From a Place of Deep Anguish

This post is from the book I am currently writing about Woody's death. So, why am I posting this particular excerpt? Because I believe American culture has a problem with grief. We expect people to hide it after a week or two and for everything to go back to normal. We do not embrace it and accept it as a normal part of life. Death is the only thing we all have in common, yet we pretend that somehow it's avoidable. Therefore, we feel very uncomfortable with the grieving process and the mourners are left feeling as if it is their responsibility to make those around them feel better and to ignore their own need to mourn. As a result, the grieving family members often hurt each other.

I want people to realize grief is ugly and messy and quite normal. I hope the incident I am sharing today helps someone realize that anger is a normal part of grief, especially when accompanied by trauma....

I had been struggling to connect with Haley all month. She often complained about how she felt around her friends. She believed they expected her to be the happy-go-lucky person she always was. So, while she was with them, she would put on a smile and feign happiness. As soon as she arrived home, the façade would fall away and I was unfortunate enough to bear the brunt of her anger. Her outbursts towards me became more vehement by the day.  Nothing I said or did was appropriate. I didn’t know how to parent her in the midst of my grief. We both were on edge, and I did not have the strength or patience to be the consoling mother she needed. While Hunter was home, she began to belittle and openly defy me. Hunter, being my self-appointed protector, jumped into the middle of our argument, which caused Haley’s rage to escalate. She locked herself in her bathroom and yelled out to me, “I wish you had died rather than Dad!” Her words struck me like a fist in the gut. My breath left me and the room began to spin. I knew she was speaking from a place of deep anguish, but it did not soften the impact of the words.

            Hunter and Haden both roared at Haley, condemning her for her words.
"It’s true!” was her furious response. “I wish Mom had died!”

“Shut up! You’re so stupid! How can you say that?” Hunter’s voice was full of shock and fury. He smashed his fist against the bathroom door. I heard a thud and crack. He had knocked a hole in one of the panels on the door.  

I immediately fell to my knees in tears. “Please, stop!” I weakly cried. “I can’t take this.” Hunter and Haden immediately came to me and feebly attempted to comfort my breaking heart. What was happening to us? The seams of our lives were quickly unraveling and I was clueless as to how they would ever be mended. “Please, God!” It was all I could pray. There were no other words. My thoughts were too jumbled and my heart was too damaged. I could not see an end to the anguish that permeated our lives. 

Reflecting on God's Love

I woke up angry. Angry with Woody for leaving me when there is still so much work to do with raising our children to adulthood. Angry that I have to face the rest of life alone. Just ticked! I wanted to scream, but instead I took our dog Piper for a walk. Upon returning, I was ready to spend some time alone with God and pour out my frustrations. “Are you ready for an earful?” Yet, somehow as soon as I hit my knees, all the anger and frustration dissipated. My tears were tears of awe and wonder as I contemplated the fact that I can enter the presence of God. Do you get what a big deal that is? I mean, this is the GOD! Yahweh, Jehovah, Adonai! He is too awesome to fully comprehend and I am too finite to even begin to understand.

I am completely humbled by the fact that I am loved so completely by the God who rules the universe. I am but a cosmic speck. I am nothing! Yet God loves me as if I am everything! Today, instead of letting anger, frustration, or grief control and manipulate your emotions, focus on the fact that this same God loves you immensely.

A Daughter's View Point

A cry for help? Physical pain to cover the emotional torment that plagues a young girl’s life? Whatever the excuse, however it may be labeled; the act itself must be taken seriously. Fear. Desolation. No sense of value. My poor daughter’s world has been turned upside down. Her biggest cheerleader, her constant affirmation, the man who made her feel like the princess she is, is gone—ripped violently from her life in a manner too horrible for words. She watched for hours as he struggled against the agonizing pain—as her mother tried to piece together the back of her daddy’s head in an attempt to stop some of the bleeding. She tried to look into eyes that bulged from his face, closed from the swelling. The mouth that had spoken words of encouragement and kissed her lovingly on the forehead coughed up blood and moaned in agony. “How long?” she cried, exasperated, terrified as we waited for help to come. Fear of plunging down the granite slope plagued her with every move her daddy made. “Please STOP!” And the hours lingered. An eternity was lived within a day.

Angry? A constant state of anger, misery, distress, and dread. Yes, God is real, but she questions His choices. How can good come from this? She sees the people who have been helped, but she really doesn’t care. In all reality, she would let them suffer the wrath of God and be forever lost for one more day with her daddy. There is no room for compassion in the midst of her anguish. Not now. And she is surrounded by people who seem to be healing and managing the grief for which she cannot find resolution. Alone in a world where she has no power or peace.

I know she will survive this. In time the trauma of that day will fade into a distant memory with not as much pain associated with it. Those memories will not cut so deeply, wounding the soul with every remembrance. If she can learn to lean on her Heavenly Father, she will come to know the peace she seeks so desperately. She will learn to trust the world again. She will know where her help comes from. Someday the void in her heart will grow smaller as God fills it with the love of a husband and children of her own. Someday only joy will accompany the memories of her devoted daddy.  

Someday….we are just not there yet.