can interpret it through the movement of the radii.  The web that I destroyed within seconds had been built during the night, when most web building occurs.  Most spiders must rebuild their webs nightly, and as they do, they may eat the remnant of the old web, recycling the silk.  If nothing else, spiders are diligent.  Everyday their webs are destroyed by animals or wind (or errant runners), and yet every night they rebuild.  They have to.  Without such diligence, they would die.

A spider web is designed in such a way that when one strand is broken, the web is actually strengthened. The web is constructed so that the spider will only need to do minor repairs. Winds will blow and small branches will break. The spider has a built in defense mechanism of sorts in order to cope with such issues. They are equipped to handle minor snags.

Marriage is very much like a spider’s web.  It is beautiful and fragile; it requires diligence and sacrifice. Strength has to be built into the very fiber of a union because trials will come; and when they do, strands will be broken. However, if the marriage has been correctly constructed, those troubles will strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.  Our words and actions must be guarded. Within moments, errant words spoken in anger can destroy the magnificent threads that have been intricately spun together. The very thing created to sustain life becomes a tangle of tacky threads clinging to branches while the wind whisks away the remnants of the life you have knit together.

Every day work, family, and finances run through the paths of your life, fighting for attention—attempting to destroy what you have built. And every night, the work of rebuilding what has been lost must be done.  Without the web that has joined you together, the marriage will starve and eventually die due to malnourishment. You must diligently build together what the world destroys daily.

We can learn a great deal from nature and the fragile strength of the spider’s web. Take time to rebuild what is destroyed daily. Be diligent. The life of your marriage depends on the web you weave.

El Simchat Gili

El Simchat Gili—God of my exceeding joy

Yet I am feeling broken, beat down, and barely happy.

I am exhausted!

I do not remember what it is to feel exceedingly joyful,

Although I am thankful.

You are a generous, merciful God;

And I have been the recipient of Your grace one too many times

To take Your kindness for granted.

But joyful?

Not today.

Not yesterday.

Not even the day before that. So I set You before me

And hope for tomorrow.

Perhaps then.

Or maybe it will remain obscure to me

Until our family is once again living in the same city.

Possibly, I just need one good night of sleep.

I do not know what will bring exceeding joy back into my grasp,

But I do know that You are the source of my hope

And my happiness.
You are always near

No matter how distant joy may seem at this moment.
I will delight in You
And continue searching.

El Simchat Gili—God of my exceeding joy

Encourage More

Driving home this morning, I found myself behind a rather grimy semi. On the back of the trailer, someone had written in the dirt, “Encourage more.”  “What a lovely thought,” I said to myself; but then I started thinking about it. When was the last time I encouraged someone? Whom did I encourage? I wasn’t quite as fond of my answers as I thought I would be. I realized that the majority of the encouragement I provide is given to those who are not within my own family. Next on the list are my children. And who is last? Woody, the man to whom I vowed to cherish and honor. The person who should be first.

I know how hard it is sometimes to say something kind and inspiring to your spouse. Usually, when you do find time during the day to exchange ideas, your conversation is full of details—kids’ schedules, work, meal plans, bills, and a thousand other particulars. We are so preoccupied with keeping everything running smoothly that we fail to see that disregarding the most important detail—your spouse—can derail the whole train.  How hard is it to squeeze in a few words of encouragement along with all the information that a couple must share during the course of a day?

“I love the way you provide for our family. You are so helpful. You are such an honorable man. Thank you for being a godly example for our children.” These are only a few phrases that might encourage your partner in life and love. Make a list of positive phrases you might say to your spouse; and the next time you speak, throw one in. I have made my list and am ready to use it. 

Encourage more.  And to think that a dirty semi could teach me a life lesson.

A Sun and Shield

The Christmas decorations are stored safely away, with a little extra padding this year in anticipation of our upcoming move. My mother and father-in-law, who have been with us since before Christmas, have the car packed up with their sweet dog, Darby, and will be heading back to the Midwest within the hour. And that is when the grueling work begins as I begin organizing closets and cleaning baseboards in preparation of listing our house by February 1.

Although my life feels completely chaotic, I keep sitting in one verse that comforts me with its promises: "The LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." Psalm 84:11. Every time I meditate upon that verse, I am reminded of what we receive from the sun--light in the darkness, warmth in the cold, energy and sustenance. Without the sun, life on earth would cease to exist. Doctors and nutritionists recommend that a person spend at least 15 minutes a day in the sun for vitamin D production. That is what our God provides, light, warmth, energy, sustenance, life! And all I have to do is spend a little time with him daily and absorb His radiant heat. He is my shield. He will protect me! And He will not withhold His goodness from me. Resting in this verse has provided more comfort than I can explain. Although it feels as if I am drowning in a sea of unknowns, I am being held tightly in loving arms that will never let me go.

I know that in the coming months my faith will falter, my resolve will fail; however, my God will never disappoint. He will hold me continually, even when panic sets in and I begin to flail. My sun will light the way, warm my heart, and provide the power needed to survive and thrive through another day.

Self-Destructing, Part 1

During the 1990s and into the start of the second millennium, Mel Gibson was a household name and a guaranteed box office draw. Even though he had had a history of alcoholism, Gibson seemed to have overcome his addiction through his faith in Christ. In 2004, his biggest film to date was released, “The Passion of Christ.” This film was co-written, co-produced, and directed by Gibson and was the highest grossing R-rated film in the U.S., earning over $370 million. Gibson stated in more than one interview that the reason he brought the execution of Christ to theaters was because during his recovery from alcoholism and depression, he had focused on the passion of Christ to find healing and hope. We collectively held our breaths to see what great thing this man (who seemed to love God) might do next.

And then the shoe dropped. In 2006, Gibson was arrested on DUI charges and spewed expletives and anti-Semitic remarks at the arresting officer. In 2009, photos were released of Gibson and a well-known female pianist who was not his wife caressing on a beach. This was shortly followed by his wife filing for a divorce and winning an estimated $425 million in a very expensive settlement. Things seemed to go from bad to worse, as his girlfriend gave birth to a child and charged him with domestic assault and filed a restraining order against Gibson. He has been disgraced in the media and rejected by Hollywood; and I, for one, am wondering, “What happened?” How does someone who seemed to be on fire for God, who was a significant player in creating such an incredibly moving movie such as “The Passion of Christ” completely self-destruct?

Asa became king of Judah upon the death of his father in 910 B.C. The first decade of his reign was spent in social reform and military expansion. He fortified the cities of Judah and experienced a time of peace. He had an army of 300,000 from Judah equipped with shields and spears; and 280,000 archers from Benjamin also stood ready for action. However, this army of brave men was small in comparison to the Ethiopian army which attacked Judah ten years after Asa took the throne. Zerah the Ethiopian led a military force consisting of a million men and three hundred chariots. It was undeniably superior to Judah’s. Yet, Asa was an honorable man who did right in the eyes of the Lord. He called out to the Lord his God, realizing that such a multitude of armed men was nothing for God. God struck the Ethiopians and gave Judah the victory. It was truly a “David and Goliath” moment. Asa was blessed by God’s spirit upon him and in the fifteenth year of his reign, rededicated the kingdom to God. He required all the people to take an oath to seek God with all their heart and soul. Twenty more years of peace followed. Asa’s kingdom flourished and so did he, and all the people collectively held their breaths to see what great thing this man who truly loved God might do next.

And then peace was threatened once again by Israel—a small army compared to the Ethiopians; however, there was the king of Israel on the threshold of Judah aggressively taking action against their nation. Asa misappropriated funds from the temple and from his own treasury and sent them on to Syria in an attempt to bribe the Syrian king to align with Judah rather than Israel. He wanted to strike a treaty with a nation which was clearly an enemy. It worked. Israel backed off. Yet, Syria escaped and would grow to be a thorn in Judah’s side in the future. God sent Hanani the seer to Asa to let him know the grave mistake he had made; but instead of humbling himself and confessing his sin, Asa’s heart had grown hard. He had Hanani placed in prison and oppressed those who dared to agree with God. Sometime later Asa became diseased in his feet, but rather than turning to God, he once again turned to man. He died shortly thereafter stubborn and far from reaching his full potential. Yet again I find myself wondering, “What happened?”  How does a life so full of promise fall short of God’s purpose? How do individuals so zealous for God and His work end up walking away with hardened hearts?

It happens time and time again—Gibson and Asa are only two instances of lives gone wrong. King Solomon has to be the most puzzling example. He was the wisest man to ever live, and because Solomon had requested wisdom from God rather than riches, God made him incredibly wealthy too. Under Solomon’s rule, Israel reached the peak of her power and expanded from the Euphrates river in the north to Egypt in the south—the largest it had ever been.  Solomon was a writer, architect, and advisor.  He composed 3,000 proverbs. He built the Holy Temple. He advised the Queen of Sheba. The splendor of his palace was incomparable. His throne was inlaid with ivory and overlaid with gold. There were six steps leading up to the throne seat and a lion stood on each side of the six steps. Lions also flanked both armrests. Nothing like it had ever been created. Unfortunately, Solomon had many (and many is really an understatement) foreign wives who led him astray. He began to follow their pagan gods going as far as building a high place of worship for the Moab and Ammonite gods. Adversaries were raised up against Israel. Solomon was warned that his kingdom would be taken from his son. Only for David’s sake would Rehoboam, Solomon’s son, be allowed to continue ruling one of the twelve tribes of Israel. A man, who had literally had the world at his fingertips, lost it all and died far from God. Again, why? How could someone so blessed with God’s favor, who knew God so intimately, be led away by the temporal pleasures of this world? However, the question that should  be asked is, if someone who communicated with God so personally and who probably had a better understanding of who God really is can be led awry, what will keep me from going off course? How can I finish strong and prevent my life from self-destructing?

A Virtuous Wife?

I must have emerged from the womb throwing punches with a grudge the size of Texas on my shoulders. I am stubborn, selfish, controlling, confrontational, and do not like to admit when I am wrong. I like it even less when Woody tells me I’m wrong. I am definitely not what God had in mind when detailing the “Virtuous Wife” in Proverbs 31. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was the antithesis. I cannot even begin to explain the frustration that used to well up in me when confronted with this passage.  Had I been appointed editor, I am quite confident that Proverbs 31:10-31 would have been omitted from the Bible. Yet, God knew better.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to be a virtuous wife. I desire to be a woman whom my husband can trust to bring him good, and who will open her mouth with wisdom. Unfortunately, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak, words fly out like little arrows searching for their next victim, wounding the heart and leaving scars. And sometimes it’s just easier to bring evil rather than good.

Why do I struggle so much in this area? Is it because I have never seen unselfish love in the flesh modeled? Is it because I do not trust Woody to always do me good? I have been hurt by him repeatedly, and truth be told, I do not trust him. So, am I justified in my egoism? No.

God loves me unselfishly. He is my example. God is my protection. He is whom I trust. Psalm 84:11 states, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” As long as I am following God, He will protect me. He will not allow harm to come my way. You see, it is not a matter of trusting Woody to be perfect and never say or do anything to cause me pain; it is a matter of trusting God to protect me from Woody’s mistakes.

I am definitely a work in progress. Yet, God is slowly transforming me. I am learning to submit to His will. I am surrendering control. I am biting my tongue. I am yielding to a God who knows me intimately and realizes just how hard it is for me to let go of the grudge I have held for most of my life.  He gives grace and glory.  And as I am changed, my marriage is blessed. Intimacy is restored. The foundation is repaired. Soon, I know, that woman in Proverbs 31 will not be such an unobtainable goal. You see, God has started the makeover. He will transform me into the “Virtuous Wife.” I may have entered the world fighting, but I will go out of it quietly.