Self-Destructing, Part 1

During the 1990s and into the start of the second millennium, Mel Gibson was a household name and a guaranteed box office draw. Even though he had had a history of alcoholism, Gibson seemed to have overcome his addiction through his faith in Christ. In 2004, his biggest film to date was released, “The Passion of Christ.” This film was co-written, co-produced, and directed by Gibson and was the highest grossing R-rated film in the U.S., earning over $370 million. Gibson stated in more than one interview that the reason he brought the execution of Christ to theaters was because during his recovery from alcoholism and depression, he had focused on the passion of Christ to find healing and hope. We collectively held our breaths to see what great thing this man (who seemed to love God) might do next.

And then the shoe dropped. In 2006, Gibson was arrested on DUI charges and spewed expletives and anti-Semitic remarks at the arresting officer. In 2009, photos were released of Gibson and a well-known female pianist who was not his wife caressing on a beach. This was shortly followed by his wife filing for a divorce and winning an estimated $425 million in a very expensive settlement. Things seemed to go from bad to worse, as his girlfriend gave birth to a child and charged him with domestic assault and filed a restraining order against Gibson. He has been disgraced in the media and rejected by Hollywood; and I, for one, am wondering, “What happened?” How does someone who seemed to be on fire for God, who was a significant player in creating such an incredibly moving movie such as “The Passion of Christ” completely self-destruct?

Asa became king of Judah upon the death of his father in 910 B.C. The first decade of his reign was spent in social reform and military expansion. He fortified the cities of Judah and experienced a time of peace. He had an army of 300,000 from Judah equipped with shields and spears; and 280,000 archers from Benjamin also stood ready for action. However, this army of brave men was small in comparison to the Ethiopian army which attacked Judah ten years after Asa took the throne. Zerah the Ethiopian led a military force consisting of a million men and three hundred chariots. It was undeniably superior to Judah’s. Yet, Asa was an honorable man who did right in the eyes of the Lord. He called out to the Lord his God, realizing that such a multitude of armed men was nothing for God. God struck the Ethiopians and gave Judah the victory. It was truly a “David and Goliath” moment. Asa was blessed by God’s spirit upon him and in the fifteenth year of his reign, rededicated the kingdom to God. He required all the people to take an oath to seek God with all their heart and soul. Twenty more years of peace followed. Asa’s kingdom flourished and so did he, and all the people collectively held their breaths to see what great thing this man who truly loved God might do next.

And then peace was threatened once again by Israel—a small army compared to the Ethiopians; however, there was the king of Israel on the threshold of Judah aggressively taking action against their nation. Asa misappropriated funds from the temple and from his own treasury and sent them on to Syria in an attempt to bribe the Syrian king to align with Judah rather than Israel. He wanted to strike a treaty with a nation which was clearly an enemy. It worked. Israel backed off. Yet, Syria escaped and would grow to be a thorn in Judah’s side in the future. God sent Hanani the seer to Asa to let him know the grave mistake he had made; but instead of humbling himself and confessing his sin, Asa’s heart had grown hard. He had Hanani placed in prison and oppressed those who dared to agree with God. Sometime later Asa became diseased in his feet, but rather than turning to God, he once again turned to man. He died shortly thereafter stubborn and far from reaching his full potential. Yet again I find myself wondering, “What happened?”  How does a life so full of promise fall short of God’s purpose? How do individuals so zealous for God and His work end up walking away with hardened hearts?

It happens time and time again—Gibson and Asa are only two instances of lives gone wrong. King Solomon has to be the most puzzling example. He was the wisest man to ever live, and because Solomon had requested wisdom from God rather than riches, God made him incredibly wealthy too. Under Solomon’s rule, Israel reached the peak of her power and expanded from the Euphrates river in the north to Egypt in the south—the largest it had ever been.  Solomon was a writer, architect, and advisor.  He composed 3,000 proverbs. He built the Holy Temple. He advised the Queen of Sheba. The splendor of his palace was incomparable. His throne was inlaid with ivory and overlaid with gold. There were six steps leading up to the throne seat and a lion stood on each side of the six steps. Lions also flanked both armrests. Nothing like it had ever been created. Unfortunately, Solomon had many (and many is really an understatement) foreign wives who led him astray. He began to follow their pagan gods going as far as building a high place of worship for the Moab and Ammonite gods. Adversaries were raised up against Israel. Solomon was warned that his kingdom would be taken from his son. Only for David’s sake would Rehoboam, Solomon’s son, be allowed to continue ruling one of the twelve tribes of Israel. A man, who had literally had the world at his fingertips, lost it all and died far from God. Again, why? How could someone so blessed with God’s favor, who knew God so intimately, be led away by the temporal pleasures of this world? However, the question that should  be asked is, if someone who communicated with God so personally and who probably had a better understanding of who God really is can be led awry, what will keep me from going off course? How can I finish strong and prevent my life from self-destructing?

A Virtuous Wife?

I must have emerged from the womb throwing punches with a grudge the size of Texas on my shoulders. I am stubborn, selfish, controlling, confrontational, and do not like to admit when I am wrong. I like it even less when Woody tells me I’m wrong. I am definitely not what God had in mind when detailing the “Virtuous Wife” in Proverbs 31. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was the antithesis. I cannot even begin to explain the frustration that used to well up in me when confronted with this passage.  Had I been appointed editor, I am quite confident that Proverbs 31:10-31 would have been omitted from the Bible. Yet, God knew better.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to be a virtuous wife. I desire to be a woman whom my husband can trust to bring him good, and who will open her mouth with wisdom. Unfortunately, sometimes when I open my mouth to speak, words fly out like little arrows searching for their next victim, wounding the heart and leaving scars. And sometimes it’s just easier to bring evil rather than good.

Why do I struggle so much in this area? Is it because I have never seen unselfish love in the flesh modeled? Is it because I do not trust Woody to always do me good? I have been hurt by him repeatedly, and truth be told, I do not trust him. So, am I justified in my egoism? No.

God loves me unselfishly. He is my example. God is my protection. He is whom I trust. Psalm 84:11 states, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” As long as I am following God, He will protect me. He will not allow harm to come my way. You see, it is not a matter of trusting Woody to be perfect and never say or do anything to cause me pain; it is a matter of trusting God to protect me from Woody’s mistakes.

I am definitely a work in progress. Yet, God is slowly transforming me. I am learning to submit to His will. I am surrendering control. I am biting my tongue. I am yielding to a God who knows me intimately and realizes just how hard it is for me to let go of the grudge I have held for most of my life.  He gives grace and glory.  And as I am changed, my marriage is blessed. Intimacy is restored. The foundation is repaired. Soon, I know, that woman in Proverbs 31 will not be such an unobtainable goal. You see, God has started the makeover. He will transform me into the “Virtuous Wife.” I may have entered the world fighting, but I will go out of it quietly.

My Book

There is still time to order my book in time for Christmas.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419343560&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Stretched But Not Distorted

The holiday season is upon us, and I for one feel as if I am drowning in a sea of presents which still need to be purchased and cookies which still need to be baked. The house is in disarray and there is a list of tasks which need to be completed so that we can put our house on the market in preparation of moving to another state. We will have house guests for two weeks over Christmas, and the guest room is full of wrapped and unwrapped presents, ribbons, and bows. Throw in one absentee husband and three teenagers and “Presto!”—the perfect recipe for a migraine. Novartis, I will be investing in your company this year. If nothing else, I am doing my fair share to keep your company afloat as I procure as many bottles of Excedrin Migraine as I can safely consume. 

I feel as if I am a rubber band which has reached its elastic limit. Hooke’s law states that when an object is acted upon by a force, it will bend, stretch, or compress.  Once the force is removed, the object will return to its original shape. Elastic will stretch until it has reached its limit. Beyond that, it will be deformed and never return to its original shape. Yes. That is exactly how I feel right now. Stretched and on the brink of being buckled into an unrecognizable version of myself. Yet somehow, another day passes and my sanity is intact. My children are alive. My husband still loves me. How? God.

Without my faith I would flounder. It is my foundation and my strength. It is my sanity and my substance. Instead of panic, I know peace. Also, there is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when a rubber band is stretched—the molecules (polymers) in the rubber become aligned. They themselves are under no stress whatsoever. When the rubber band is at rest, the molecules are tangled with no real order. I am being stretched, but at the same time, my life is becoming aligned with God’s will as I learn to rely on Him during these uncertain, chaotic times.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, as long as you remember that being stretched can bring order and develop strength. And God will never allow you to be stretched beyond your elastic limit.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Get Up!

“Get up!” Saul was on the road to Damascus when he met Jesus. Lying face down on the ground, Jesus commanded him to get up and go. Saul did as he was instructed and his life was transformed. When we rise from our circumstances, God can move in our lives. However, we have to get up first.

“Get up!” I hear that imperative once more and I cringe. I don’t want to get up, and I certainly don’t want to move. I finally feel as if our family has established some roots, and now we have to rip them up and endure another transplant. I want to dig down deeper, stuff dirt in my ears, and pretend that command was meant for someone else.

“Get up!” I drag my feet. I’m tired. I whimper a little more. My two-year old, temper-tantrum throwing alter ego is revealing her disagreeable self. And yet, God demonstrates infinite patience. He waits while I whine. He comforts through my complaints.

“Get up!”  We grow comfortable, fall asleep, become paralyzed by our fears, and immobilized by our sins. We need to stand up and get going. So, like it or not, I will get up and go. I will let God move my family and wait while He once again moves in my life.

The Autumn of Our Lives

As I watched the last leaves of autumn lose their grip and fall, I couldn’t help but realize how we are so much like those dying leaves.  We’ve moved through the spring of our lives, have languished the long days of summer, and as we have moved into autumn, we have given one last brilliant display of beauty trying so hard to outshine the glories we have known.  But now the longer nights and cooler air have affected our beauty, and we find ourselves turning brown and crisp along the edges.  We try so desperately to hold on to the tree of our youth, gripping the branches with weakening strength.  We are so afraid to fall.  The ground below appears barren and hard—so unwelcoming to our increasingly fragile state.  We can’t fall to the earth among the scattered lives of those who have gone before us.  We are terrified of aging in a society that worships youth and beauty.

Yet, as I observed one leaf being pulled and tugged by the winds of change and quietly lose its hold, the resulting fall was more peaceful than anything I had ever experienced.  I watched the journey as it glided on a gentle current so very elegantly until it was gently placed on the leaf littered ground.    It didn’t toss or turn, spinning violently on the axis of its main vein but glided softly.  I found myself wanting to be that leaf and take that journey.

The autumn and winter of our lives should be the most enriching periods of our lives.  When others watch our journey, they shouldn’t see the struggle but the beauty of the fall.  As those leaves decompose during the bitter cold of winter, they enrich the soil providing much needed nutrients that will cultivate the new blossoms of spring.  New trees will grow in that rich soil and new life will bless the earth.  Our lives should be lived in such a way that when we reach the winter of our lives, we will know we have nurtured those around us in such a way that more glorious things will grow from the compost of our lives. 

Don’t be afraid to let go when the autumn of life comes because during the winter you will find that your life can be more valuable than it ever was in the spring.

Why Is Purity Important for My Future?

Almost every teenage girl has dreamed of the day that she will meet the man of her dreams. Soon afterwards, he will realize that she is the only woman he could ever love, and as he descends to one knee, he will reach into his side coat pocket and expose a black velvet ring box. “Will you marry me?” The answer is always “Yes!” and they live happily ever after.  Or do they?

Growing up on fairy tales and Barbie movies, every little girl has believed in the “happily ever after” scenario at some point in her life. However, reality is no fairy tale and the castles usually crumble shortly after the “I do’s” are whispered and the first dispute arises revealing that you are not married to Prince Charming. Instead you feel as if you kissed your prince and he turned into a toad.  Then children arrive on the scene and the fantasy falls apart. So much for happily ever after.

Marriage is difficult. It requires work and dedication. It is not for the weak. We need to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage with as little baggage as possible. Starting off with a past full of sexual sin and emotional attachments can doom a marriage before the vows are even spoken. You will not have a problem-free marriage; however, you can make decisions now that will improve and strengthen the intimacy you will have with your future husband. Marriage is difficult, but you can make it easier. Choosing a life guided by the principles of purity will increase the odds of your marriage not only surviving but also thriving.

In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines. Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is difficult during the late days of summer and early days of fall. However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time. I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested. We manage to do the same thing with sex. There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed. Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited. Do you want to rob yourself of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of the first embrace? Physical intimacy before marriage deprives you of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, our society has traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment, and we are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused. That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage. There are no gray areas. This is not one of those “disputable” matters. God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

What is God’s plan for physical intimacy?

When God created Adam, he created in Adam’s being a need for human companionship. Read Genesis 2:15-24. In verse 20, what did Adam realize?

Although surrounded by creatures of every kind, Adam was lonely. He had no one of equal status to share his newfound discoveries. God knew this would happen. He had placed within Adam a longing for companionship—the foundation of all relationships. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed a stunning woman from the same materials He had used to make Adam. Adam took one look at Eve and said, “Ah, flesh of my flesh! She will be called woman.” And as they consummated their relationship, they became one. They were married—no ceremony, no license; just God’s blessing. The physical act is what established the union of marriage. What does the Bible say in Genesis 2:24?

I think you know what “one flesh” means. Did you realize that in God’s eyes, sex equals marriage? Let’s take a look at another biblical couple. If you fast forward through the book of Genesis to chapter twenty-four, you will read the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was Abraham’s son, the fulfillment of God’s promise. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant returned to Canaan with Rebekah, Isaac was out in the field meditating. At the same time Isaac saw the servant approaching with the lovely Rebekah, Rebekah noticed him and made inquiries. When she discovered it was her husband to be, she covered herself with her veil (a sign of her virginity). Isaac made his way to the small group and was informed of all that had occurred. This maiden was to be his wife. What happened then? Did they have a time of courtship while planning a lavish wedding? No, because in that time period a ceremony did not constitute marriage. Genesis 24:67 tells us “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife.” That was it! When a man had sexual relations with a woman, he entered into a binding, covenant relationship that could not be undone. This is the union that makes us one. Sex is marriage.

Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.  Did men have the option of having casual sex with unmarried women?

Now read 2 Samuel 13:1-20.  This is the story of Tamar, a beautiful daughter of King David. Her half-brother, Amnon lusted after her to the point he thought it was love. What does Tamar say to Amnon in verse 16 after he has violated her?

Tamar knew that she would no longer be eligible for marriage. Her virginity had been defiled. She was a ruined woman. How does this compare to today’s view of a woman who has had sex before marriage?

How did we get to a point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex? If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.” Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

God’s plan for any type of physical intimacy includes guard rails to keep your life on the right path. The covenant relationship of marriage provides the protection you need. You have been entrusted with a treasure that once given away cannot easily be recovered. Your purity is priceless.

How will choosing purity impact my future?

If marriage is part of your future plans, then how you live right now determines how much intimacy you will have with your future husband. You are building the foundation right now. When you finally meet the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with, you will promise to love, cherish and honor one another until death do you part. This is a covenant relationship. Look up the word “covenant” in the dictionary.  Write the definition.

A covenant is a binding agreement.  It literally means “a coming together.” Think of it as super glue. If you glue paper together and let the adhesive dry, you have created one thick piece of paper. You cannot make it two again without causing damage to the individual pieces. The paper is ruined if you try to tear it apart. That word picture should help you to better understand what God had in mind when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

Can you join together with someone emotionally or physically and break away from that intimate relationship without being damaged? Explain your answer.

When two pieces of paper have been joined together, it is impossible to tear them apart without leaving small remnants of each piece behind on the other piece. When you make emotional and physical attachments, you cannot break off a relationship without leaving a part of you behind. How much of “you” do you want to offer to your husband? How much of your husband do you want him to offer you? Think about that question for a moment and then answer it honestly.

Those leftover pieces have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times.  They have a nasty habit of developing into full grown road blocks that obstruct the path which leads to intimacy in marriage.  Only you have the power to choose a lifestyle right now which will keep your course clear.

I realize that the society in which you live bombards you daily with hyper-sexualized images. The world’s standards are nonexistent when it comes to purity. “You only live once!” You have been taught to expect instant gratification. Why wait when you can have it all now? The “live in the moment” mindset dominates the decision making process of generations y and z.  However, you must realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your choices have consequences; and just because you cannot easily visualize the effects of the choices you make today, do not think for a moment that you have escaped them. Whether you pay now or later, you will pay.

What do you think some of the costs are of not choosing purity as a lifestyle?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage. The beauty of what God has in store is stolen. God created sex and the way He planned it is better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine. It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in the movies being released in record number that are aimed at teenage viewers. It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine. It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt. There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension. That is how God designed it. Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?

Do no buy into the terrible lies the world will feed you. Society’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned something that should be treasured and preserved into a form of self-indulgent entertainment. You will suffer great loss by believing the propaganda that is being hurled at you through music, movies, and social media. The relationship you long to have with the man to whom you will pledge your life is dependent upon the choices you make now. Choose wisely knowing that the foundation of your future is being laid right now.