Why Is Purity Important for My Present?

According to the Social Security Administration, the average life expectancy in 2014 for a 16 year old girl is 86.4 years (http://www.socialsecurity.gov/cgi-bin/longevity.cgi), which means you have lived only about one-sixth of your life. Adults are always instructing you how you should live your life with the future in mind, yet you have barely lived long enough to have a reference point for the present, let alone the future.  How can you be expected to plan for the rest of your life when you have so little life experience upon which you may draw? To top things off, teenagers today are dealing with far more than they did twenty to thirty years ago. Homework, stretching late into the evenings; athletics, requiring hours and hours of practice and games; music lessons, which require rehearsals; SAT prep classes; volunteering at church; and special interest clubs all compete for your time and attention.  No wonder you can’t envision the future! Your present is so full it has completely blinded you to what might happen a month from now, let alone ten years from now.  And all of this is accompanied by stress.  According to one report, the proportion of 15 to 16 year olds who report often feeling anxious or depressed has doubled in the last thirty years,     (http://www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/increased-levels-anxiety-and-depression-teenage-experience-changes-over-time). 

I get it. Much of what you are experiencing is due to your vantage point and the physiological changes which are occurring within your body. As you mature, your brain is being bombarded with hormones. These hormones can cause mood swings, sensitivity, anger, depression, and self-hatred.  There is a lot going on. Is it any wonder our young people are looking for instant gratification? Life is so complex, so demanding, that the temptation to escape the current environment and to feel the thrill of the moment is too overwhelming to resist. And yet when speaking to young people, the older generation still uses the same old arguments that they have been making for thirty plus years:  “Think of the future; someday you will be glad you made the choice to…. How will this impact your life? What are your long-term goals?”

I could sit here all day and tell you how keeping yourself pure is important for your future, but like I said, if you cannot imagine a future with you in it, I have not given you anything that is applicable to your life today; and therefore, my words are meaningless. So, why is purity important for your present? How will living a lifestyle of purity benefit you right now?

 Self-esteem

Making good choices—choosing purity—actually helps you feel better about yourself.   Foolish choices can doom you and produce self-hate.

Think about a time when you caved to peer pressure and did something in order to “fit in.” How did you feel afterwards? What happened to your sense of value?

Now, think about a time when you chose to do the right thing. How did you feel about yourself? Did you feel better about who you are?

Any girl who has lost her purity can testify to the fact that the first time she did something to compromise it, there was tremendous guilt and self-loathing. It may feel thrilling and exciting in the moment, but as soon as you are left alone to process what you have done, the shame sets in. It may be easy for a young lady to harden herself and pretend that her experience was amazing and beneficial, but deep down, she knows. Her confidence starts to wane. She starts to look to others to find her self-worth, only to discover that man will fail a person a thousand times over. She may appear to be on top of the world; but behind her smile there is a heart breaking into a million pieces—a life spiraling downward with no bottom in sight.

God’s Word indicates that He takes sex seriously. Peruse the books of Exodus and Deuteronomy and you will find laws concerning whom you may have sex with and when. This is not to be taken lightly. God knew we would pervert this wonderful gift that He had given to man during creation in the Garden of Eden. He also knew that by abusing His gift, we would not only corrupt our relationships with others, but we would also damage our relationship with God.

How can impurity damage your relationship with God?

Read Psalm 32:3-5. This Psalm was written by King David. We are not sure what the incident was that motivated him to write this psalm, but obviously, he was feeling tremendous guilt about some sin in his life. How did David feel before he acknowledged his sin to God?

Now page to the right a few pages and read Psalm 66:18?  What does this verse indicate about how sin affects our prayers?

Sin wracks us with guilt and stands in the way of our prayers. It harms our relationship with God. When our fellowship with God is impaired, our self-esteem plunges. Loving God is how we learn to love ourselves. Being in communion with Him is life-changing. God cannot be in the presence of sin. Habakkuk 1:13a states, “Your [God’s] eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong.” Choosing purity in a way is choosing God. And by choosing God, self-worth will follow.

Self-control

If you have been in church long enough, you have at some point in your life heard someone speak about the “fruit of the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the “fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Why is self-control so important in a person’s life and how can it benefit you right now? We have all heard the saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” But from where does this idea of waiting come and for what good things am I waiting?

Let’s look at a few Bible verses that deal with delayed gratification.  Read the following verses and for each, write down what you learn about waiting:

Lamentations 3:25: 

Psalm 27:14: 

Psalm 37:7: 

Micah 7:7: 

Isaiah 30:18: 

Isaiah 40:31: 

James 5:7: 

As a Christian, your whole life is lived waiting for death or Jesus’ advent so that you might live in heaven. We are waiting on God, waiting on blessings, waiting on heaven, waiting to be reunited with those whom we have lost, and waiting to be transformed into our heavenly bodies which will know no sorrow, sickness, or pain. If you cannot learn to be patient—to be self-controlled—then this life is going to be pretty miserable for you.

Song of Songs 2:7 instructs young ladies, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Even love is a waiting game, and perhaps the most important one you will play. By waiting to engage in physical intimacy right now you are learning self-control. You are learning to wait upon your Savior in a world where “waiting” has been turned into a four-letter word. Postponing passion gives you an edge. The discipline you will develop through waiting will give you an advantage in everything you do.

To Be Set apart

You are special. When you accepted Christ as your personal Savior, you became part of an amazing family with characteristics that are very similar to other members of God’s family. Christians should look like they are related—in their behavior, their speech, their entertainment choices, and their love. You should not look like the rest of the world because you do not belong to that family. You are royalty, and as such, certain expectations should be met, as in any royal family. You would never see the queen of England getting drunk and dancing on a table or appearing in public without being decently attired. Royalty shouldn’t behave as a commoner might. That is why it was such a scandalous affair when Prince Harry was photographed drunk and nude at a private party. Monarchs should never engage in such crude behavior. Guess what? As a member of God’s family, there are expectations of behavior for you, too.

Before you were adopted into God’s family, the highest price was paid for your membership. Read 1 Corinthians 6:18-20.  How does choosing purity—behaving differently from the rest of the world—honor God and demonstrate your love for Him?

Read Romans 12:2. What does it mean to you to not conform to the pattern of this world? How do we keep from behaving like the world?

We are to be different! We shouldn’t act like the world around us. Daily, we have to set it in our hearts to stand firm and be different. We are to be in the world—not of the world.

Now read Titus 2:11-14. What teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions? When are we to live godly lives?

God’s grace teaches us. His Spirit is inside every believer, teaching and guiding. Now is the time in which we are to live self-controlled and upright lives while we wait for Jesus to return for those He calls His very own.

Read 1 John 2:15-17. If you love the world, is the love of God in you? (please, understand that when these verses speak about loving the world, they are not referring to people in the world or the created world, but the world—or realm—of sin; we are not to love sin and the things associated with it) What will happen to this world?

As we have already discovered, God cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, if you want Jesus to be with you today, walking every step of the path with you, you must put away sinful desires.

This is not what the world teaches. The world’s philosophy is, if it feels right to you, then it must be good. Purity is not embraced by the world and taking a stand for it will feel very lonely and downright uncomfortable at times. However, 1 John 3:13 tells us, “Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you.” Like I said though, you shouldn’t look like the world. The world does not own you. You have been adopted into a royal family full of love and grace. You need to play the part. You are not a commoner, so do not let the world pull you down and sully your regal robes.  Stand firm with your head held high and know that because you are so very loved, you have been set apart.

My Book

Many people spend a lifetime searching for intimacy—intimacy with parents, with friends, and eventually with a spouse. Yet sometimes the road to intimacy is littered with debris from our past, and we find ourselves immobilized by our fears and failures. How do we escape the consequences of our unwise choices? How do we move into the future when our past has obstructed the way? Can spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy be restored to a marriage which seems on the verge of destruction?

These were the questions I found myself asking seven years ago. My marriage was on the verge of destruction, when I found myself on my knees pleading with God to reveal the answers to me. I didn’t realize that the journey would begin with me as God began to expose my shortcomings. Ever so slowly, God took my hand in His as He guided me on a journey that led to complete intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical.

This book was written as a study guide for women who find themselves in a battle as they try to build or discover intimacy in marriage. It answers the questions which God answered for me.  It is God’s desire to breathe new life into your marriage.  Change is never easy, especially when it begins within. However, with God leading the way, you will break free from your fears and move into His glorious light.  You will be rewarded with what every married couple has desired at some point during their lives—to be more personally connected with their spouses—one of the most important relationships they will ever have.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413718031&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Marriage Takes Work

“I won’t have any problems in my marriage,” my 19 year old informs me.  I try not to laugh, but his statement is so naïve—so ludicrous—that I can’t control the chuckle that escapes me.

“Every marriage has problems.  It’s the nature of the beast.  It is impossible to bring two people together from completely different backgrounds with different life experiences, different temperaments—not to mention the difficulties that arise from just being different genders—and try to live as one. In fact, it is nearly impossible. “

“Well, you and Dad seemed to make it work.”

“Only because we never wanted a divorce at the same time.” 

And that is the reality of marriage.  Matrimony can be messy. It takes work and dedication. It takes perseverance. It takes humility. But most importantly, it takes faith.  Marriage is the most difficult and the most rewarding relationship you will ever be in. However, it doesn’t just “happen.” Like any living thing, it needs to be nourished and nurtured. Without those elements, it will die.

Many people look upon my marriage and imagine that Woody and I have it all figured out.  We get along so well and we never complain. Heck, I wrote a book about intimacy, so I must have it all figured out, right? Wrong. Marriage never survives on cruise control. In fact, it will crash and burn with devastating results. Every day, we must dedicate our lives to living inside of God’s will for our union; and every day, we must both commit ourselves to the demanding role of “spouse.”

If you are looking for the fairy tale ending, marriage will disappoint. If you are disillusioned enough to believe that marriage can be trouble free, think again. Anyone who tells you he or she has an effortless marriage is lying. Marriage takes determination, but through the struggle comes satisfaction and great reward.

The Subject of My Next Book

I was ready.  Somehow I had managed to become the proud owner of the book, A Year of Health and Beauty by Beverly and Vidal Sassoon.  Within the pages of that book lay the secret to my future success. I would become fit and fabulous. I dedicated myself to the regiment detailed within the pages and knew that within a year’s time, I would be the most popular girl at Burrton High School.  My dishwater blonde hair and braces would vanish and instead I would have golden blond tresses and pearly white teeth radiating from a smiling face full of health and beauty.

It didn’t work. After about six months of self-discipline, exercise, and skipping the Dr. Pepper, I realized that my 98 pound frame which seemed to have an aversion to puberty would never develop into the full bodied beauty which I could clearly see in my mind’s eye.  I was hopeless.  As if to validate the very low opinion I had of my 15 year old self, I was ridiculed mercilessly by classmates and felt invisible to my parents.  I would never be the “it” girl, surrounded by adoring peers hanging onto my every word. No one would ever ask me for my telephone number. “How many times do you have to run through the shower before you get wet?” a male student queried one day. I was the ugly one, the butt of every joke, the girl from the poor family living in the run down trailer. Not even Beverly and Vidal Sassoon could make a beauty out of me.

All my adolescent self wanted was to be loved and accepted, a feeling which I truly believe every young lady desires. I will investigate those feelings in my next book, and I believe I have the beauty secret the Sassoons were missing.  I am excited for the opportunity to share it with you.

So, here we go again down another road on a different sort of journey.

A Letter to Teen Girls Concerning Intimacy

Dear Beautiful Young Lady,

Developing an exclusive relationship with someone before you are spiritually, emotionally, and financially prepared to commit to marriage is morally wrong. The Bible is very clear that love must be sincere.  Strong emotional attachments lead to physical intimacy which is never condoned by God before marriage. I have seen too many young couples  who have become emotionally intimate struggle to keep from becoming physically intimate, a temptation that never would have been an issue had they remained friends. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, teens who are dating exclusively are more likely to have sex earlier than teens who do not.  

Every time a young person becomes emotionally intimate with another person, she is giving satan ammunition to use against her later in life once she is married and enduring the very real and normal struggles that come from being married. Satan will bring that person from the past into the present and start asking, “What if…?” questions. Every attachment provides more ammunition. Every attachment starts to wear away at the guard rails God put into place to protect the emotional intimacy in a marriage.  Every time you give your heart away, you give away a part of you that you can never get back. You are stealing all those “firsts” from your future spouse—first love, first hug, first spark, first kiss.  Developing romantic love and loyalty with a young man is like living out one of the privileges of marriage without the responsibility of being married. It also tends to quickly move a relationship toward physical intimacy. Also, shouldn’t that exclusive emotional attachment be reserved for your future husband?

I am saying all of this because I ask and I pray that you consider the risks of emotional attachments that may or may not lead to marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart as you develop any relationship. Make friendship the goal, not romance. Think of your future spouse at all times and whether or not you will feel completely comfortable in the future revealing every aspect of your relationship with him. He should never feel as if he has lost a part of you to another man. Your heart belongs wholly to him.

I do apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. That is not my intent. My goal is to ensure that you go into your marriage someday completely pure emotionally and physically.  You are building the foundation for intimacy in your marriage right now. Let that foundation be built on the Rock, by living out the principles He has placed within His word to allow you success.

Blessings,

Kim

Love, Honor, and Cherish?

I have a confession to make.  I have not kept my wedding vows.  I promised to “love, honor, and cherish” my husband until “death do us part,” and I barely made it through our first week of marriage before I broke at least one of those promises.

Love—honor—cherish.  Are they meaningless words echoed while gazing into the eyes of your future spouse while dreaming of the reception and honeymoon?  Or are they words that fall from your tongue while your families and friends witness the exchange of vows—vows which many of us never contemplate even once after the ceremony is over?  What do these three little transitive verbs mean?  I mean, most of us realize what it is to love; but what about to honor and to cherish?

To honor someone is to respect, to revere, and to treat him with deference.  It is to treat him with the highest regard in words and actions.  To cherish someone is very similar.  To cherish my husband, I need to treat him in an encouraging manner by protecting, aiding, and attending.  Even my mind should harbor thoughts which hold him dear and embrace him with affection. 

Proverbs 31:11-12 states, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm, all the days of her life.”  That is honor.  You will notice, these verses do not stipulate to bring him good only if he brings you good first.  This is a formidable imperative.  Am I the only one who finds it daunting?  I don’t want to honor Woody on those days when I feel as if he is being obnoxious and overbearing.  And what is this with him always thinking he has to be right?  I hate having to swallow my pride in order to make peace. 

So how do we go about keeping our vows? By going to the source of love.  God is love!  When I consider how He has given me excellence when I deserved death, then swallowing my pride in order to bring about peace becomes simple.  And just as Proverbs reveals, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”  Once I have replenished my supply, loving, honoring, and cherishing Woody is effortless.

Love, honor, and cherish—if you are struggling to keep these vows, meditate upon what the words mean.  Identify the areas in your life where you are not putting the words into action and then go to the source of all love and wisdom, and soon keeping  your wedding vows will become effortless.

What Does God Have To Do With Intimacy, Part 2

Read Genesis 2:8-25.  In verse 18 what does God say is not good for man?

God immediately recognized Adam’s need for companionship—that it was not good for man to be alone.  God had brought all of the animals to Adam, but Adam had not been able to find a companion comparable to him.

Take another look at Genesis 2:23.  What does Adam recognize immediately concerning his relationship with the woman?  He immediately realized that Eve was a part of him, the intimate connection was made.   What does it mean to you to become “one flesh?”

There is an intimacy in becoming “one flesh” that we have lost sight of in today’s society.  Since the “sexual revolution” we no longer understand the tender familiarity that should take place between a husband and a wife when they become “one flesh.”  It should be a sweet mystery to be discovered within the protective bonds of a marriage.

Verse twenty-five reads, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”  I love that visual!  To stand before each other, completely exposed, vulnerable in every sense and to experience no shame, no threat of wrongdoing by the other, to completely trust!  Have you ever stood in front of your husband completely naked, literally and figuratively?  If you have never been able to stand before your husband utterly defenseless in your nakedness, what has prevented you from doing so?

Marriage was created on the sixth day in the Garden of Eden.  God’s plan was for a man and a woman to become one and in doing so, stand unashamed before Him and each other entirely stripped of all pretenses, trusting, loving, and knowing.  We can’t genuinely know another until we have stood before him without any barriers blocking our view.

In Genesis 24:62-66 we can read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Rebekah was an answer to prayer.  She went willingly with Abraham’s servant away from all that she loved and knew to marry a man whom she had never met.  All she truly knew was that he was a man of God.  In this passage we are invited to take a glimpse into that first meeting.  We see Rebekah climbing down from her camel and covering herself.  You can almost picture Isaac taking her in, realizing God’s choice for his life.  And then verse 66 says it all, “he married Rebekah…and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”  She was his comfort, his love, his answer to prayer.  He took her into his tent without any shame, without any deception.  They became one flesh and completely understood what it meant to be in a covenant, intimate relationship with a spouse. 

Again, we see God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage.  We should be comforted and loved.  Exposed and trusting.  These two passages do not even begin to encompass all that God has planned for us as His children.  How excited I was to discover God’s purpose for my marriage!  He has the same plans for you and your marriage.  Think on that for a moment…God wants you to find love, trust, and comfort.  Do you trust God to fulfill His intentions for your marriage?  If not, ask Him now to give you the faith to know He is a God of purpose and promise.

“Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love.  Thank you for planning my life and letting the union with my spouse be a part of Your plan.  Help me to trust Your goals for my marriage.  Let me feel Your loving presence within my home, constantly holding me up and reassuring me.  In Jesus’ holy name I pray.   Amen”