Sometimes we must look back to see how far we have travelled, even though the rearview mirror may reflect the horrific images of death and trauma. I have had images of the past litter the road before me all day long. “Why does Woody’s death consume me today?” I questioned an empty room as I sat alone in my office. I pulled an old journal from a box from 2016, the year after Woody’s traumatic death, and I read. In those pages I found a very broken, terrified woman who had no idea how to survive without the man she had always relied on. He had been her everything! I realized then that the woman who had written those words with tears falling onto the pages no longer exists. She has been replaced by a woman of resilience who has learned to rely solely on God. She has disappeared and I wonder if the woman who was able to love a man so completely will ever return.
As I watch all three of my children, five if you count their significant others, interact my heart is full of gratitude. The woman who parented them in the years following Woody’s death did not know how to guide them and made so many mistakes. However, in spite of her they are here today laughing and loving. My relationship with them is better than it has ever been, especially with my darling daughter. As I embraced her today and held her tightly, I was so full of awe. I never thought we would get to this point. We were completely shattered by Woody’s death and damaged each other significantly as we muddled our way through the grief. Yet, here we are today best friends who cannot get enough of each other.
I am thankful for this brief escapade through my past. I needed it to see how far we have travelled, and I cannot help but wonder how far we have yet to go. I know God is not finished with our story. There is still so much of it to write. But for today I will be thankful we have survived, and we are finally beginning to find our way into the future.
