From "We" to "Me"

Today is a struggle. While out for my morning run, my mind drifted to us. I thought of how we had celebrated when the year 2014 was over. It had been a year of personal and professional challenges. You had lost your job of fifteen years with a company and people you loved. It took eight long, stressful months before you found a new position which offered the opportunity for a new career. We celebrated all that 2015 would bring, knowing that it would be a year of promise and peace.

Working in Raleigh was tough. You, a family man to the core, had to be away from home five to six nights every week. Yet, we tried to make the most of every minute we had together. The best weeks were the ones when the kids and I joined you in North Carolina. We explored the area we knew was to be our new home. We tried different restaurants and boutiques. We laughed. We were building the foundation for a new life in a new city. We were excited to join you full time. We researched the different suburbs until we settled on Chapel Hill. We had it all planned out. We were once again developing dreams of a new future, one that would see the kids moving out and into lives of their own. We thought of future marriages and grandchildren. We were excited to grow old together. And everything was centered on “we”.

There is no “we” anymore. It hit me like a brick smashing into my thoughts and fragmenting every hope I had for the future. How do I do this without you? How can I grow old when it will no longer be “we”? I can barely even get out of bed in the morning; so how do I walk into the future without the love of my life standing beside me, affectionately holding my hand? We were one, and now half of me has died. I left my sarcastic, jovial, gregarious half on the summit of Mt. Yonah. I am truly feeling lost without you. How is it possible that on one fateful day life was drastically altered and went from "we" to "me'?

I love you, Woody. Death cannot defeat love, nor can it steal the lifetime of memories you gave. I will, with God’s loving assistance, walk through this valley until I am once again standing in the light.  I know that eventually I will grow accustomed to the loneliness of “me,” but even then I will always miss the fulfillment of  “we.” 

For a Moment

While searching for our American flag today, I had to stop myself from calling Woody to ask where it is. For a moment, I forgot. For a moment, I was a devoted wife whose husband was once again out of town on business. For a moment, life was normal. But my moment was very short lived as the floodgates opened and I remembered that my loving husband was tragically ripped from my life exactly two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I stood on a mountain trail, watching as EMT’s struggled to stabilize Woody so that he could be lifted on a board to where the life flight crew waited. Two weeks ago I stood pleading with God to spare Woody’s life and bring about a miracle. Two weeks ago, God said no.

I still do not understand why this is my story. Why is this my incident to record? Why have I been appointed author to a tragedy? I wanted to create a romantic comedy, with a few glitches here and there. This was not the story I wanted to write. This is not the story I should write. Yet, here I am penning my thoughts, recording my tears, relaying my fears. And still, I lack understanding.

I am leery of the future. I cannot imagine living life solo. My partner is gone. The one who annoyed me with his sarcasm while I was attempting to have a serious conversation will never again laugh at my frustration. The one who cheered me on through all of my creative endeavors even when he hated what I had created will never again cringe at one of my paintings. The one who held my hand every night while I drifted off to sleep will never again cup my hands in his. The one who calmed me and held me through the storms of life will never again assure me of peace. However, I am not without hope. Yes, my future looks lonely without Woody. Yet, I will never be alone.

I could not find the flag today. Still, what I did find in the moment after reality hit was a peace as God held me in His arms and comforted my soul. I found rest as God reminded me that He knows my pain and not once throughout this whole ordeal has He left my side. I may never understand why God said no up on that mountain peak—nor will I ever stop hating that “no.” Nevertheless, I will always know that I am deeply loved by a God who will continue to embrace me while I grieve through this storm.

Patient Love

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails." 1 Cor. 13:4-8a (NIV)

As a wife and mother, I need a daily reminder of what love should look like in our home.  As I read over 1 Corinthians 13, I realize that we are nowhere near hitting the mark on this one.  While I snap at Woody as he disrupts my daily routine with a simple request (hmmm...there goes the "not easily angered" part), I am made painfully aware of the fact that we are struggling to really love each other.  We keep score, we're impatient, our impatience leads to rudeness, and most of the time (truth be told) we're self-seeking.

So how in the world do we learn to love?  Can we love as defined in these few verses?

I must start by looking inward at how I love.  Is the love God loves me with being transferred to the world around me and, most importantly, to my family?  Honestly?  Not so much.  I struggle with the patient part of loving.  And if I dig down deep, I can see that my impatience is rooted in a self-seeking attitude.  I have my ideal life all planned out, and for some reason everyone around me isn't falling into place and taking his or her part seriously.  "What's wrong with you?" I often ponder.  "Didn't you get the script?  This is NOT how I planned it!"

Yes, I'm very self-seeking.  Therefore, I am not really loving as I should be.  If I want love to reign within my home, I must let it reign within my heart first.  One can't teach something he doesn't know how to do himself.

Loving is hard!  It means living for someone or something else.  Who am I living for?  If the answer is "me", what's the point?  What's to be gained in a life lived to benefit one?

I quickly find myself on my knees pleading for help, realizing I can't love honestly and unselfishly without divine help.  Once love is made perfect within me, perhaps then it will be made perfect within my marriage and within my family.

(Just a reminder, if you find that my writings have helped you in anyway, you may want to purchase my book, Finding Intimacy in Marriage: A Spiritual, Emotional and Physical Journey, available on Amazon.com)

The Balance of Life

From March 25, 2012

Life hangs in such a fragile balance, ready to tip in either direction at any time. God taught me that last April. He gave me a whole new understanding of His compassion and mercy. He taught me that every breath that we will ever breathe is His. He alone holds our lives—and the capacity at which we live that life—in His hands. I own nothing; I know that more clearly today than I have ever known it.

We had been standing on our new neighbor’s front steps introducing ourselves to their family when all of a sudden I heard something unusual and turned to see my then 14 year old son fall backwards down the stone steps that just moments before he had been standing on. He landed with his head on the concrete sidewalk and his body contorted and stiff. His eyes were rolled back in his head and he was completely oblivious to the world around him. As I rushed to his side the thought that was rushing through my mind was, “He must have hit hard enough to cause head trauma!” And then after looking at the position of his body, I had to ask myself, “Did he break his neck?”

“Hunter!” I shouted his name over and over to no response. His arms were bent and stiff, not a normal position for someone that had merely fainted. For the longest five to ten seconds of my life he was unresponsive. When he regained consciousness, he was disoriented and without memory of anything that had happened prior to the fall. The neighbors helped me walk him slowly to our house where we continued to assess his condition. He could not remember even items that we knew should have been stored in long-term memory. Since he had hit his head, we worried about head trauma even though there was no external sign of injury. After about an hour of observing his confused state, we made the decision to take him to the emergency room.

By the time we arrived at the hospital, Hunter’s condition had improved; and by the time the doctor examined him, all of his memory, except for the hour prior to his fall, had returned. They performed every test imaginable on him—complete blood work up, CAT, EEG, blood pressure, UA, etc. Everything came back within normal ranges. They sent us home as puzzled as we were as to what had occurred.

I walked out of that hospital with a sense of complete amazement. As the images of Hunter’s fall played over and over in my mind, the one thing I realized was God’s protection had placed Hunter gently at the base of those stone steps. God’s hand had held Hunter’s head as he landed on the concrete sidewalk and prevented him from serious injury. Things could have been so much different. The impact of the fall could have easily caused him to break his neck or could have caused serious head trauma. Neither had taken place.

As I woke the following morning I realized that I could have been waking up to completely different results. I realized how precious life is and how little control I have over it. I realized, too, that my children were not mine, but a gift from God. As I went through my devotion that morning, three words came to mind—compassion, understanding, and tolerance. Carefully, I went through the Bible searching for verses that speak of God’s compassion. The Old Testament and the New Testament are full of statements exclaiming God’s mercy and compassion for those who love Him. I was overwhelmed as I realized that what I had received the previous night was just that—God’s compassion, understanding, and tolerance. He has tolerated my sin, He has understood my fallen nature, and when I was in pain, fearful for my dear son’s health, He had demonstrated compassion beyond comprehension. I am so undeserving of such amazing love!

We have since learned through follow-up testing (a couple days later, they called to inform us that the radiologist had found something on the CAT, that required further testing) that Hunter has a seizure disorder and a venous malformation in the left parietal lobe of his brain. We made the prayerful decision not to medicate him in spite of his neurologist’s recommendations, and he has been seizure free since that fateful day in April, another sign of God’s endless mercy.

I praise God for what I was given that night—a deeper sense of whom God really is, a deeper sense of what it means to be shown compassion. He felt my pain and knew my fear and responded with loving kindness. And even though the scales seem to be tipped in our favor for now, I know how quickly that can change; but I also know that God is holding every breath of our lives in His very capable, loving hands.

Encourage More

Driving home this morning, I found myself behind a rather grimy semi. On the back of the trailer, someone had written in the dirt, “Encourage more.”  “What a lovely thought,” I said to myself; but then I started thinking about it. When was the last time I encouraged someone? Whom did I encourage? I wasn’t quite as fond of my answers as I thought I would be. I realized that the majority of the encouragement I provide is given to those who are not within my own family. Next on the list are my children. And who is last? Woody, the man to whom I vowed to cherish and honor. The person who should be first.

I know how hard it is sometimes to say something kind and inspiring to your spouse. Usually, when you do find time during the day to exchange ideas, your conversation is full of details—kids’ schedules, work, meal plans, bills, and a thousand other particulars. We are so preoccupied with keeping everything running smoothly that we fail to see that disregarding the most important detail—your spouse—can derail the whole train.  How hard is it to squeeze in a few words of encouragement along with all the information that a couple must share during the course of a day?

“I love the way you provide for our family. You are so helpful. You are such an honorable man. Thank you for being a godly example for our children.” These are only a few phrases that might encourage your partner in life and love. Make a list of positive phrases you might say to your spouse; and the next time you speak, throw one in. I have made my list and am ready to use it. 

Encourage more.  And to think that a dirty semi could teach me a life lesson.

A Virtuous Wife?

I must have emerged from the womb throwing punches with a grudge the size of Texas on my shoulders. I am stubborn, selfish, controlling, confrontational, and do not like to admit when I am wrong. I like it even less when Woody tells me I’m wrong. I am definitely not what God had in mind when detailing the “Virtuous Wife” in Proverbs 31. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was the antithesis. I cannot even begin to explain the frustration that used to well up in me when confronted with this passage.  Had I been appointed editor, I am quite confident that Proverbs 31:10-31 would have been omitted from the Bible. Yet, God knew better.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to be a virtuous wife. I desire to be a woman whom my husband can trust to bring him good, and who will open her mouth with wisdom. Unfortunately, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak, words fly out like little arrows searching for their next victim, wounding the heart and leaving scars. And sometimes it’s just easier to bring evil rather than good.

Why do I struggle so much in this area? Is it because I have never seen unselfish love in the flesh modeled? Is it because I do not trust Woody to always do me good? I have been hurt by him repeatedly, and truth be told, I do not trust him. So, am I justified in my egoism? No.

God loves me unselfishly. He is my example. God is my protection. He is whom I trust. Psalm 84:11 states, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” As long as I am following God, He will protect me. He will not allow harm to come my way. You see, it is not a matter of trusting Woody to be perfect and never say or do anything to cause me pain; it is a matter of trusting God to protect me from Woody’s mistakes.

I am definitely a work in progress. Yet, God is slowly transforming me. I am learning to submit to His will. I am surrendering control. I am biting my tongue. I am yielding to a God who knows me intimately and realizes just how hard it is for me to let go of the grudge I have held for most of my life.  He gives grace and glory.  And as I am changed, my marriage is blessed. Intimacy is restored. The foundation is repaired. Soon, I know, that woman in Proverbs 31 will not be such an unobtainable goal. You see, God has started the makeover. He will transform me into the “Virtuous Wife.” I may have entered the world fighting, but I will go out of it quietly.

Stretched But Not Distorted

The holiday season is upon us, and I for one feel as if I am drowning in a sea of presents which still need to be purchased and cookies which still need to be baked. The house is in disarray and there is a list of tasks which need to be completed so that we can put our house on the market in preparation of moving to another state. We will have house guests for two weeks over Christmas, and the guest room is full of wrapped and unwrapped presents, ribbons, and bows. Throw in one absentee husband and three teenagers and “Presto!”—the perfect recipe for a migraine. Novartis, I will be investing in your company this year. If nothing else, I am doing my fair share to keep your company afloat as I procure as many bottles of Excedrin Migraine as I can safely consume. 

I feel as if I am a rubber band which has reached its elastic limit. Hooke’s law states that when an object is acted upon by a force, it will bend, stretch, or compress.  Once the force is removed, the object will return to its original shape. Elastic will stretch until it has reached its limit. Beyond that, it will be deformed and never return to its original shape. Yes. That is exactly how I feel right now. Stretched and on the brink of being buckled into an unrecognizable version of myself. Yet somehow, another day passes and my sanity is intact. My children are alive. My husband still loves me. How? God.

Without my faith I would flounder. It is my foundation and my strength. It is my sanity and my substance. Instead of panic, I know peace. Also, there is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when a rubber band is stretched—the molecules (polymers) in the rubber become aligned. They themselves are under no stress whatsoever. When the rubber band is at rest, the molecules are tangled with no real order. I am being stretched, but at the same time, my life is becoming aligned with God’s will as I learn to rely on Him during these uncertain, chaotic times.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, as long as you remember that being stretched can bring order and develop strength. And God will never allow you to be stretched beyond your elastic limit.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Get Up!

“Get up!” Saul was on the road to Damascus when he met Jesus. Lying face down on the ground, Jesus commanded him to get up and go. Saul did as he was instructed and his life was transformed. When we rise from our circumstances, God can move in our lives. However, we have to get up first.

“Get up!” I hear that imperative once more and I cringe. I don’t want to get up, and I certainly don’t want to move. I finally feel as if our family has established some roots, and now we have to rip them up and endure another transplant. I want to dig down deeper, stuff dirt in my ears, and pretend that command was meant for someone else.

“Get up!” I drag my feet. I’m tired. I whimper a little more. My two-year old, temper-tantrum throwing alter ego is revealing her disagreeable self. And yet, God demonstrates infinite patience. He waits while I whine. He comforts through my complaints.

“Get up!”  We grow comfortable, fall asleep, become paralyzed by our fears, and immobilized by our sins. We need to stand up and get going. So, like it or not, I will get up and go. I will let God move my family and wait while He once again moves in my life.

My Book

Many people spend a lifetime searching for intimacy—intimacy with parents, with friends, and eventually with a spouse. Yet sometimes the road to intimacy is littered with debris from our past, and we find ourselves immobilized by our fears and failures. How do we escape the consequences of our unwise choices? How do we move into the future when our past has obstructed the way? Can spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy be restored to a marriage which seems on the verge of destruction?

These were the questions I found myself asking seven years ago. My marriage was on the verge of destruction, when I found myself on my knees pleading with God to reveal the answers to me. I didn’t realize that the journey would begin with me as God began to expose my shortcomings. Ever so slowly, God took my hand in His as He guided me on a journey that led to complete intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical.

This book was written as a study guide for women who find themselves in a battle as they try to build or discover intimacy in marriage. It answers the questions which God answered for me.  It is God’s desire to breathe new life into your marriage.  Change is never easy, especially when it begins within. However, with God leading the way, you will break free from your fears and move into His glorious light.  You will be rewarded with what every married couple has desired at some point during their lives—to be more personally connected with their spouses—one of the most important relationships they will ever have.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413718031&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Marriage Takes Work

“I won’t have any problems in my marriage,” my 19 year old informs me.  I try not to laugh, but his statement is so naïve—so ludicrous—that I can’t control the chuckle that escapes me.

“Every marriage has problems.  It’s the nature of the beast.  It is impossible to bring two people together from completely different backgrounds with different life experiences, different temperaments—not to mention the difficulties that arise from just being different genders—and try to live as one. In fact, it is nearly impossible. “

“Well, you and Dad seemed to make it work.”

“Only because we never wanted a divorce at the same time.” 

And that is the reality of marriage.  Matrimony can be messy. It takes work and dedication. It takes perseverance. It takes humility. But most importantly, it takes faith.  Marriage is the most difficult and the most rewarding relationship you will ever be in. However, it doesn’t just “happen.” Like any living thing, it needs to be nourished and nurtured. Without those elements, it will die.

Many people look upon my marriage and imagine that Woody and I have it all figured out.  We get along so well and we never complain. Heck, I wrote a book about intimacy, so I must have it all figured out, right? Wrong. Marriage never survives on cruise control. In fact, it will crash and burn with devastating results. Every day, we must dedicate our lives to living inside of God’s will for our union; and every day, we must both commit ourselves to the demanding role of “spouse.”

If you are looking for the fairy tale ending, marriage will disappoint. If you are disillusioned enough to believe that marriage can be trouble free, think again. Anyone who tells you he or she has an effortless marriage is lying. Marriage takes determination, but through the struggle comes satisfaction and great reward.

What Does God Have To Do With Intimacy, Part 2

Read Genesis 2:8-25.  In verse 18 what does God say is not good for man?

God immediately recognized Adam’s need for companionship—that it was not good for man to be alone.  God had brought all of the animals to Adam, but Adam had not been able to find a companion comparable to him.

Take another look at Genesis 2:23.  What does Adam recognize immediately concerning his relationship with the woman?  He immediately realized that Eve was a part of him, the intimate connection was made.   What does it mean to you to become “one flesh?”

There is an intimacy in becoming “one flesh” that we have lost sight of in today’s society.  Since the “sexual revolution” we no longer understand the tender familiarity that should take place between a husband and a wife when they become “one flesh.”  It should be a sweet mystery to be discovered within the protective bonds of a marriage.

Verse twenty-five reads, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”  I love that visual!  To stand before each other, completely exposed, vulnerable in every sense and to experience no shame, no threat of wrongdoing by the other, to completely trust!  Have you ever stood in front of your husband completely naked, literally and figuratively?  If you have never been able to stand before your husband utterly defenseless in your nakedness, what has prevented you from doing so?

Marriage was created on the sixth day in the Garden of Eden.  God’s plan was for a man and a woman to become one and in doing so, stand unashamed before Him and each other entirely stripped of all pretenses, trusting, loving, and knowing.  We can’t genuinely know another until we have stood before him without any barriers blocking our view.

In Genesis 24:62-66 we can read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Rebekah was an answer to prayer.  She went willingly with Abraham’s servant away from all that she loved and knew to marry a man whom she had never met.  All she truly knew was that he was a man of God.  In this passage we are invited to take a glimpse into that first meeting.  We see Rebekah climbing down from her camel and covering herself.  You can almost picture Isaac taking her in, realizing God’s choice for his life.  And then verse 66 says it all, “he married Rebekah…and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”  She was his comfort, his love, his answer to prayer.  He took her into his tent without any shame, without any deception.  They became one flesh and completely understood what it meant to be in a covenant, intimate relationship with a spouse. 

Again, we see God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage.  We should be comforted and loved.  Exposed and trusting.  These two passages do not even begin to encompass all that God has planned for us as His children.  How excited I was to discover God’s purpose for my marriage!  He has the same plans for you and your marriage.  Think on that for a moment…God wants you to find love, trust, and comfort.  Do you trust God to fulfill His intentions for your marriage?  If not, ask Him now to give you the faith to know He is a God of purpose and promise.

“Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love.  Thank you for planning my life and letting the union with my spouse be a part of Your plan.  Help me to trust Your goals for my marriage.  Let me feel Your loving presence within my home, constantly holding me up and reassuring me.  In Jesus’ holy name I pray.   Amen”   

Joy Is a Choice

You are on a journey leading down a pathway strewn with boulders and loose gravel.  With every step, there is the possibility that you will end up face down in the dirt, nursing your wounds.  Yet you do not have to make your way through the pitfalls alone.  You can choose to accept or reject the assistance made available to all of us.  However, when you reject the loving hand reaching out to catch your fall, do not complain to Him when you are lying in the sand covered in your filth and shame.  You made a choice.

No one is free from suffering.  We all hurt.  We all bleed.  We all cry.  The choice comes in how you deal with disappointment.  If you choose to focus on the negative, your life will be full of negativity.   Joy is a choice.  I chose to accept the joy offered to me when I repented of my sins and became a Christ follower.  I still have to choose that joy on a daily basis.  It requires focus and faith.  Why do you assume that affliction is particular to you?  It is not!  “Oh, but I can’t choose to be happy!  I can’t remember the good!  Too much pain stands in my way!” You moan and whine, convinced that your miserable life is quite unlike any other.  However, have you suffered to the point of death?  Most likely, you have not or you would not be able to wail so heartily.   You have closed your eyes to the light which wants to flood your soul and remove your agony and grief.

I have as much right as anyone to bemoan my life.  I could focus on being thrown up against a wall when I was six years old by an intoxicated relative and punched in the face.  This was only the first of many abusive encounters.  I could focus on being repeatedly raped from the time I was eight years old until I was ten by a close family friend.  I could focus on being neglected and unloved by those who were placed on this earth to shelter and love me.  But I won’t!  I can’t!  I have been set free.  I have been saved!  There is a life time of joy in just that incident alone.  But if the source ever runs dry, I have been blessed beyond measure since that day.  Is my life perfect?  Far from it!  I have three teenagers, after all, and an unemployed husband.  Yet, I am blessed.  I have made the choice to accept the hand, to lay down my burdens, and to focus on the One who saved me.  

Perhaps, it is time that you do the same.