Last night I cried myself to
sleep. Tomorrow Haden turns 16, and the thought of celebrating another birthday
without his daddy’s boisterous laughter and over the top antics was just too
much to bear. Woody loved birthdays. Celebrations were his forte. And now, it’s
just the two of us. Hunter and Haley are both away at school, and though I
invited a friend to have birthday dinner with us and watch Haden open his
gifts, I know it was a poor substitution
.
I often wonder how Haden truly
feels. He was so close to his dad. He admired him so deeply. Of all my
children, Haden is the most like Woody. He is sensitive and empathetic;
selfless and kind. He rarely speaks about Woody and the day he died. He has
buried that day beneath a mountain of rock. It’s as if Woody is on a permanent
vacation. However, what can I expect? That day was too horrific. How can I
expect him to deal with the emotions of watching his dad fall like a rag doll
over 100 feet until his head smashed into a tree stump? How can I ask him to
talk about the terror of holding his dad on the side of a mountain for over an
hour watching him slowly die, with injuries too gruesome to adequately
articulate? No, we will not bring up that day. It is better to deny its
existence and deal with the loss.
I know Haden’s faith is what
holds him together. He is so firmly rooted. Not once has he doubted God’s love
or faithfulness. However, that doesn’t take away the pain. So, Haden swims and
throws himself into a sport he has grown to love. Rather than striking out, he
works on his strokes. In the pool he forgets and convinces himself that he is
just like any other swimmer. There he has found physical relief for the
emotional pain that haunts him daily.
And I watch and I wish
desperately that Woody were here with me to see the young man Haden is becoming
and the progress he has made. All the success in the world cannot replace an
amazing dad, but perhaps it makes the grief more bearable.
Sixteen. I pray that God brings
Haden healing and hope in this year of his life. I pray that I can be the
mother he needs in order for him to grow into the man that God desires him to be. I
know there will be many more tears, but perhaps this year there will be more
laughter.
