My Book

There is still time to order my book in time for Christmas.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419343560&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage

Stretched But Not Distorted

The holiday season is upon us, and I for one feel as if I am drowning in a sea of presents which still need to be purchased and cookies which still need to be baked. The house is in disarray and there is a list of tasks which need to be completed so that we can put our house on the market in preparation of moving to another state. We will have house guests for two weeks over Christmas, and the guest room is full of wrapped and unwrapped presents, ribbons, and bows. Throw in one absentee husband and three teenagers and “Presto!”—the perfect recipe for a migraine. Novartis, I will be investing in your company this year. If nothing else, I am doing my fair share to keep your company afloat as I procure as many bottles of Excedrin Migraine as I can safely consume. 

I feel as if I am a rubber band which has reached its elastic limit. Hooke’s law states that when an object is acted upon by a force, it will bend, stretch, or compress.  Once the force is removed, the object will return to its original shape. Elastic will stretch until it has reached its limit. Beyond that, it will be deformed and never return to its original shape. Yes. That is exactly how I feel right now. Stretched and on the brink of being buckled into an unrecognizable version of myself. Yet somehow, another day passes and my sanity is intact. My children are alive. My husband still loves me. How? God.

Without my faith I would flounder. It is my foundation and my strength. It is my sanity and my substance. Instead of panic, I know peace. Also, there is an interesting phenomenon that occurs when a rubber band is stretched—the molecules (polymers) in the rubber become aligned. They themselves are under no stress whatsoever. When the rubber band is at rest, the molecules are tangled with no real order. I am being stretched, but at the same time, my life is becoming aligned with God’s will as I learn to rely on Him during these uncertain, chaotic times.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, as long as you remember that being stretched can bring order and develop strength. And God will never allow you to be stretched beyond your elastic limit.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Get Up!

“Get up!” Saul was on the road to Damascus when he met Jesus. Lying face down on the ground, Jesus commanded him to get up and go. Saul did as he was instructed and his life was transformed. When we rise from our circumstances, God can move in our lives. However, we have to get up first.

“Get up!” I hear that imperative once more and I cringe. I don’t want to get up, and I certainly don’t want to move. I finally feel as if our family has established some roots, and now we have to rip them up and endure another transplant. I want to dig down deeper, stuff dirt in my ears, and pretend that command was meant for someone else.

“Get up!” I drag my feet. I’m tired. I whimper a little more. My two-year old, temper-tantrum throwing alter ego is revealing her disagreeable self. And yet, God demonstrates infinite patience. He waits while I whine. He comforts through my complaints.

“Get up!”  We grow comfortable, fall asleep, become paralyzed by our fears, and immobilized by our sins. We need to stand up and get going. So, like it or not, I will get up and go. I will let God move my family and wait while He once again moves in my life.

The Autumn of Our Lives

As I watched the last leaves of autumn lose their grip and fall, I couldn’t help but realize how we are so much like those dying leaves.  We’ve moved through the spring of our lives, have languished the long days of summer, and as we have moved into autumn, we have given one last brilliant display of beauty trying so hard to outshine the glories we have known.  But now the longer nights and cooler air have affected our beauty, and we find ourselves turning brown and crisp along the edges.  We try so desperately to hold on to the tree of our youth, gripping the branches with weakening strength.  We are so afraid to fall.  The ground below appears barren and hard—so unwelcoming to our increasingly fragile state.  We can’t fall to the earth among the scattered lives of those who have gone before us.  We are terrified of aging in a society that worships youth and beauty.

Yet, as I observed one leaf being pulled and tugged by the winds of change and quietly lose its hold, the resulting fall was more peaceful than anything I had ever experienced.  I watched the journey as it glided on a gentle current so very elegantly until it was gently placed on the leaf littered ground.    It didn’t toss or turn, spinning violently on the axis of its main vein but glided softly.  I found myself wanting to be that leaf and take that journey.

The autumn and winter of our lives should be the most enriching periods of our lives.  When others watch our journey, they shouldn’t see the struggle but the beauty of the fall.  As those leaves decompose during the bitter cold of winter, they enrich the soil providing much needed nutrients that will cultivate the new blossoms of spring.  New trees will grow in that rich soil and new life will bless the earth.  Our lives should be lived in such a way that when we reach the winter of our lives, we will know we have nurtured those around us in such a way that more glorious things will grow from the compost of our lives. 

Don’t be afraid to let go when the autumn of life comes because during the winter you will find that your life can be more valuable than it ever was in the spring.

Why Is Purity Important for My Future?

Almost every teenage girl has dreamed of the day that she will meet the man of her dreams. Soon afterwards, he will realize that she is the only woman he could ever love, and as he descends to one knee, he will reach into his side coat pocket and expose a black velvet ring box. “Will you marry me?” The answer is always “Yes!” and they live happily ever after.  Or do they?

Growing up on fairy tales and Barbie movies, every little girl has believed in the “happily ever after” scenario at some point in her life. However, reality is no fairy tale and the castles usually crumble shortly after the “I do’s” are whispered and the first dispute arises revealing that you are not married to Prince Charming. Instead you feel as if you kissed your prince and he turned into a toad.  Then children arrive on the scene and the fantasy falls apart. So much for happily ever after.

Marriage is difficult. It requires work and dedication. It is not for the weak. We need to enter into the covenant relationship of marriage with as little baggage as possible. Starting off with a past full of sexual sin and emotional attachments can doom a marriage before the vows are even spoken. You will not have a problem-free marriage; however, you can make decisions now that will improve and strengthen the intimacy you will have with your future husband. Marriage is difficult, but you can make it easier. Choosing a life guided by the principles of purity will increase the odds of your marriage not only surviving but also thriving.

In our backyard we have fruit trees and grape vines. Waiting for the fruit to ripen on the branch or the vine is difficult during the late days of summer and early days of fall. However, the tartness of a not quite ripe grape is usually enough to keep me from picking the fruit before its time. I cannot tell you how many times I have gazed longingly upon a plum-colored grape, bursting with juice and thought, “Now it’s time,” and picked it, only to spit it out in disgust because it just wasn’t ready to be harvested. We manage to do the same thing with sex. There it is, hanging on the vine, just ready to be plucked off and enjoyed. Our greedy fingers grab hold of it, consume it, and then spew it onto the ground, ruining the sweetness of what we might have known had we only waited. Do you want to rob yourself of the sweetness that comes from the rush of that first kiss or the nerve-tingling excitement of the first embrace? Physical intimacy before marriage deprives you of the ultimate pleasure of that first bite.

God wants us to enjoy the intimacies of sex within the protective walls of a covenant relationship. Instead, our society has traded the perfect for the passing pleasure of the moment, and we are suffering the consequences. Sex binds people in a way that nothing else can, and it also has the power to break people when it is abused. That is why God is so clear about sexual immorality and marriage. There are no gray areas. This is not one of those “disputable” matters. God has a plan, and the purpose of that plan is to protect marriages and His covenant relationship with believers.

What is God’s plan for physical intimacy?

When God created Adam, he created in Adam’s being a need for human companionship. Read Genesis 2:15-24. In verse 20, what did Adam realize?

Although surrounded by creatures of every kind, Adam was lonely. He had no one of equal status to share his newfound discoveries. God knew this would happen. He had placed within Adam a longing for companionship—the foundation of all relationships. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep, took one of his ribs, and formed a stunning woman from the same materials He had used to make Adam. Adam took one look at Eve and said, “Ah, flesh of my flesh! She will be called woman.” And as they consummated their relationship, they became one. They were married—no ceremony, no license; just God’s blessing. The physical act is what established the union of marriage. What does the Bible say in Genesis 2:24?

I think you know what “one flesh” means. Did you realize that in God’s eyes, sex equals marriage? Let’s take a look at another biblical couple. If you fast forward through the book of Genesis to chapter twenty-four, you will read the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was Abraham’s son, the fulfillment of God’s promise. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. When the servant returned to Canaan with Rebekah, Isaac was out in the field meditating. At the same time Isaac saw the servant approaching with the lovely Rebekah, Rebekah noticed him and made inquiries. When she discovered it was her husband to be, she covered herself with her veil (a sign of her virginity). Isaac made his way to the small group and was informed of all that had occurred. This maiden was to be his wife. What happened then? Did they have a time of courtship while planning a lavish wedding? No, because in that time period a ceremony did not constitute marriage. Genesis 24:67 tells us “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife.” That was it! When a man had sexual relations with a woman, he entered into a binding, covenant relationship that could not be undone. This is the union that makes us one. Sex is marriage.

Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.  Did men have the option of having casual sex with unmarried women?

Now read 2 Samuel 13:1-20.  This is the story of Tamar, a beautiful daughter of King David. Her half-brother, Amnon lusted after her to the point he thought it was love. What does Tamar say to Amnon in verse 16 after he has violated her?

Tamar knew that she would no longer be eligible for marriage. Her virginity had been defiled. She was a ruined woman. How does this compare to today’s view of a woman who has had sex before marriage?

How did we get to a point where we can use “casual” and “sex” in the same sentence, let alone use casual as an adjective to describe sex? If you look in a thesaurus, one of the antonyms listed for the word “casual” is “designed.” Casual sex is the exact opposite of what God designed! 

God’s plan for any type of physical intimacy includes guard rails to keep your life on the right path. The covenant relationship of marriage provides the protection you need. You have been entrusted with a treasure that once given away cannot easily be recovered. Your purity is priceless.

How will choosing purity impact my future?

If marriage is part of your future plans, then how you live right now determines how much intimacy you will have with your future husband. You are building the foundation right now. When you finally meet the man you desire to spend the rest of your life with, you will promise to love, cherish and honor one another until death do you part. This is a covenant relationship. Look up the word “covenant” in the dictionary.  Write the definition.

A covenant is a binding agreement.  It literally means “a coming together.” Think of it as super glue. If you glue paper together and let the adhesive dry, you have created one thick piece of paper. You cannot make it two again without causing damage to the individual pieces. The paper is ruined if you try to tear it apart. That word picture should help you to better understand what God had in mind when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:5-6).

Can you join together with someone emotionally or physically and break away from that intimate relationship without being damaged? Explain your answer.

When two pieces of paper have been joined together, it is impossible to tear them apart without leaving small remnants of each piece behind on the other piece. When you make emotional and physical attachments, you cannot break off a relationship without leaving a part of you behind. How much of “you” do you want to offer to your husband? How much of your husband do you want him to offer you? Think about that question for a moment and then answer it honestly.

Those leftover pieces have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times.  They have a nasty habit of developing into full grown road blocks that obstruct the path which leads to intimacy in marriage.  Only you have the power to choose a lifestyle right now which will keep your course clear.

I realize that the society in which you live bombards you daily with hyper-sexualized images. The world’s standards are nonexistent when it comes to purity. “You only live once!” You have been taught to expect instant gratification. Why wait when you can have it all now? The “live in the moment” mindset dominates the decision making process of generations y and z.  However, you must realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your choices have consequences; and just because you cannot easily visualize the effects of the choices you make today, do not think for a moment that you have escaped them. Whether you pay now or later, you will pay.

What do you think some of the costs are of not choosing purity as a lifestyle?

Premarital sex and impure sexual desires cheapen sex inside of marriage. The beauty of what God has in store is stolen. God created sex and the way He planned it is better than any cheap, X-rated film—better than even the most romantic movie Hollywood can imagine. It is more pleasurable than the lust-driven, heat-of-the-moment romps portrayed in the movies being released in record number that are aimed at teenage viewers. It is finer than the photo shopped, airbrushed images in a magazine. It is even more exciting than forbidden love because it is not associated with guilt. There is no bitter aftertaste that stays with you robbing you of the sweetness of true sexual pleasure that satisfies with tenderness rather than tension. That is how God designed it. Why are we letting our sex-saturated culture snatch this away from us with its cheap, counterfeit version?

Do no buy into the terrible lies the world will feed you. Society’s offering to engage in sexual sin has turned something that should be treasured and preserved into a form of self-indulgent entertainment. You will suffer great loss by believing the propaganda that is being hurled at you through music, movies, and social media. The relationship you long to have with the man to whom you will pledge your life is dependent upon the choices you make now. Choose wisely knowing that the foundation of your future is being laid right now.

Why Is Purity Important for My Present?

According to the Social Security Administration, the average life expectancy in 2014 for a 16 year old girl is 86.4 years (http://www.socialsecurity.gov/cgi-bin/longevity.cgi), which means you have lived only about one-sixth of your life. Adults are always instructing you how you should live your life with the future in mind, yet you have barely lived long enough to have a reference point for the present, let alone the future.  How can you be expected to plan for the rest of your life when you have so little life experience upon which you may draw? To top things off, teenagers today are dealing with far more than they did twenty to thirty years ago. Homework, stretching late into the evenings; athletics, requiring hours and hours of practice and games; music lessons, which require rehearsals; SAT prep classes; volunteering at church; and special interest clubs all compete for your time and attention.  No wonder you can’t envision the future! Your present is so full it has completely blinded you to what might happen a month from now, let alone ten years from now.  And all of this is accompanied by stress.  According to one report, the proportion of 15 to 16 year olds who report often feeling anxious or depressed has doubled in the last thirty years,     (http://www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/increased-levels-anxiety-and-depression-teenage-experience-changes-over-time). 

I get it. Much of what you are experiencing is due to your vantage point and the physiological changes which are occurring within your body. As you mature, your brain is being bombarded with hormones. These hormones can cause mood swings, sensitivity, anger, depression, and self-hatred.  There is a lot going on. Is it any wonder our young people are looking for instant gratification? Life is so complex, so demanding, that the temptation to escape the current environment and to feel the thrill of the moment is too overwhelming to resist. And yet when speaking to young people, the older generation still uses the same old arguments that they have been making for thirty plus years:  “Think of the future; someday you will be glad you made the choice to…. How will this impact your life? What are your long-term goals?”

I could sit here all day and tell you how keeping yourself pure is important for your future, but like I said, if you cannot imagine a future with you in it, I have not given you anything that is applicable to your life today; and therefore, my words are meaningless. So, why is purity important for your present? How will living a lifestyle of purity benefit you right now?

 Self-esteem

Making good choices—choosing purity—actually helps you feel better about yourself.   Foolish choices can doom you and produce self-hate.

Think about a time when you caved to peer pressure and did something in order to “fit in.” How did you feel afterwards? What happened to your sense of value?

Now, think about a time when you chose to do the right thing. How did you feel about yourself? Did you feel better about who you are?

Any girl who has lost her purity can testify to the fact that the first time she did something to compromise it, there was tremendous guilt and self-loathing. It may feel thrilling and exciting in the moment, but as soon as you are left alone to process what you have done, the shame sets in. It may be easy for a young lady to harden herself and pretend that her experience was amazing and beneficial, but deep down, she knows. Her confidence starts to wane. She starts to look to others to find her self-worth, only to discover that man will fail a person a thousand times over. She may appear to be on top of the world; but behind her smile there is a heart breaking into a million pieces—a life spiraling downward with no bottom in sight.

God’s Word indicates that He takes sex seriously. Peruse the books of Exodus and Deuteronomy and you will find laws concerning whom you may have sex with and when. This is not to be taken lightly. God knew we would pervert this wonderful gift that He had given to man during creation in the Garden of Eden. He also knew that by abusing His gift, we would not only corrupt our relationships with others, but we would also damage our relationship with God.

How can impurity damage your relationship with God?

Read Psalm 32:3-5. This Psalm was written by King David. We are not sure what the incident was that motivated him to write this psalm, but obviously, he was feeling tremendous guilt about some sin in his life. How did David feel before he acknowledged his sin to God?

Now page to the right a few pages and read Psalm 66:18?  What does this verse indicate about how sin affects our prayers?

Sin wracks us with guilt and stands in the way of our prayers. It harms our relationship with God. When our fellowship with God is impaired, our self-esteem plunges. Loving God is how we learn to love ourselves. Being in communion with Him is life-changing. God cannot be in the presence of sin. Habakkuk 1:13a states, “Your [God’s] eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong.” Choosing purity in a way is choosing God. And by choosing God, self-worth will follow.

Self-control

If you have been in church long enough, you have at some point in your life heard someone speak about the “fruit of the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that the “fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Why is self-control so important in a person’s life and how can it benefit you right now? We have all heard the saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” But from where does this idea of waiting come and for what good things am I waiting?

Let’s look at a few Bible verses that deal with delayed gratification.  Read the following verses and for each, write down what you learn about waiting:

Lamentations 3:25: 

Psalm 27:14: 

Psalm 37:7: 

Micah 7:7: 

Isaiah 30:18: 

Isaiah 40:31: 

James 5:7: 

As a Christian, your whole life is lived waiting for death or Jesus’ advent so that you might live in heaven. We are waiting on God, waiting on blessings, waiting on heaven, waiting to be reunited with those whom we have lost, and waiting to be transformed into our heavenly bodies which will know no sorrow, sickness, or pain. If you cannot learn to be patient—to be self-controlled—then this life is going to be pretty miserable for you.

Song of Songs 2:7 instructs young ladies, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Even love is a waiting game, and perhaps the most important one you will play. By waiting to engage in physical intimacy right now you are learning self-control. You are learning to wait upon your Savior in a world where “waiting” has been turned into a four-letter word. Postponing passion gives you an edge. The discipline you will develop through waiting will give you an advantage in everything you do.

To Be Set apart

You are special. When you accepted Christ as your personal Savior, you became part of an amazing family with characteristics that are very similar to other members of God’s family. Christians should look like they are related—in their behavior, their speech, their entertainment choices, and their love. You should not look like the rest of the world because you do not belong to that family. You are royalty, and as such, certain expectations should be met, as in any royal family. You would never see the queen of England getting drunk and dancing on a table or appearing in public without being decently attired. Royalty shouldn’t behave as a commoner might. That is why it was such a scandalous affair when Prince Harry was photographed drunk and nude at a private party. Monarchs should never engage in such crude behavior. Guess what? As a member of God’s family, there are expectations of behavior for you, too.

Before you were adopted into God’s family, the highest price was paid for your membership. Read 1 Corinthians 6:18-20.  How does choosing purity—behaving differently from the rest of the world—honor God and demonstrate your love for Him?

Read Romans 12:2. What does it mean to you to not conform to the pattern of this world? How do we keep from behaving like the world?

We are to be different! We shouldn’t act like the world around us. Daily, we have to set it in our hearts to stand firm and be different. We are to be in the world—not of the world.

Now read Titus 2:11-14. What teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions? When are we to live godly lives?

God’s grace teaches us. His Spirit is inside every believer, teaching and guiding. Now is the time in which we are to live self-controlled and upright lives while we wait for Jesus to return for those He calls His very own.

Read 1 John 2:15-17. If you love the world, is the love of God in you? (please, understand that when these verses speak about loving the world, they are not referring to people in the world or the created world, but the world—or realm—of sin; we are not to love sin and the things associated with it) What will happen to this world?

As we have already discovered, God cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, if you want Jesus to be with you today, walking every step of the path with you, you must put away sinful desires.

This is not what the world teaches. The world’s philosophy is, if it feels right to you, then it must be good. Purity is not embraced by the world and taking a stand for it will feel very lonely and downright uncomfortable at times. However, 1 John 3:13 tells us, “Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you.” Like I said though, you shouldn’t look like the world. The world does not own you. You have been adopted into a royal family full of love and grace. You need to play the part. You are not a commoner, so do not let the world pull you down and sully your regal robes.  Stand firm with your head held high and know that because you are so very loved, you have been set apart.

My Book

Many people spend a lifetime searching for intimacy—intimacy with parents, with friends, and eventually with a spouse. Yet sometimes the road to intimacy is littered with debris from our past, and we find ourselves immobilized by our fears and failures. How do we escape the consequences of our unwise choices? How do we move into the future when our past has obstructed the way? Can spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy be restored to a marriage which seems on the verge of destruction?

These were the questions I found myself asking seven years ago. My marriage was on the verge of destruction, when I found myself on my knees pleading with God to reveal the answers to me. I didn’t realize that the journey would begin with me as God began to expose my shortcomings. Ever so slowly, God took my hand in His as He guided me on a journey that led to complete intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical.

This book was written as a study guide for women who find themselves in a battle as they try to build or discover intimacy in marriage. It answers the questions which God answered for me.  It is God’s desire to breathe new life into your marriage.  Change is never easy, especially when it begins within. However, with God leading the way, you will break free from your fears and move into His glorious light.  You will be rewarded with what every married couple has desired at some point during their lives—to be more personally connected with their spouses—one of the most important relationships they will ever have.

http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Intimacy-Marriage-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1939761247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1413718031&sr=1-1&keywords=finding+intimacy+in+marriage