A Letter to Teen Girls Concerning Intimacy

Dear Beautiful Young Lady,

Developing an exclusive relationship with someone before you are spiritually, emotionally, and financially prepared to commit to marriage is morally wrong. The Bible is very clear that love must be sincere.  Strong emotional attachments lead to physical intimacy which is never condoned by God before marriage. I have seen too many young couples  who have become emotionally intimate struggle to keep from becoming physically intimate, a temptation that never would have been an issue had they remained friends. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, teens who are dating exclusively are more likely to have sex earlier than teens who do not.  

Every time a young person becomes emotionally intimate with another person, she is giving satan ammunition to use against her later in life once she is married and enduring the very real and normal struggles that come from being married. Satan will bring that person from the past into the present and start asking, “What if…?” questions. Every attachment provides more ammunition. Every attachment starts to wear away at the guard rails God put into place to protect the emotional intimacy in a marriage.  Every time you give your heart away, you give away a part of you that you can never get back. You are stealing all those “firsts” from your future spouse—first love, first hug, first spark, first kiss.  Developing romantic love and loyalty with a young man is like living out one of the privileges of marriage without the responsibility of being married. It also tends to quickly move a relationship toward physical intimacy. Also, shouldn’t that exclusive emotional attachment be reserved for your future husband?

I am saying all of this because I ask and I pray that you consider the risks of emotional attachments that may or may not lead to marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart as you develop any relationship. Make friendship the goal, not romance. Think of your future spouse at all times and whether or not you will feel completely comfortable in the future revealing every aspect of your relationship with him. He should never feel as if he has lost a part of you to another man. Your heart belongs wholly to him.

I do apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. That is not my intent. My goal is to ensure that you go into your marriage someday completely pure emotionally and physically.  You are building the foundation for intimacy in your marriage right now. Let that foundation be built on the Rock, by living out the principles He has placed within His word to allow you success.

Blessings,

Kim

What Does God Have To Do With Intimacy, Part 2

Read Genesis 2:8-25.  In verse 18 what does God say is not good for man?

God immediately recognized Adam’s need for companionship—that it was not good for man to be alone.  God had brought all of the animals to Adam, but Adam had not been able to find a companion comparable to him.

Take another look at Genesis 2:23.  What does Adam recognize immediately concerning his relationship with the woman?  He immediately realized that Eve was a part of him, the intimate connection was made.   What does it mean to you to become “one flesh?”

There is an intimacy in becoming “one flesh” that we have lost sight of in today’s society.  Since the “sexual revolution” we no longer understand the tender familiarity that should take place between a husband and a wife when they become “one flesh.”  It should be a sweet mystery to be discovered within the protective bonds of a marriage.

Verse twenty-five reads, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”  I love that visual!  To stand before each other, completely exposed, vulnerable in every sense and to experience no shame, no threat of wrongdoing by the other, to completely trust!  Have you ever stood in front of your husband completely naked, literally and figuratively?  If you have never been able to stand before your husband utterly defenseless in your nakedness, what has prevented you from doing so?

Marriage was created on the sixth day in the Garden of Eden.  God’s plan was for a man and a woman to become one and in doing so, stand unashamed before Him and each other entirely stripped of all pretenses, trusting, loving, and knowing.  We can’t genuinely know another until we have stood before him without any barriers blocking our view.

In Genesis 24:62-66 we can read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Rebekah was an answer to prayer.  She went willingly with Abraham’s servant away from all that she loved and knew to marry a man whom she had never met.  All she truly knew was that he was a man of God.  In this passage we are invited to take a glimpse into that first meeting.  We see Rebekah climbing down from her camel and covering herself.  You can almost picture Isaac taking her in, realizing God’s choice for his life.  And then verse 66 says it all, “he married Rebekah…and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”  She was his comfort, his love, his answer to prayer.  He took her into his tent without any shame, without any deception.  They became one flesh and completely understood what it meant to be in a covenant, intimate relationship with a spouse. 

Again, we see God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage.  We should be comforted and loved.  Exposed and trusting.  These two passages do not even begin to encompass all that God has planned for us as His children.  How excited I was to discover God’s purpose for my marriage!  He has the same plans for you and your marriage.  Think on that for a moment…God wants you to find love, trust, and comfort.  Do you trust God to fulfill His intentions for your marriage?  If not, ask Him now to give you the faith to know He is a God of purpose and promise.

“Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love.  Thank you for planning my life and letting the union with my spouse be a part of Your plan.  Help me to trust Your goals for my marriage.  Let me feel Your loving presence within my home, constantly holding me up and reassuring me.  In Jesus’ holy name I pray.   Amen”   

Sex Is Hateful

So many people young and old choose to have sex outside of marriage. We are a nation where freedom to choose is flaunted as the distinguishing factor that separates us from inferior cultures.  We may choose to engage in any activity—within the boundaries of the law—even if it is dangerous and destructive. During the sexual revolution we were “liberated” from Judeo-Christian standards which taught that sex outside of marriage was a “sin.” Now we live in a modern society where each man may adopt whatever moral standard he chooses, which means “sin” is an antiquated idea spoken by religious fanatics.  So, the choice to have pre- or extra-marital sex should not come as a surprise to anyone nor should it be spoken against.  However, that is exactly what I intend to do.

Sex is hateful.  It is a physical activity devoid of emotion or commitment. It is about self-gratification, full of lust and devoid of love.  It is a passionate act in which self-control has been disregarded or never existed.  It thinks only of the moment and never of the consequences.  Sex was never part of God’s design.  However, intimacy was and is.  By God’s design, physical intimacy was meant to bind two people together for life as one unit. The act itself was the covenant which made man and woman husband and wife. Making love was and is supposed to be just that—an extension and expression of a married couple’s love.   So why are we short-changing our lives and settling for sex?

Girls, the only way to ensure that sex is not merely a physical act—that it truly is love making—is to wait until he promises not only to have you but to also hold you through sickness and health, through the valleys as well as the mountain top experiences. If he really loves you, he will want to wait and completely commit.  Look at King David’s daughter, Tamar, in 2 Samuel 13.  If you read the story, you will learn that Amnon desired Tamar.  Amnon had sex with Tamar and then threw her away, wasted goods. He stole her youth, beauty, and innocence.  There was nothing left for Tamar to give. Amnon had taken the most valuable thing from her.  Yet, he had sworn he was “in love” and would die without her. However, as soon as he had taken her, he hated her as much as he had claimed to love her. Sex without the sacrifice of commitment is cruel and hateful.

Lust is not love.  It will fade. True love waits and is unwavering.  Why would someone ask you to wait for marriage but yet not expect to wait for physical intimacy? How is that love?  True love commits.  So, what will you choose, a moment of physical pleasure or a lifetime of committed love? 

Pastor Kevin Myers of 12Stone church just co-authored a book with John Maxwell titled,  Home Run.  In the book, life is compared to a baseball diamond.  One must run to first base before he continues on to second, third, and then home.  Although we may laugh in little league to see the batter run to third base first, Kevin points out that beyond little league, it is no longer humorous.  However, in life that is exactly what we have done—we continue to run the bases backwards and wonder why we are left feeling empty and depressed by time we reach home plate.

While listening to Pastor Kevin Myers’ analogy this past Sunday, I realized that the same thing has been done when it comes to intimacy.  We have run the bases backwards.  In today’s society a couple is almost encouraged to become physically intimate upon the first date.  Sex is crammed down our throats through every venue possible—movies, television programming, commercials, magazines, music, books, etc.  The list is exhaustive!  The expectation is that a couple should have sex before marriage.  Third base has become first.

Once a couple has had sex, then they work on developing a friendship.  Yet, these friendships are superficial; there is no authenticity.  Even so, the couple—usually one party more than the other—will cling to this relationship because they know deep down that sex is an act of the utmost intimacy.  They desperately want to cultivate a committed friendship which will eventually lead to marriage.  Second base is challenging to reach.

If the couple ends up surviving this second step of the game, many times they do marry and, like in my case, after the marriage many discover God and forge a relationship with Him.  Then the task of developing spiritual intimacy begins.  After building on the physical as the foundation for the relationship, this is the most difficult step.  It requires complete disclosure.  All the masks must come off, and many times, we do not like what is revealed.  We realize we married someone we never would have chosen had we been in relationship with God at the time.  First base is nearly impossible.

If we would just run the bases as God designed, the game would go according to plan and reaching the next base would be the most natural progression.  When will we realize we cannot continue to run the bases backwards?  We cannot build intimacy with a physical bond as the adhesive.  It will never be strong enough to hold together the relationship when the storms of life come crashing through our doors.  Intimacy must be built with God as the foundation.  After that, the friendship follows, then the love making.  And what is home plate?  Fulfilling, delightful intimacy!

I want to continue my conversation with young women about purity. 

Over the years, I have had the pleasure of serving middle school students in our church.  Often I have posed the question, “What is purity?” The most common answer I have received to this question is not to have sex before marriage.  This is only partly right. What about everything that can occur between holding hands and intercourse?

First, let us take a look at the literal definition of the word.  The dictionary defines purity as “freedom from adulterating matter; cleanness or clearness; freedom from evil or sin; innocence; chastity”[1]  Since chastity is mentioned in the definition, I feel it is also important to define this word.  Chastity is “virtuousness; sexual abstinence; celibacy; decency or modesty.”[2]  Both of these words are associated with moral excellence and being undefiled.  It is vital that we understand this virtue in order to experience boundless intimacy within marriage and with God.  We have to get this right!

When I think of pure as an adjective, the first thing that comes to mind is pure love.  I can honestly say my love for God is pure.  As a mother, I also think about the love I have for my children.  There is something amazingly perfect about holding an infant upon your chest while he or she sleeps and listening to the gentle breathing and gazing upon the pouty lips and upturned nose.  This type of love is not clouded with ulterior motives or selfishness.  1 Corinthians 13, in the Bible is often referred to as the “love chapter.”  In it we are told that love is patient, kind, without jealousy, humble, without boasting, considerate, not easily angered, forgiving, truthful, protecting, trusting, and never failing.  Did you notice that not one sexual reference is included in that description?  In fact, you would not dare have a sensual thought about an infant or toddler!  That would be perverted; it is absolutely unthinkable!  How could there be anything pure about that?  Ah!  Now we are getting somewhere.  How is even having a sexual thought synonymous with pure love?  It’s not.

Purity is not a physical condition.  It is a state of mind.  Lusting is not pure! We know the power of the mind can do some amazing things; but on the other hand, it can also wreak havoc in a life.  Thus purity has to start in a place where no one else can see, a place where it is easy to hide our desires and dreams.  We fantasize and never even realize how it is slowly stealing something very precious from us.  Many times a girl loses her virginity before she even crawls into bed with someone.

I have spoken to more than one young lady who thinks passionately kissing a young man with her body pressed against his was okay.  After all, she was physically pure, and never in a million years would she have sex without being married.  I have always asked the young woman in question, “What were you thinking while you were making out?  More importantly, what do you think he was thinking?”  I can guarantee you he wasn’t thinking about how smart she was or what a pretty smile she had.  No, on the contrary!  Do you want a boy mentally undressing you and having sex with you during what you believe is an innocent romp? Being the mother of two teenage boys I can assure you that when a young lady is pressed against a young man, he is aware of every curve of her body and it does arouse him.  Is that fair to either one of you?  Are you remaining pure?  Are you allowing him to maintain his purity?

Your purity is a precious, beautiful gift to bestow upon your husband.  When you get to the altar and pledge your devotion to the love of your life, how much of your purity do you want to give?  How much do you want to receive?  Protect this gem at all costs, and remember the battle begins in the mind.

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[1] Victoria Neufeldt, editor in chief, Webster’s New World College Dictionary, Third Edition, (Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1997), p. 1092

[2] Victoria Neufeldt, editor in chief, Webster’s New World College Dictionary, Third Edition, (Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1997), p. 237

While researching the topic of sexuality and empowerment, I was shocked by what many highly educated experts have to say.  I have come to the realization that just because you have a PhD in psychology does not necessarily mean your opinions are correct.  Our society has moved so far away from the truth that it is frightening.  There is definitely a very liberal agenda being pushed through our educational system.

 

Most “authorities” on the subject of a woman’s sexuality all agree that a woman should listen to her “vagina.”  If she wants to explore her sexuality, she should do so with whomever she happens to be emotionally and spiritually drawn to at the moment.  The impression is that this willingness to be completely aware of one’s own sexuality and to be able to act upon it empowers one in a way nothing else will.   Miki Kashtan, Ph.D., in an article titled “Sex, Vulnerability, and Power,”[1] put it this way:

 “I saw and felt that sexual attraction was essentially a willingness to expose a certain vulnerability to a person. In that sense, I saw attraction as a deep choice rather than a thing that happens. I had an inkling that on some level perhaps any person could be sexual with any other person, if that choice and opening become possible. Recognizing the choice, I decided to exercise it, and noticed myself opening up to the possibility with that woman. I don't remember ever before or since being so fully aware of choice, and therefore power, in the experiences of sharing sexually with anyone.”

In a moment full of sexual tension, Dr. Kashtan felt empowered because she “chose” to give in to those feelings.  How is that empowering?  I may be wrong, but how is what I conceive to be a lack of self-control demonstrating one’s power? As a woman, I find it offensive that practicing my choice to be sexually active with whomever I choose is the act one considers to empower me.  And this coming from a fellow female!  Just because you feel sexually aroused does not necessarily mean you should act upon those feelings.  Giving in to our carnal desires is not demonstrating discipline.  Discipline practiced in a life is what empowers someone.  Learning to control our primal urges is invigorating.  If one were to follow Dr. Kashtan’s advice, she would soon find herself feeling powerless.  Choosing to share sexually with someone is not the same thing as having control. 

This logic could lead to a valid argument for pedophiles.  “But a child does not have a choice,” you may counter.  Yet, a 14 year old girl can make the decision to have a sexual relationship with a 50 year old man.  Does that mean we should accept the relationship because both have chosen to share sexually?  Of course not!  Although the 14 year old may make the conscious decision to be in such a relationship, most would agree that the man would be taking advantage of someone who has yet to discover who she is.  This is not a relationship of equals. 

However, is any physical relationship before marriage truly about equality?  Usually, one is more emotionally committed than the other.  There is a duplicity that exists when two single people choose to engage in sexual activity.  Therefore, one is always at a disadvantage, just as in the aforementioned case.  Sex within marriage places two individuals on equal ground.  Protection is built into the wedding vows and the laws of our country.

Premarital sex does not empower, yet it may very well enslave you.  Self-indulgence does not equal control.  Choose to live a disciplined life rather than a life bowed to desire.

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[1] http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/acquired-spontaneity/201312/sex-vulnerability-and-power, Acquired Spontaneity, Miki Kashtan, Ph.D., December 6, 2013