While searching for our American flag today, I had to stop
myself from calling Woody to ask where it is. For a moment, I forgot. For a
moment, I was a devoted wife whose husband was once again out of town on
business. For a moment, life was normal. But my moment was very short lived as
the floodgates opened and I remembered that my loving husband was tragically
ripped from my life exactly two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I stood on a mountain
trail, watching as EMT’s struggled to stabilize Woody so that he could be
lifted on a board to where the life flight crew waited. Two weeks ago I stood
pleading with God to spare Woody’s life and bring about a miracle. Two weeks
ago, God said no.
I still do not understand why this is my story. Why is this my
incident to record? Why have I been appointed author to a tragedy? I wanted to
create a romantic comedy, with a few glitches here and there. This was not the
story I wanted to write. This is not the story I should write. Yet, here I am
penning my thoughts, recording my tears, relaying my fears. And still, I lack
understanding.
I am leery of the future. I cannot imagine living life solo.
My partner is gone. The one who annoyed me with his sarcasm while I was
attempting to have a serious conversation will never again laugh at my
frustration. The one who cheered me on through all of my creative endeavors
even when he hated what I had created will never again cringe at one of my
paintings. The one who held my hand every night while I drifted off to sleep
will never again cup my hands in his. The one who calmed me and held me through
the storms of life will never again assure me of peace. However, I am not
without hope. Yes, my future looks lonely without Woody. Yet, I will never be
alone.
I could not find the flag today. Still, what I did find in
the moment after reality hit was a peace as God held me in His arms and
comforted my soul. I found rest as God reminded me that He knows my pain and
not once throughout this whole ordeal has He left my side. I may never
understand why God said no up on that mountain peak—nor will I ever stop hating
that “no.” Nevertheless, I will always know that I am deeply loved by a God who
will continue to embrace me while I grieve through this storm.
