In three weeks we will cross the
five year mark of Woody’s death. We have survived half a decade since that
fateful day. At times, I feel like I’m still on Mount Yonah, trying to hold
onto the man who completed my very being, begging God for his life. And at
other times, I feel as if that day never happened. I still grieve—for my
children more than myself, and for Woody’s parents and brother. Strangely
enough, I rarely grieve for my own loss. Am I still in denial, waiting for
Woody to return from a prolonged business trip? Or have I busied myself so
efficiently I have no time to contemplate what Woody’s death has meant to me? I
believe it may be the latter more so than the former. Since Woody’s death I
have gone back to school and completed a second undergraduate degree and am
nearly finished with my masters. I have single-handedly renovated/remodeled
four houses and flipped three, written a book, finished homeschooling my two
youngest children, started a grief ministry at my church, and have reentered
the work force full-time. Am I avoiding my grief or using it constructively?
Who knows.
What I do know is that every step
of my journey I have walked in the arms of my Savior. There have been moments
where I questioned His presence and felt desperately alone, but at the very
core of my existence, I knew He had not abandoned me, nor would he. Yes, it is
still a struggle. We are still battling the long-term effects of post-traumatic
stress disorder and it is not pretty. I wonder if we will ever know life
without suffering. However, I know even in the midst of my sorrow when my heart
is heavy and the darkness looms, God is still good! And He will not leave me to
travel this path alone.
So as we approach five years I
will recall when it was five days and I could barely breathe. I will remember
how I doubted my ability to survive. Yet, here I am by the grace of God,
standing in awe of His ability to see us through such a harrowing experience
and teach us how to live. Because of Him I am a better human being, someone who
has learned how to walk through every day with praise on her lips realizing
tomorrow is not a guarantee. Yes, three weeks will still be difficult, especially
this year since May 10, falls on Mother’s Day once again. But I know the same strength
and resilience that has brought me this far will continue to carry me through;
and somehow I will continue to breathe.
