The Five Year Mark

In three weeks we will cross the five year mark of Woody’s death. We have survived half a decade since that fateful day. At times, I feel like I’m still on Mount Yonah, trying to hold onto the man who completed my very being, begging God for his life. And at other times, I feel as if that day never happened. I still grieve—for my children more than myself, and for Woody’s parents and brother. Strangely enough, I rarely grieve for my own loss. Am I still in denial, waiting for Woody to return from a prolonged business trip? Or have I busied myself so efficiently I have no time to contemplate what Woody’s death has meant to me? I believe it may be the latter more so than the former. Since Woody’s death I have gone back to school and completed a second undergraduate degree and am nearly finished with my masters. I have single-handedly renovated/remodeled four houses and flipped three, written a book, finished homeschooling my two youngest children, started a grief ministry at my church, and have reentered the work force full-time. Am I avoiding my grief or using it constructively? Who knows.

What I do know is that every step of my journey I have walked in the arms of my Savior. There have been moments where I questioned His presence and felt desperately alone, but at the very core of my existence, I knew He had not abandoned me, nor would he. Yes, it is still a struggle. We are still battling the long-term effects of post-traumatic stress disorder and it is not pretty. I wonder if we will ever know life without suffering. However, I know even in the midst of my sorrow when my heart is heavy and the darkness looms, God is still good! And He will not leave me to travel this path alone.

So as we approach five years I will recall when it was five days and I could barely breathe. I will remember how I doubted my ability to survive. Yet, here I am by the grace of God, standing in awe of His ability to see us through such a harrowing experience and teach us how to live. Because of Him I am a better human being, someone who has learned how to walk through every day with praise on her lips realizing tomorrow is not a guarantee. Yes, three weeks will still be difficult, especially this year since May 10, falls on Mother’s Day once again. But I know the same strength and resilience that has brought me this far will continue to carry me through; and somehow I will continue to breathe.

Self-Righteous Modern Day Pharisees: A Rant of Sorts

“Once we recognize the universality of sin, we stop trying to convince ourselves that we are good people; we stop trying to compute who is better than whom; and we fall helplessly at the feet of a loving Savior who graciously gives hope meaning, purpose, and peace.” –Mark R. McMinn

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” –Jesus

How many of you have cast a stone today? I know a few, but out of respect, I will not name them. It is no wonder so many people turn away from the physical church. We are judgmental and self-righteous. We arrogantly quantify and qualify sin until we have alphabetically categorized it. Anger? Everyone can justify that, especially if someone wrongs you. A lie is okay as long as your intentions are good, right? And pride? It’s called self-confidence. And then everyone knows that sexual sin is the worst!

What has become of the church? What happened to the collectivistic nature of sin? When God was dealing with the Israelites, if a few sinned they all suffered. Doesn’t that say something about the responsibility we have to our fellow believers to rescue them from sinful behavior? We cannot rescue them from sin, but we can give them love and encouragement and stand beside them and help them fight the battles of temptation. And when they do sin, should we stand back in judgment, condemning them with our self-righteousness? No! Do we let rage fill our hearts even if the person’s sin has wounded us deeply? No! Or are you the only person who has never harmed another human being through your actions? If so, then I guess you have the right to your anger and condemnation. However, the only person who truly never harmed another human being died to save us from condemnation. I doubt you are holier than that.

People, when will you realize that your self-righteousness is turning people away from a loving, forgiving God who sees us all the same? Benedict of Nursia stated it best in his seventh step of humility: “The seventh step of humility is when we declare with our tongue and believe in our inmost soul that we are the lowliest and vilest of all, humbling ourselves and saying with the Psalmist, ‘But I am a worm, and I am the reproach of all, the outcast of the people.’” That means all of us! You are no better than the murderer, the child abuser, the pedophile, the thief. God is holy and you are not. You can never live up to His standard. You will always fall short, which means you are condemned no matter what you do. However, God sent His son to save us from our sinful condition. And your self-righteousness is repelling the very people Jesus came to save.

My oldest son did something most will find vile, including me. However, I know I am just as vile because I am a sinner. At the time he needs the church the most, it has abandoned him because of the nature of his sin. Now, more than ever he is sick and needs the great Physician to heal his brokenness. Yet the people whom God works through have turned their backs on him. The very people who said, “We will always love you and be here for you,” left as soon as it got too hard and ugly. Sin is ugly—yours as well as mine—none of it is pretty. Jesus lived in our filth after knowing the glory of heaven. You don’t think that was difficult? But He knew He was here to heal the sick and broken. He didn’t sit in the synagogue and say, “Oh, I’ll pray for you,” or “Oh, I’ll send money or goods to those in need.” No, he rolled up his sleeves and loved in very practical ways. He did not abandon us.

I know we will live with this the rest of our lives, and I also know God is working through it. I know there are people who have never experienced the full revelation of grace and therefore, cannot give it. However, watch out. You will reach a point in life when you will need the grace you are not willing to give. Just know, I will still give it to you and so will God.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day. I have dreaded it all year, but now it is here. How would I celebrate the day that reminds me of my greatest loss? Could I create new memories to bury the old? “What will you do come Mother’s Day?” The question was posed to me more than once, and each time, tears would spring to my eyes and my throat would constrict. I didn’t know. I couldn’t even imagine how I might survive it without being buried under a mountain of horrific memories. Memories of… the look in Woody’s eyes the last time I gazed into them…the scalp hanging from his skull…the paramedic's words as he confirmed my worst fear…standing in the parking lot at the trail head covered in blood and dust while tears streamed down my face knowing I had to call Woody’s mom on Mother’s Day and tell her that her son was dead. Yes, dreadful memories.

Yet, even while the inquiries came, God had a plan. I will never forget the day our pastor called to inform me that several people from the church wanted to ensure that we had a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend so they had made arrangements for us to stay in a beach house. I cried. I was so overwhelmed once more by God’s graciousness and the love of our church family. Once again, God has demonstrated His care for us. A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows.

And so here we are, in Siesta Key, Florida, with perfect weather and perfect peace. Our days have been sun-drenched and full of laughter. Today we had brunch and wished that Woody were here to celebrate the day with us, but we did so without tears. We are surviving with God’s help. Thank you to all those who have supported us, loved us, and prayed for us! You are the body of Christ and we feel your embrace.

We know that Tuesday will be rough; however, just like today, God will provide exactly what we need in the moment we need it. And you—our extended family—will be standing in the gap continually loving….

Thank you from us all!