King to Queen

I saw the advertisement on a Facebook page dedicated to our neighborhood—“Antique French bed includes headboard, footboard, and side rails. Good condition.” Hmm.... I thought about it for a week before making inquiries. Another week passed before I heard a response from the owner. Today was the day I finally made contact with the woman who was selling it and arranged a time after church to see the bed. Today was the day I officially decided that it is time to exchange my king sized bed for something smaller.

When I drove up to the home to examine the bed, an older couple was working diligently in the front yard, taking advantage of the unseasonably warm January day. I immediately liked them. They both had smile lined faces and the lines around their eyes told the story of all the joy they had shared over the years. “Hi, I’m Kim. I texted you about the bed.”

“Hello, I’m Renate,” the woman spoke with a thick South African accent and extended her hand to take mine. “It is a pleasure to meet you.” We made our way to the garage where the head board leaned against a wall. Renate showed me a stamp near the bottom. “See, this is the stamp showing it was made in Paris.”

“Where did you find this?” I was curious to know more.

“I bought it 42 years ago in South Africa when we were first married. It was in an antique store. We just recently bought a bigger bed.” Her husband joined us in the garage. Their mannerisms demonstrated a love and intimacy that was over forty years strong.

“I’ll take it.”

Her husband spoke up, “When will your husband see it? When you get home?”

“No,” I hesitated a moment, “my husband is dead. That’s why I’m buying this. I have a king bed and just decided it’s time to downsize. I don’t even use half my bed.”

There was an awkward silence. “I’m sorry,” he responded, eyes downcast.

They helped Haden and I load the bed into the back of our Expedition. They gave us pillows to provide padding between the pieces, and then Renate followed us home so that we would not need to return them. We spoke a little and with every word I liked her even more. Before she left I told her, “Now I have a piece of your story.”

She smiled and her eyes twinkled. “Yes, you do.”

Marriage is such a gift. It is the covenant relationship that God uses to demonstrate His connection with the church. I believe wholeheartedly in marriage and value it even more now that Woody is gone. It is not something to be taken for granted but to be cherished and preserved. Renate and her husband reminded me of what Woody and I had hoped to have in another 22 years. However, our story was rewritten and now I have learned to lean on God as I adjust to a life that does not include a husband to have and to hold into old age. It means a life of transitions, such as downsizing from a king to a queen. But with every adjustment, with every change I grow stronger. God is slowly removing the clouds to reveal His brilliant sunlight.

Hopefully soon I can begin the work of restoring the queen bed, and as I do I know I’ll remember Renate’s beautiful smile and the marriage that began in South Africa 42 years ago. I will also remember how God has faithfully carried me through the darkness and continues to restore my heart. King to queen—another step forward.

A Wedding

It was a lovely wedding. I have known the bride and groom for years and have loved them both separately but love them even more as a couple. As they knelt to take communion together, I watched as the bride’s arm went around the groom’s torso and her hand rested lovingly on his back. Tears stung my eyes as I witnessed a long journey concluding at the altar. She had waited—and waited—for a man who would cherish her like Christ loved the church. I was honored to witness a union firmly established in faith.

The evening was bittersweet. I remembered the day I had pledged my life and love to a man who loved me with such great compassion and joy. We spoke of how we would grow old together and watch our children and grandchildren blossom into men and women. We planned trips around the world. We imagined retirement together. Our lives were ever intertwined. There was no future ever fantasized that did not include “we.”

But then the unimaginable happened. The man I vowed to love until death did us part tragically died shortly after his 43^rd birthday. Suddenly the future grew grim and gloomy. I realized then how very little control we have over what tomorrow might bring. We are not promised “old age.” We are not even guaranteed next week. We can only be assured of the moment we are in.  Life truly is short.

I know I will witness more weddings, and every one of them will be a joyous occasion. I just pray that every couple who walk down the aisle and enter into that covenant relationship will value every day after the wedding even more so than the ceremony itself. I pray that they treasure the years they are given and never squander even one single hour of any given day. Love is a gift from God, and marriage is by His design. Do not waste it.

Love

Love. I have thought about that little four-lettered word for a while now—specifically, marital love. I have come to the conclusion that love should never be a passive verb. It should always be active. Sometimes the act of loving produces pain or requires great sacrifice, but at other times it yields pure ecstasy. It is the most you will ever give, yet has the potential to give you more than you could ever dream. Sometimes it feels like a gentle spring rain, refreshing and pleasing; while other times it is a tempest swirling around your head, tugging at your clothes, ripping apart your world. However, at all times love requires great faith and fortitude. Perseverance is part of love. It is what makes love eternal and desirable.

As frightening as all that may sound, love can be quite practical. It’s the little things—a kiss good morning, pausing a moment to listen, holding hands in the car, flowers just because, preparing a favorite meal, loading the dishwasher, forgiving, a kiss on the forehead, pausing when your spouse walks into the room to smile, and a thousand other little things that say, “You are the love of my life and I’d do it all over again.” Love can be quite simple, but it should always be acted upon.

So today, while you still have the chance, listen to your spouse. Smile. Do something unexpected. Life is short, but love can be eternal.

God's Gift to Mankind

One of God’s greatest gifts to mankind is the ability to love another human being. True love is quite different than fondness or attraction. True love is sacrificial and unconditional. It does not change with our circumstances and is not based on the other person’s behavior. It loves at all times and is always sincere.

Some people go an entire lifetime without ever experiencing true love in holy matrimony. Yes, they are married, but they have no idea what it means to be in a covenant relationship with God as the cornerstone. There is no spiritual intimacy and, unfortunately, without spiritual intimacy, emotional and physical intimacy will never reach the depth or height that God intends.  The sexiest thing a man can do with his wife is to pray over her, lifting her needs to the heavenly realms. There is an indescribable connection made when two people pray together and seek spiritual wisdom. The bond created in those moments is resilient and will weather any storm. The transparency creates confidence in every other area of the relationship. Tender affection and respect become second nature. Holy matrimony is a sacred relationship founded on biblical principles and draws its strength from the author of true love.

Woody and I came to know that sort of love. It was a long journey which nearly destroyed our union. However, the last four to five years of our marriage were amazing. We finally had discovered what it means to be in a covenant relationship with God and each other. It wasn’t perfect; yet, we understood grace. More than anything, we respected each other. We never let the sun go down on our anger. We gave more than we took. We loved at all times with sincerity.  We understood God’s gifts—marital love and intimacy!

It saddens me when I see couples in the church throwing away their marriages, giving up on the most valuable gift God has given. Nothing is impossible with God. No marriage is beyond the point of no return. Why do we so easily throw in the towel? Is it because we are not truly loving? Has our society redefined love so effectively that even Christians have become blinded to the truth?

I am thankful for the years I had with Woody. I am thankful for his spiritual leadership and all of the times he held me close and prayed fervently for me, our marriage, and our family. I am thankful that I was able to recognize God’s greatest gift to mankind and appreciate it while it was within my reach. Do not take for granted what you have been given. Life is short—sometimes much too short. In a moment everything can change. You do not want to be left with a lifetime of regrets and “what if’s.” I can honestly say that if I had known Woody would die that day on Mt. Yonah, it would not have changed how we lived. I have no regrets. Will you?

Our Wedding Anniversary

It’s 2:00 a.m. I thought I was finished reaching over to your side of the bed searching for the warmth of your body. But here I am. My hand glides across the cool sheet finding emptiness, and I remember. Today is our wedding anniversary—a day we would have celebrated with joy as we did every year. We realized the value in celebrating another year of dedication. Marriage is work! It doesn’t just “happen.” We both understood this concept better than most. We had toiled through years of drought and plenty to glean the harvest we were finally reaping.

You loved to celebrate. I wonder how we would have celebrated our day. Last year we spent the weekend in Chapel Hill. You surprised me with a new wedding ring to replace the one that I had lost. “Let’s hope I don’t lose this one, or at least not for another 20 years!” I teased. We laughed. We loved. We lived. You were my joy and my security. You made every day a celebration. I knew how blessed I was to commemorate another year of marriage with you. You asked me once again where I wanted to go to mark our 20^th wedding anniversary. We decided on New Zealand. You loved to celebrate, but you loved “us” even more.

Today will not be a celebration, but I will remember—I will remember a lifetime of love built on a foundation of faith. I will honor you by continuing to push through the pain and find laughter. I will survive. Although half of my heart died May 10, 2015, I must live on. I will find joy in our children and the memories you gave.

Happy anniversary…well, not happy, but it is not cheerless. I miss you, but I am so grateful for the love we shared. I will never forget.

For now, my life may feel as if I am reaching into the empty darkness, yet I know I am not alone. God has carried me every step of the way and today will be no exception. Perhaps someday the pain will subside enough that I will find a way in which to mark our anniversary once again with laughter and love. For now, I just need to breathe and remember to live.

Progress

“I am terrified. I am overwhelmed. How will we make our way through these stormy seas? I feel alone and insignificant. I am weak. I curl up into a fetal position, hugging my knees close to my chest and I cry. My tears sting my eyes. Salty drops stain my face and moisten my knees. What will happen to us? How can I continue on this route when the way is strewn with boulders? Why?

Lord, we need Your divine intervention. Where are you? I have felt you so near, and now Your presence seems so far away from me. Please give me hope. Give me something to believe. I am so afraid. I am wracked with fear. I cannot get my mind wrapped around all that I need to do.”

These words were written exactly one month ago today—eight days after Woody’s accident. Although God has eased much of the pain, there remains a dull ache deep within that causes me to wonder if I will ever experience life the same. Yet, progress has been made.

I am no longer fearful, but I am often doubtful. I cannot see what the future holds for me or the children. I pray for their continued growth and that they will find love and laughter, but I wonder at the same time if I will ever again laugh as carelessly as I did with Woody. He knew exactly what to say and do whenever I was blue. He brought the sunshine into my cloudiest days. He filled my heart with love and joy. And now, I cannot imagine a future that does not contain the human embodiment of God’s love to me.

Every day I take one more step into the future. Every day I learn a little more about how to live without my other half. And every day I am thankful for all I do have—my children, my family, my friends, and my faith. “Breathe,” I tell myself each morning. “Take a deep breath and know that God will give you another.” I will wait and see what healing another month brings. Already, I can see progress. I still cry; I still long for Woody. However, the tears do not sting as sharply as they did nor are they always present. Occasionally, I laugh and I am filled with gratitude for what I have not lost. Yes, it is still a little overwhelming, but I know now we will survive—one day at a time. 

Progress....

One Month Ago Today...

Today marks one month since that fateful day when our lives were forever changed. One month, and still I long for one more day—one more day to pray with you, to talk with you, to hold your hand, to hold you close, to love you completely. However, one more day was not to be, and I must hold onto the memories of the days we were given.

I have learned so much about myself during this time and about God and grief. I have learned what it is to truly mourn. I understand what it is to lament, to groan, and to feel completely hopeless. Yet, at the same time I have gained a clearer view of God’s grace and compassion. I have felt His Spirit with me every second of every day since the horrific moment you were ripped from our lives. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be without you—evidence of God’s existence. My sanity would have left me that day without supernatural intervention. Most of all, I have learned how desperately you were loved—by me, our children, family, friends, and co-workers. You were even more amazing than I realized.

I have learned, too, that our children are remarkable. We did well. All of those late night conversations full of anxiety concerning their futures and all of those prayers for their spiritual and physical growth have come to fruition.  They have drawn closer to their Heavenly Father and have relied upon His power. They are resilient and faithful. I know you must be so proud gazing upon them from your new home. They miss you tremendously! But in time, they will learn to live life bearing the void that your absence has created. They will build upon the foundation we laid together and it will never be shaken.

I love you! I feel as if I have been walking through a fog since the day you died. I still use present tense verbs when referring to you. I still reach for your hand before falling asleep. I miss everything about you! There are moments when I can almost see a light flickering through the haze, moments where a glimmer of hope lies on the horizon. But those moments are fleeting and far too few to be of lasting comfort. In time, they will become more frequent. In time, God will give me new dreams to replace the ones which were shattered with your life. Until then, I will take it one moment at a time—occasionally, one breath at a time. And I will continue to rely on our wonderful God to carry me through until the journey leads me back to you.

From "We" to "Me"

Today is a struggle. While out for my morning run, my mind drifted to us. I thought of how we had celebrated when the year 2014 was over. It had been a year of personal and professional challenges. You had lost your job of fifteen years with a company and people you loved. It took eight long, stressful months before you found a new position which offered the opportunity for a new career. We celebrated all that 2015 would bring, knowing that it would be a year of promise and peace.

Working in Raleigh was tough. You, a family man to the core, had to be away from home five to six nights every week. Yet, we tried to make the most of every minute we had together. The best weeks were the ones when the kids and I joined you in North Carolina. We explored the area we knew was to be our new home. We tried different restaurants and boutiques. We laughed. We were building the foundation for a new life in a new city. We were excited to join you full time. We researched the different suburbs until we settled on Chapel Hill. We had it all planned out. We were once again developing dreams of a new future, one that would see the kids moving out and into lives of their own. We thought of future marriages and grandchildren. We were excited to grow old together. And everything was centered on “we”.

There is no “we” anymore. It hit me like a brick smashing into my thoughts and fragmenting every hope I had for the future. How do I do this without you? How can I grow old when it will no longer be “we”? I can barely even get out of bed in the morning; so how do I walk into the future without the love of my life standing beside me, affectionately holding my hand? We were one, and now half of me has died. I left my sarcastic, jovial, gregarious half on the summit of Mt. Yonah. I am truly feeling lost without you. How is it possible that on one fateful day life was drastically altered and went from "we" to "me'?

I love you, Woody. Death cannot defeat love, nor can it steal the lifetime of memories you gave. I will, with God’s loving assistance, walk through this valley until I am once again standing in the light.  I know that eventually I will grow accustomed to the loneliness of “me,” but even then I will always miss the fulfillment of  “we.” 

The Way You Died

“BLUNT FORCE HEAD AND CHEST TRAUMA”

I read the words on the death certificate and tears sting my eyes; I catch my breath. My chest tightens up and the room starts to spin. “So, this is how they will say you died,” I whisper to an empty room.

I can still see how you died. I can still see the look in your caramel-brown eyes as you slid past me and over the edge of the granite cliff. I can still see the dark red blood pouring from the back of your head onto the stone side of the mountain and onto my shoes. I can still see your eyes swollen shut as you bled from your nose and your mouth. I know how you died. It continues to haunt me every night.

 Yet, I must remember how you lived. You lived with so much gusto. You crammed as much living as you possibly could into every moment. Sometimes it annoyed me. “Can’t you just sit still and read a book?” A ridiculous request, I know; but sometimes it was exhausting just watching you live. However, you were an excellent salesman. You sold me on life and love.  We laughed and cried through every quest, always searching for the next adventure. You taught me to be brave. You taught me how to live fully as if every day were my last. But most importantly, you taught me to love—to love God and to love you.

I will miss you as long as I live; yet, I live in hope that one day we will be reunited. God holds me tightly in His ever loving arms as He ever so gently carries me through this nightmare. The ache in my heart is unbearable. My whole being yearns for you. Still, I am thankful—thankful for the years we shared, thankful for the father and husband you were, and thankful for God’s guidance in our marriage.

Yes, you died violently and early. Yet you lived passionately and abundantly. That is what I will commit to memory. That is how I will remember you.

Broken and Blessed

To be loved and love completely is priceless. Life is too short. It can be snuffed out in an instant when you least suspect it. We become complacent in the routine of life and we forget just how precious the people who do life with us are. We tend to take for granted those who trudge along beside us on this journey called life. And then when they are gone we know for certain just how valuable they were.

Love is the essence of life, and if you are fortunate enough to be united with another person in holy matrimony, then you can never neglect the vow to love. Because if—really when—that person is suddenly ripped from your arms by tragedy, you will have wasted two lives. Loving someone completely will provide you solace when life no longer surges through his or her veins.

I have loved and have been loved completely by a man who healed me through that love. I have been content and full to the brim. I have been blessed beyond words by a man who has adored me for nearly 21 years. He has been a devoted husband and father. He has been my life, and I did not take for granted what we had. We had toiled diligently to achieve intimacy forged by faith. I will never forget what I had with Woody and will miss him every day for the rest of my life.

Tragedy did strike our happy home. The bliss I have known, the love and the beauty of a fulfilled marriage, have been ripped from my hands by an incident too terrible for words. However even though I am completely broken, I am still blessed. God gave me the most exquisite gift, one forged through the flames and polished to a golden glow. I will never stop praising the name of the One who allowed me to know what it was to be Woody’s wife. Broken and blessed by the One who blessed me ultimately through His brokenness.

Life is short this side of heaven. However, eternity waits for me and so does the man who gave me just a glimpse of the love and joy I have yet to know there. Thank you, Woody, for being the man God created you to be. And just know you are still loved completely.

Excerpts from My Book

I am busily writing, but not about intimacy in marriage. This time, I am writing to teenage/single young women about how living a life of purity will set the foundation for intimacy in marriage. So, while all my creative juices are working towards that, I will be occasionally posting excerpts from my book Finding Intimacy in Marriage: A Spiritual, Emotional And Physical Journey published by Faith Books & More, copyright 2014. If you have not read my book, then I hope you enjoy these posts. If you have, then please be patient while I work on my next project. I promise I will have new material for the blog once I am finished.

If you are interested in purchasing my book, it can be found on amazon.com or Barnes&Noble.com.

"In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines.  Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is hard during the late days of summer and early days of fall.  However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time.  I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested.  We manage to do the same thing with sex.  There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed.  Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited.  We rob ourselves of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of that first embrace.  Physical intimacy before marriage deprives us of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, we have traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment and are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused.  That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage.  There are no gray areas.  This is not one of those “disputable” matters.  God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

Many times throughout the Bible, the relationship between the church (believers) and Christ is compared to a marriage.  Isaiah 62:5b says, “as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.”  In Matthew 25, Jesus told the parable of the ten virgins, comparing His return to the bridegroom. Again, in Mark 2, Jesus refers to Himself as the bridegroom, and one of the clearest descriptions of the church as the bride of Christ is given in Revelation 19.

Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:22-23, that the relationship between Christ and the church is a “profound mystery.”  However, through the covenant of marriage, we can begin to understand that union.  Marriage teaches us how to love unconditionally and how to sacrifice self for the sake of another.  It teaches us respect and commitment.  Through marriage we can begin to understand true intimacy, an internal knowledge, a oneness that can only be experienced within the union of marriage.  By understanding this bond, we can better appreciate the connection we have with Christ and how He sacrificed Himself to bring us into the beautiful relationship we have with our God.  Jesus Christ was the unblemished sacrifice—the only offering pure enough to die in our place and cover us with His righteousness.  The blood of the purest Lamb brought us into covenant relationship. He committed one hundred percent.  We were His only love.  He never courted any other.  He waited until the perfect time, and then He gave all He had to give.  That is to be our model of marriage.

Ask yourself this, what would Jesus’ sacrifice upon the cross mean had He been defiled in any way?  What if He had entered into the covenant relationship with a past full of lust-filled fantasies and sexual impurity?  I am not saying that Jesus wasn’t fully man.  He was, and as a man, He was a sexual being.  He appreciated a beautiful woman just as much as any man does.  However, He never desired a woman in an unhealthy, ungodly fashion.  He never lusted.  If He had given in to any temptation, including impure thoughts, it would have disqualified Him to be the Messiah, the Lamb of God, the perfect sacrifice suitable to die in our place and cover our sins.  Do you see how coming into a covenant relationship defiled can fracture a bond before it is even made?

Satan knows how damaging premarital sex and impurity in thought and action are, more so than we will ever know.  He knows that if marriages lose their value, our relationship with God loses its value.  He knows that if he can attack the first union established by God, all others will fall apart too, including the most important one we have—that with God.  We no longer value purity, holiness, what it means to be consecrated for God’s use; in fact, we really do not even know what these words mean anymore.  They have been redefined and secularized.  Even the word “marriage” has been reinterpreted by our society so many times that we are no longer clear as to what it stands for.  And the attack continues to this day.  Sexual impurity is Satan’s ace in the hole.  He understands what this means; he gets the significance.  Why can’t we?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage.  The beauty of what God has in store is stolen.  God created sex and the way He planned it is far better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine.  It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in every soap opera with the perfectly chiseled male and exquisitely beautiful, well-proportioned blonde.  It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine.  It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt.  There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension.  That is how God designed it.  Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?  And we wonder why our marriages lack intimacy and are falling apart at record rates?  We have bought into a terrible lie.  The world’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned physical intimacy into a form of self-indulgent, pleasure seeking entertainment.  The value of love-making has been lost.

The reason our marriages lack physical intimacy is because sex shouldn’t be an act of self-gratification and intense passion the way it is portrayed on television and on the big screen.  It should be a moment of considerate, tender love-making.  There should only be two people involved and not a host of memories clouding the moment and stealing the heart.  When you have had physical encounters with people other than your spouse, it can be difficult to keep your mind in the moment and not fantasize about what it was like when you were single and sex was thrilling.  Love-making may not be “thrilling;” it may be quite comfortable.  There should be a familiarity and ease about it.  It has a different sort of “excitement”; an excitement that is healthy and causes our affections to grow stronger and more sensitive to the needs of our spouse.  That is how God designed it.  And there is something delightful about the lack of intensity."

Patient Love

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails." 1 Cor. 13:4-8a (NIV)

As a wife and mother, I need a daily reminder of what love should look like in our home.  As I read over 1 Corinthians 13, I realize that we are nowhere near hitting the mark on this one.  While I snap at Woody as he disrupts my daily routine with a simple request (hmmm...there goes the "not easily angered" part), I am made painfully aware of the fact that we are struggling to really love each other.  We keep score, we're impatient, our impatience leads to rudeness, and most of the time (truth be told) we're self-seeking.

So how in the world do we learn to love?  Can we love as defined in these few verses?

I must start by looking inward at how I love.  Is the love God loves me with being transferred to the world around me and, most importantly, to my family?  Honestly?  Not so much.  I struggle with the patient part of loving.  And if I dig down deep, I can see that my impatience is rooted in a self-seeking attitude.  I have my ideal life all planned out, and for some reason everyone around me isn't falling into place and taking his or her part seriously.  "What's wrong with you?" I often ponder.  "Didn't you get the script?  This is NOT how I planned it!"

Yes, I'm very self-seeking.  Therefore, I am not really loving as I should be.  If I want love to reign within my home, I must let it reign within my heart first.  One can't teach something he doesn't know how to do himself.

Loving is hard!  It means living for someone or something else.  Who am I living for?  If the answer is "me", what's the point?  What's to be gained in a life lived to benefit one?

I quickly find myself on my knees pleading for help, realizing I can't love honestly and unselfishly without divine help.  Once love is made perfect within me, perhaps then it will be made perfect within my marriage and within my family.

(Just a reminder, if you find that my writings have helped you in anyway, you may want to purchase my book, Finding Intimacy in Marriage: A Spiritual, Emotional and Physical Journey, available on Amazon.com)

Loving Sacrificially

I know it—intellectually; but emotionally?

The heart is slow to follow the head.

Love requires sacrifice…there is no “easy” button. But, we all search for the path of least resistance. We desire committed, soul-satisfying love. We want to be satiated—filled to the brim. However, while searching for this elusive emotion we never stop to question, “What will this require of me? What will I need to give in order to receive?”

Loving fallen man cannot be easy.  Yet Jesus left His home on high, humbled Himself by taking on human flesh, and then died a horrendous death—all in the name of love.

Sacrifice.

Giving when there may be nothing given in return.

When we put aside self, we learn to walk in love. Our hearts must give in order to receive. There is something about the offering that prepares the heart for accepting. Until we learn to give ourselves away—to sacrifice—we cannot understand what it truly means to be loved.

We must empty ourselves in order to be filled. Sacrifice drains the vessel of the heart in order to make room for the soul-satisfying love we all seek.

I know this. Yet, living out this principle daily requires discipline and patience. However, knowing that I am loved sacrificially by the creator of the world inspires me to dedicate my life to learning this principle emotionally as well as I do intellectually.

It's In the Little Things

Coming home to find hydrangeas in a vase

Calling first thing in the morning to say, “I love you!”

Holding hands while driving to the store.

Doing another load of laundry after washing all the clothes—just because he needs a few items to take on the road.

Putting him first in my thoughts even though he is hundreds of miles away.

Woody is home six days out of the month if we are lucky. Building intimacy is nearly impossible with an absentee spouse. However, it is all the little things that bind us together—like gentle raindrops falling on my face, providing momentary relief from the sun’s scorching rays. The gentle words, the small gifts, the acts of service—all of these things are so mundane and menial; yet through these things we say “I love you. I value you. I desire you.”

Love isn’t always romance and rockets exploding, but it is always respectful; and we discover it’s true worth in the little things.

Fragile Strength

I love trail running, especially in the first hours of daylight when the rays of the sun cast long shadows on the earth and dappled sunlight dances on the trail. The morning is peaceful as the birds wake the woods with their bright, cheery songs.  “Time to wake up!” they seem to say.  I love the sound of my feet hitting the trail, crunching through dead leaves.  And then… I’m covered in a sinewy web that some poor, unsuspecting spider built from one side of the path to the other in an attempt to catch its morning meal; instead, it caught me, and as I wipe away the silky threads covering my face and arms, I am praying that I don’t have a small hitchhiker to finish up my morning run.

I am now more aware of my surroundings.  I would really like to steer clear of future spider webs.  I notice the sun glistening on several just off the path.  They look like threads of silver strung with tiny diamonds.  And in the middle of each web, a small, orange spider sits waiting for its prey.  As I finish my run, I am amazed at how many webs I see scattered through the woods.  They are countless. 

I can’t help but contemplate the work of these orb spiders and each fragile trap that has been meticulously built in order to survive.  Web building spiders have to rely on these silky, sticky threads for life.  Without a web, the spider cannot eat.  They cannot see well, but they feel the slightest vibration and can interpret it through the movement of the radii.  The web that I destroyed within seconds had been built during the night, when most web building occurs.  Most spiders must rebuild their webs nightly, and as they do, they may eat the remnant of the old web, recycling the silk.  If nothing else, spiders are diligent.  Everyday their webs are destroyed by animals or wind (or errant runners), and yet every night they rebuild.  They have to.  Without such diligence, they would die.

A spider web is designed in such a way that when one strand is broken, the web is actually strengthened. The web is constructed so that the spider will only need to do minor repairs. Winds will blow and small branches will break. The spider has a built in defense mechanism of sorts in order to cope with such issues. They are equipped to handle minor snags.

Marriage is very much like a spider’s web.  It is beautiful and fragile; it requires diligence and sacrifice. Strength has to be built into the very fiber of a union because trials will come; and when they do, strands will be broken. However, if the marriage has been correctly constructed, those troubles will strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.  Our words and actions must be guarded. Within moments, errant words spoken in anger can destroy the magnificent threads that have been intricately spun together. The very thing created to sustain life becomes a tangle of tacky threads clinging to branches while the wind whisks away the remnants of the life you have knit together.

Every day work, family, and finances run through the paths of your life, fighting for attention—attempting to destroy what you have built. And every night, the work of rebuilding what has been lost must be done.  Without the web that has joined you together, the marriage will starve and eventually die due to malnourishment. You must diligently build together what the world destroys daily.

We can learn a great deal from nature and the fragile strength of the spider’s web. Take time to rebuild what is destroyed daily. Be diligent. The life of your marriage depends on the web you weave.

A Virtuous Wife?

I must have emerged from the womb throwing punches with a grudge the size of Texas on my shoulders. I am stubborn, selfish, controlling, confrontational, and do not like to admit when I am wrong. I like it even less when Woody tells me I’m wrong. I am definitely not what God had in mind when detailing the “Virtuous Wife” in Proverbs 31. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was the antithesis. I cannot even begin to explain the frustration that used to well up in me when confronted with this passage.  Had I been appointed editor, I am quite confident that Proverbs 31:10-31 would have been omitted from the Bible. Yet, God knew better.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to be a virtuous wife. I desire to be a woman whom my husband can trust to bring him good, and who will open her mouth with wisdom. Unfortunately, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak, words fly out like little arrows searching for their next victim, wounding the heart and leaving scars. And sometimes it’s just easier to bring evil rather than good.

Why do I struggle so much in this area? Is it because I have never seen unselfish love in the flesh modeled? Is it because I do not trust Woody to always do me good? I have been hurt by him repeatedly, and truth be told, I do not trust him. So, am I justified in my egoism? No.

God loves me unselfishly. He is my example. God is my protection. He is whom I trust. Psalm 84:11 states, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” As long as I am following God, He will protect me. He will not allow harm to come my way. You see, it is not a matter of trusting Woody to be perfect and never say or do anything to cause me pain; it is a matter of trusting God to protect me from Woody’s mistakes.

I am definitely a work in progress. Yet, God is slowly transforming me. I am learning to submit to His will. I am surrendering control. I am biting my tongue. I am yielding to a God who knows me intimately and realizes just how hard it is for me to let go of the grudge I have held for most of my life.  He gives grace and glory.  And as I am changed, my marriage is blessed. Intimacy is restored. The foundation is repaired. Soon, I know, that woman in Proverbs 31 will not be such an unobtainable goal. You see, God has started the makeover. He will transform me into the “Virtuous Wife.” I may have entered the world fighting, but I will go out of it quietly.

Why Is Purity Important for My Future?

Almost every teenage girl has dreamed of the day that she will meet the man of her dreams. Soon afterwards, he will realize that she is the only woman he could ever love, and as he descends to one knee, he will reach into his side coat pocket and expose a black velvet ring box. “Will you marry me?” The answer is always “Yes!” and they live happily ever after.  Or do they?

Growing up on fairy tales and Barbie movies, every little girl has believed in the “happily ever after” scenario at some point in her life. However, reality is no fairy tale and the castles usually crumble shortly after the “I do’s” are whispered and the first dispute arises revealing that you are not married to Prince Charming. Instead you feel as if you kissed your prince and he turned into a toad.  Then children arrive on the scene and the fantasy falls apart. So much for happily ever after.

Marriage is difficult. It requires work and dedication. It is not for the weak. We need to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage with as little baggage as possible. Starting off with a past full of sexual sin and emotional attachments can doom a marriage before the vows are even spoken. You will not have a problem-free marriage; however, you can make decisions now that will improve and strengthen the intimacy you will have with your future husband. Marriage is difficult, but you can make it easier. Choosing a life guided by the principles of purity will increase the odds of your marriage not only surviving but also thriving.

In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines. Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is difficult during the late days of summer and early days of fall. However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time. I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested. We manage to do the same thing with sex. There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed. Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited. Do you want to rob yourself of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of the first embrace? Physical intimacy before marriage deprives you of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, our society has traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment, and we are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused. That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage. There are no gray areas. This is not one of those “disputable” matters. God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

What is God’s plan for physical intimacy?

When God created Adam, he created in Adam’s being a need for human companionship. Read Genesis 2:15-24. In verse 20, what did Adam realize?

Although surrounded by creatures of every kind, Adam was lonely. He had no one of equal status to share his newfound discoveries. God knew this would happen. He had placed within Adam a longing for companionship—the foundation of all relationships. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed a stunning woman from the same materials He had used to make Adam. Adam took one look at Eve and said, “Ah, flesh of my flesh! She will be called woman.” And as they consummated their relationship, they became one. They were married—no ceremony, no license; just God’s blessing. The physical act is what established the union of marriage. What does the Bible say in Genesis 2:24?

I think you know what “one flesh” means. Did you realize that in God’s eyes, sex equals marriage? Let’s take a look at another biblical couple. If you fast forward through the book of Genesis to chapter twenty-four, you will read the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was Abraham’s son, the fulfillment of God’s promise. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant returned to Canaan with Rebekah, Isaac was out in the field meditating. At the same time Isaac saw the servant approaching with the lovely Rebekah, Rebekah noticed him and made inquiries. When she discovered it was her husband to be, she covered herself with her veil (a sign of her virginity). Isaac made his way to the small group and was informed of all that had occurred. This maiden was to be his wife. What happened then? Did they have a time of courtship while planning a lavish wedding? No, because in that time period a ceremony did not constitute marriage. Genesis 24:67 tells us “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife.” That was it! When a man had sexual relations with a woman, he entered into a binding, covenant relationship that could not be undone. This is the union that makes us one. Sex is marriage.

Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.  Did men have the option of having casual sex with unmarried women?

Now read 2 Samuel 13:1-20.  This is the story of Tamar, a beautiful daughter of King David. Her half-brother, Amnon lusted after her to the point he thought it was love. What does Tamar say to Amnon in verse 16 after he has violated her?

Tamar knew that she would no longer be eligible for marriage. Her virginity had been defiled. She was a ruined woman. How does this compare to today’s view of a woman who has had sex before marriage?

How did we get to a point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex? If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.” Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

God’s plan for any type of physical intimacy includes guard rails to keep your life on the right path. The covenant relationship of marriage provides the protection you need. You have been entrusted with a treasure that once given away cannot easily be recovered. Your purity is priceless.

How will choosing purity impact my future?

If marriage is part of your future plans, then how you live right now determines how much intimacy you will have with your future husband. You are building the foundation right now. When you finally meet the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with, you will promise to love, cherish and honor one another until death do you part. This is a covenant relationship. Look up the word “covenant” in the dictionary.  Write the definition.

A covenant is a binding agreement.  It literally means “a coming together.” Think of it as super glue. If you glue paper together and let the adhesive dry, you have created one thick piece of paper. You cannot make it two again without causing damage to the individual pieces. The paper is ruined if you try to tear it apart. That word picture should help you to better understand what God had in mind when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

Can you join together with someone emotionally or physically and break away from that intimate relationship without being damaged? Explain your answer.

When two pieces of paper have been joined together, it is impossible to tear them apart without leaving small remnants of each piece behind on the other piece. When you make emotional and physical attachments, you cannot break off a relationship without leaving a part of you behind. How much of “you” do you want to offer to your husband? How much of your husband do you want him to offer you? Think about that question for a moment and then answer it honestly.

Those leftover pieces have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times.  They have a nasty habit of developing into full grown road blocks that obstruct the path which leads to intimacy in marriage.  Only you have the power to choose a lifestyle right now which will keep your course clear.

I realize that the society in which you live bombards you daily with hyper-sexualized images. The world’s standards are nonexistent when it comes to purity. “You only live once!” You have been taught to expect instant gratification. Why wait when you can have it all now? The “live in the moment” mindset dominates the decision making process of generations y and z.  However, you must realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your choices have consequences; and just because you cannot easily visualize the effects of the choices you make today, do not think for a moment that you have escaped them. Whether you pay now or later, you will pay.

What do you think some of the costs are of not choosing purity as a lifestyle?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage. The beauty of what God has in store is stolen. God created sex and the way He planned it is better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine. It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in the movies being released in record number that are aimed at teenage viewers. It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine. It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt. There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension. That is how God designed it. Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?

Do no buy into the terrible lies the world will feed you. Society’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned something that should be treasured and preserved into a form of self-indulgent entertainment. You will suffer great loss by believing the propaganda that is being hurled at you through music, movies, and social media. The relationship you long to have with the man to whom you will pledge your life is dependent upon the choices you make now. Choose wisely knowing that the foundation of your future is being laid right now.

My Book

Many people spend a lifetime searching for intimacy—intimacy with parents, with friends, and eventually with a spouse. Yet sometimes the road to intimacy is littered with debris from our past, and we find ourselves immobilized by our fears and failures. How do we escape the consequences of our unwise choices? How do we move into the future when our past has obstructed the way? Can spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy be restored to a marriage which seems on the verge of destruction?

These were the questions I found myself asking seven years ago. My marriage was on the verge of destruction, when I found myself on my knees pleading with God to reveal the answers to me. I didn’t realize that the journey would begin with me as God began to expose my shortcomings. Ever so slowly, God took my hand in His as He guided me on a journey that led to complete intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical.

This book was written as a study guide for women who find themselves in a battle as they try to build or discover intimacy in marriage. It answers the questions which God answered for me.  It is God’s desire to breathe new life into your marriage.  Change is never easy, especially when it begins within. However, with God leading the way, you will break free from your fears and move into His glorious light.  You will be rewarded with what every married couple has desired at some point during their lives—to be more personally connected with their spouses—one of the most important relationships they will ever have.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413718031&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Marriage Takes Work

“I won’t have any problems in my marriage,” my 19 year old informs me.  I try not to laugh, but his statement is so naïve—so ludicrous—that I can’t control the chuckle that escapes me.

“Every marriage has problems.  It’s the nature of the beast.  It is impossible to bring two people together from completely different backgrounds with different life experiences, different temperaments—not to mention the difficulties that arise from just being different genders—and try to live as one. In fact, it is nearly impossible. “

“Well, you and Dad seemed to make it work.”

“Only because we never wanted a divorce at the same time.” 

And that is the reality of marriage.  Matrimony can be messy. It takes work and dedication. It takes perseverance. It takes humility. But most importantly, it takes faith.  Marriage is the most difficult and the most rewarding relationship you will ever be in. However, it doesn’t just “happen.” Like any living thing, it needs to be nourished and nurtured. Without those elements, it will die.

Many people look upon my marriage and imagine that Woody and I have it all figured out.  We get along so well and we never complain. Heck, I wrote a book about intimacy, so I must have it all figured out, right? Wrong. Marriage never survives on cruise control. In fact, it will crash and burn with devastating results. Every day, we must dedicate our lives to living inside of God’s will for our union; and every day, we must both commit ourselves to the demanding role of “spouse.”

If you are looking for the fairy tale ending, marriage will disappoint. If you are disillusioned enough to believe that marriage can be trouble free, think again. Anyone who tells you he or she has an effortless marriage is lying. Marriage takes determination, but through the struggle comes satisfaction and great reward.

A Letter to Teen Girls Concerning Intimacy

Dear Beautiful Young Lady,

Developing an exclusive relationship with someone before you are spiritually, emotionally, and financially prepared to commit to marriage is morally wrong. The Bible is very clear that love must be sincere.  Strong emotional attachments lead to physical intimacy which is never condoned by God before marriage. I have seen too many young couples  who have become emotionally intimate struggle to keep from becoming physically intimate, a temptation that never would have been an issue had they remained friends. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, teens who are dating exclusively are more likely to have sex earlier than teens who do not.  

Every time a young person becomes emotionally intimate with another person, she is giving satan ammunition to use against her later in life once she is married and enduring the very real and normal struggles that come from being married. Satan will bring that person from the past into the present and start asking, “What if…?” questions. Every attachment provides more ammunition. Every attachment starts to wear away at the guard rails God put into place to protect the emotional intimacy in a marriage.  Every time you give your heart away, you give away a part of you that you can never get back. You are stealing all those “firsts” from your future spouse—first love, first hug, first spark, first kiss.  Developing romantic love and loyalty with a young man is like living out one of the privileges of marriage without the responsibility of being married. It also tends to quickly move a relationship toward physical intimacy. Also, shouldn’t that exclusive emotional attachment be reserved for your future husband?

I am saying all of this because I ask and I pray that you consider the risks of emotional attachments that may or may not lead to marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart as you develop any relationship. Make friendship the goal, not romance. Think of your future spouse at all times and whether or not you will feel completely comfortable in the future revealing every aspect of your relationship with him. He should never feel as if he has lost a part of you to another man. Your heart belongs wholly to him.

I do apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. That is not my intent. My goal is to ensure that you go into your marriage someday completely pure emotionally and physically.  You are building the foundation for intimacy in your marriage right now. Let that foundation be built on the Rock, by living out the principles He has placed within His word to allow you success.

Blessings,

Kim