A Letter to Teen Girls Concerning Intimacy

Dear Beautiful Young Lady,

Developing an exclusive relationship with someone before you are spiritually, emotionally, and financially prepared to commit to marriage is morally wrong. The Bible is very clear that love must be sincere.  Strong emotional attachments lead to physical intimacy which is never condoned by God before marriage. I have seen too many young couples  who have become emotionally intimate struggle to keep from becoming physically intimate, a temptation that never would have been an issue had they remained friends. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, teens who are dating exclusively are more likely to have sex earlier than teens who do not.  

Every time a young person becomes emotionally intimate with another person, she is giving satan ammunition to use against her later in life once she is married and enduring the very real and normal struggles that come from being married. Satan will bring that person from the past into the present and start asking, “What if…?” questions. Every attachment provides more ammunition. Every attachment starts to wear away at the guard rails God put into place to protect the emotional intimacy in a marriage.  Every time you give your heart away, you give away a part of you that you can never get back. You are stealing all those “firsts” from your future spouse—first love, first hug, first spark, first kiss.  Developing romantic love and loyalty with a young man is like living out one of the privileges of marriage without the responsibility of being married. It also tends to quickly move a relationship toward physical intimacy. Also, shouldn’t that exclusive emotional attachment be reserved for your future husband?

I am saying all of this because I ask and I pray that you consider the risks of emotional attachments that may or may not lead to marriage. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Guard your heart as you develop any relationship. Make friendship the goal, not romance. Think of your future spouse at all times and whether or not you will feel completely comfortable in the future revealing every aspect of your relationship with him. He should never feel as if he has lost a part of you to another man. Your heart belongs wholly to him.

I do apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. That is not my intent. My goal is to ensure that you go into your marriage someday completely pure emotionally and physically.  You are building the foundation for intimacy in your marriage right now. Let that foundation be built on the Rock, by living out the principles He has placed within His word to allow you success.

Blessings,

Kim

Love, Honor, and Cherish?

I have a confession to make.  I have not kept my wedding vows.  I promised to “love, honor, and cherish” my husband until “death do us part,” and I barely made it through our first week of marriage before I broke at least one of those promises.

Love—honor—cherish.  Are they meaningless words echoed while gazing into the eyes of your future spouse while dreaming of the reception and honeymoon?  Or are they words that fall from your tongue while your families and friends witness the exchange of vows—vows which many of us never contemplate even once after the ceremony is over?  What do these three little transitive verbs mean?  I mean, most of us realize what it is to love; but what about to honor and to cherish?

To honor someone is to respect, to revere, and to treat him with deference.  It is to treat him with the highest regard in words and actions.  To cherish someone is very similar.  To cherish my husband, I need to treat him in an encouraging manner by protecting, aiding, and attending.  Even my mind should harbor thoughts which hold him dear and embrace him with affection. 

Proverbs 31:11-12 states, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm, all the days of her life.”  That is honor.  You will notice, these verses do not stipulate to bring him good only if he brings you good first.  This is a formidable imperative.  Am I the only one who finds it daunting?  I don’t want to honor Woody on those days when I feel as if he is being obnoxious and overbearing.  And what is this with him always thinking he has to be right?  I hate having to swallow my pride in order to make peace. 

So how do we go about keeping our vows? By going to the source of love.  God is love!  When I consider how He has given me excellence when I deserved death, then swallowing my pride in order to bring about peace becomes simple.  And just as Proverbs reveals, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”  Once I have replenished my supply, loving, honoring, and cherishing Woody is effortless.

Love, honor, and cherish—if you are struggling to keep these vows, meditate upon what the words mean.  Identify the areas in your life where you are not putting the words into action and then go to the source of all love and wisdom, and soon keeping  your wedding vows will become effortless.

What Does God Have To Do With Intimacy, Part 2

Read Genesis 2:8-25.  In verse 18 what does God say is not good for man?

God immediately recognized Adam’s need for companionship—that it was not good for man to be alone.  God had brought all of the animals to Adam, but Adam had not been able to find a companion comparable to him.

Take another look at Genesis 2:23.  What does Adam recognize immediately concerning his relationship with the woman?  He immediately realized that Eve was a part of him, the intimate connection was made.   What does it mean to you to become “one flesh?”

There is an intimacy in becoming “one flesh” that we have lost sight of in today’s society.  Since the “sexual revolution” we no longer understand the tender familiarity that should take place between a husband and a wife when they become “one flesh.”  It should be a sweet mystery to be discovered within the protective bonds of a marriage.

Verse twenty-five reads, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”  I love that visual!  To stand before each other, completely exposed, vulnerable in every sense and to experience no shame, no threat of wrongdoing by the other, to completely trust!  Have you ever stood in front of your husband completely naked, literally and figuratively?  If you have never been able to stand before your husband utterly defenseless in your nakedness, what has prevented you from doing so?

Marriage was created on the sixth day in the Garden of Eden.  God’s plan was for a man and a woman to become one and in doing so, stand unashamed before Him and each other entirely stripped of all pretenses, trusting, loving, and knowing.  We can’t genuinely know another until we have stood before him without any barriers blocking our view.

In Genesis 24:62-66 we can read the story of Isaac and Rebekah.  Rebekah was an answer to prayer.  She went willingly with Abraham’s servant away from all that she loved and knew to marry a man whom she had never met.  All she truly knew was that he was a man of God.  In this passage we are invited to take a glimpse into that first meeting.  We see Rebekah climbing down from her camel and covering herself.  You can almost picture Isaac taking her in, realizing God’s choice for his life.  And then verse 66 says it all, “he married Rebekah…and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”  She was his comfort, his love, his answer to prayer.  He took her into his tent without any shame, without any deception.  They became one flesh and completely understood what it meant to be in a covenant, intimate relationship with a spouse. 

Again, we see God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage.  We should be comforted and loved.  Exposed and trusting.  These two passages do not even begin to encompass all that God has planned for us as His children.  How excited I was to discover God’s purpose for my marriage!  He has the same plans for you and your marriage.  Think on that for a moment…God wants you to find love, trust, and comfort.  Do you trust God to fulfill His intentions for your marriage?  If not, ask Him now to give you the faith to know He is a God of purpose and promise.

“Thank you, Lord, for your unfailing love.  Thank you for planning my life and letting the union with my spouse be a part of Your plan.  Help me to trust Your goals for my marriage.  Let me feel Your loving presence within my home, constantly holding me up and reassuring me.  In Jesus’ holy name I pray.   Amen”   

What Does God Have to Do with Intimacy? Part 1

It is hard to understand what our relationships with others are to look like until we have a personal relationship with our creator God.   Until we have crawled into His loving presence and have experienced His grace, we cannot fully comprehend what it means to completely trust without fear of rejection.  Until we have experienced His unconditional love, it is virtually impossible to understand true intimacy.  Unfortunately, this all-consuming knowledge of God did not happen until after I was married.

To say my relationship with Woody suffered much during the first several years of our marriage is an understatement.  I was a brand new, recommitted Christian, and my husband was somewhat Gnostic.  He believed in a God; he just wasn’t sure how personal or real that “God” should be.  To complicate matters, we had had a child before our nuptials.  To start off a marriage with a child and unequally yoked had definitely not been God’s plan.  

During my first year of marriage, I began to feel God’s loving presence as He wooed me back into a committed relationship with Him.  I fell “head over heels” in love with our wonderful Creator and everything in my life took on a new appearance.  God transformed my ideas as to the type of wife and mother I should be.  The journey, nonetheless, would prove to be difficult and full of obstacles, the biggest obstacle being my pride.

I praise God that during this time Woody was patient and stayed the course.  The new Christian I had become was judgmental, stubborn, and self-righteous.  Woody’s every action came under my scrutinizing gaze.  If he did anything that I deemed “un-Christ-like,” I was the first to notify him of it.  Our relationship did not grow closer as it should have.  My faith had put a wedge between us.  God slowly changed my heart, and as I matured I saw my sin of pride for what it was.  My stubbornness became submission; my judgmental, self-righteousness became humility.  I learned to bite my tongue and let God deal with Woody’s heart.  Regrettably, the damage had been done in my relationship with him.  We had become so emotionally distant that I didn’t know how to traverse the expanse that separated us.

It was during this time that I came to the realization that intimacy has absolutely nothing to do with sex and everything to do with a spiritual connection.  God has everything to do with intimacy.  He created you to have an intimate relationship with your spouse.  Somehow during the course of history, we have skewed the definition of intimacy that God has planned for His children.  The first step in regaining that closeness is understanding God’s plan for marriage and how God is intricately involved in our relationships.  Only then can we achieve intimacy with another person.

Sex Is Hateful

So many people young and old choose to have sex outside of marriage. We are a nation where freedom to choose is flaunted as the distinguishing factor that separates us from inferior cultures.  We may choose to engage in any activity—within the boundaries of the law—even if it is dangerous and destructive. During the sexual revolution we were “liberated” from Judeo-Christian standards which taught that sex outside of marriage was a “sin.” Now we live in a modern society where each man may adopt whatever moral standard he chooses, which means “sin” is an antiquated idea spoken by religious fanatics.  So, the choice to have pre- or extra-marital sex should not come as a surprise to anyone nor should it be spoken against.  However, that is exactly what I intend to do.

Sex is hateful.  It is a physical activity devoid of emotion or commitment. It is about self-gratification, full of lust and devoid of love.  It is a passionate act in which self-control has been disregarded or never existed.  It thinks only of the moment and never of the consequences.  Sex was never part of God’s design.  However, intimacy was and is.  By God’s design, physical intimacy was meant to bind two people together for life as one unit. The act itself was the covenant which made man and woman husband and wife. Making love was and is supposed to be just that—an extension and expression of a married couple’s love.   So why are we short-changing our lives and settling for sex?

Girls, the only way to ensure that sex is not merely a physical act—that it truly is love making—is to wait until he promises not only to have you but to also hold you through sickness and health, through the valleys as well as the mountain top experiences. If he really loves you, he will want to wait and completely commit.  Look at King David’s daughter, Tamar, in 2 Samuel 13.  If you read the story, you will learn that Amnon desired Tamar.  Amnon had sex with Tamar and then threw her away, wasted goods. He stole her youth, beauty, and innocence.  There was nothing left for Tamar to give. Amnon had taken the most valuable thing from her.  Yet, he had sworn he was “in love” and would die without her. However, as soon as he had taken her, he hated her as much as he had claimed to love her. Sex without the sacrifice of commitment is cruel and hateful.

Lust is not love.  It will fade. True love waits and is unwavering.  Why would someone ask you to wait for marriage but yet not expect to wait for physical intimacy? How is that love?  True love commits.  So, what will you choose, a moment of physical pleasure or a lifetime of committed love? 

Joy Is a Choice

You are on a journey leading down a pathway strewn with boulders and loose gravel.  With every step, there is the possibility that you will end up face down in the dirt, nursing your wounds.  Yet you do not have to make your way through the pitfalls alone.  You can choose to accept or reject the assistance made available to all of us.  However, when you reject the loving hand reaching out to catch your fall, do not complain to Him when you are lying in the sand covered in your filth and shame.  You made a choice.

No one is free from suffering.  We all hurt.  We all bleed.  We all cry.  The choice comes in how you deal with disappointment.  If you choose to focus on the negative, your life will be full of negativity.   Joy is a choice.  I chose to accept the joy offered to me when I repented of my sins and became a Christ follower.  I still have to choose that joy on a daily basis.  It requires focus and faith.  Why do you assume that affliction is particular to you?  It is not!  “Oh, but I can’t choose to be happy!  I can’t remember the good!  Too much pain stands in my way!” You moan and whine, convinced that your miserable life is quite unlike any other.  However, have you suffered to the point of death?  Most likely, you have not or you would not be able to wail so heartily.   You have closed your eyes to the light which wants to flood your soul and remove your agony and grief.

I have as much right as anyone to bemoan my life.  I could focus on being thrown up against a wall when I was six years old by an intoxicated relative and punched in the face.  This was only the first of many abusive encounters.  I could focus on being repeatedly raped from the time I was eight years old until I was ten by a close family friend.  I could focus on being neglected and unloved by those who were placed on this earth to shelter and love me.  But I won’t!  I can’t!  I have been set free.  I have been saved!  There is a life time of joy in just that incident alone.  But if the source ever runs dry, I have been blessed beyond measure since that day.  Is my life perfect?  Far from it!  I have three teenagers, after all, and an unemployed husband.  Yet, I am blessed.  I have made the choice to accept the hand, to lay down my burdens, and to focus on the One who saved me.  

Perhaps, it is time that you do the same.

Saying Goodbye...

My first memories of Pat bring warmth and comfort. I remember visiting her with my dad as a very small child and her kind words accompanied by a smile brought comfort to a very shy little girl. I remember loving her baby boy who would eventually become my brother, as if he were my own. It was easy to discover love in a home where I felt welcomed and appreciated.

Although my relationship with the woman who would become my step-mother grew strained as I hit my teen years, I know much of the fault was mine. I was difficult to love; yet Pat continued to welcome me into her home and continued to profess her love for me. As I matured into a woman, I appreciated Pat much more than I had as a child. I loved the happiness and care she gave to my father. I will never forget how my dad looked at her and spoke to her, especially as he was dying. One moment in particular stands out to me; it was an opportunity that let me witness a demonstration of their unique bond. Pat leaned over my dad’s hospital bed, and with her face inches above his, she gently wiped away a strand of hair from his forehead and softly declared her love for him—a man I knew from all of our lengthy conversations, she had loved since she was 16 years old.  Although their journey back to each other was not without a few bumps and bruises, they had an extraordinary bond, and for that I will always be extremely thankful.

I know I will forever hold fond memories of the stories Pat told me about her youth. I enjoyed being transported back in time by her vivid descriptions. I could almost feel the wind racing through my hair as she bolted around a barrel on the back of her trusty steed. I felt the pain and wanting of her injury from a horse fall that left her body broken. Her stories never ceased to entertain, and through them I learned to love her more.

And who can forget Pat’s love for animals? She always knew I was the person to call with a sympathetic ear when she had rescued yet another stray. We shared a desire to protect the unprotected—God’s weakest, unlovable creatures. In fact, it was the rescue of abandoned kittens shortly after our dad’s death that brought her some joy and purpose. We united over more than one wandering animal which would find its life blessed by Pat’s loving care.

I could share countless memories, impart words of wisdom I received, and continue to dole out demonstrations of affection for a woman who has shared much of the journey of my life with me. However, I know we do not have the time. So the words I wish to express now I give perhaps as a warning.  Life is too short to let the business of our days get in the way of speaking the words we need to say.  You never know when that phone call may come. Our days are numbered before they begin and every day should count for the edification of others. I was given the chance by God’s grace to make the phone call and speak all of the words I wished Pat to hear before she left this earth. But we do not always receive such a chance.  Choose today to make that phone call. Do not assume that tomorrow will come and you may express your love then. The moment is now.

When I asked my children to share their memories of Grandma Thompson, I found that although they could not name a specific time or place, they all could describe the way they felt whenever they visited Grandma and Grandpa Thompson. It was a feeling of love and acceptance. Grandma’s graciousness always ready to give them soda and cookies (like all over indulgent grandparents). If I protested, Pat would look at me and firmly state, “Oh, Kim, a little bit won’t hurt them,” as she would relinquish yet another cookie or piece of candy. Indulgent…loving…protecting.  I quickly realized how similar my children’s memories were to mine. The grandma they knew was the same woman I remember from the time I was a toddler, and I imagine the smiles they were so familiar with were the same smiles that grace my memories. The warmth and comfort that brought me out of my shell are the same feelings which they will treasure in their hearts as they recall their Grandma and Grandpa Thompson.

Thank you, Pat. I know I didn’t make it easy and I am so glad I grew to know and love you. You will be missed more than you could ever imagine.