It’s 2:00 a.m. I thought I was
finished reaching over to your side of the bed searching for the warmth of your
body. But here I am. My hand glides across the cool sheet finding emptiness,
and I remember. Today is our wedding anniversary—a day we would have celebrated
with joy as we did every year. We realized the value in celebrating another
year of dedication. Marriage is work! It doesn’t just “happen.” We both
understood this concept better than most. We had toiled through years of
drought and plenty to glean the harvest we were finally reaping.
You loved to celebrate. I wonder
how we would have celebrated our day. Last year we spent the weekend in Chapel
Hill. You surprised me with a new wedding ring to replace the one that I had
lost. “Let’s hope I don’t lose this one, or at least not for another 20 years!”
I teased. We laughed. We loved. We lived. You were my joy and my security. You
made every day a celebration. I knew how blessed I was to commemorate another year
of marriage with you. You asked me once again where I wanted to go to mark our
20th wedding anniversary. We decided on New Zealand. You loved to
celebrate, but you loved “us” even more.
Today will not be a celebration,
but I will remember—I will remember a lifetime of love built on a foundation of
faith. I will honor you by continuing to push through the pain and find
laughter. I will survive. Although half of my heart died May 10, 2015, I must
live on. I will find joy in our children and the memories you gave.
Happy anniversary…well, not
happy, but it is not cheerless. I miss you, but I am so grateful for the love we
shared. I will never forget.
For now, my life may feel as if I
am reaching into the empty darkness, yet I know I am not alone. God has carried
me every step of the way and today will be no exception. Perhaps someday the
pain will subside enough that I will find a way in which to mark our
anniversary once again with laughter and love. For now, I just need to breathe
and remember to live.
