“Who would like to go?” was the
question that accompanied a dear friend's post on Facebook. She had attached a
link with information about the “Taste of Georgia.” Impulsively I responded
that I would love to go, and then before I could change my mind, I followed the
link and purchased a ticket. Later while communicating via text with the same
friend, I admitted that this future outing will be the first time that I have
socialized with friends sans children since Woody died.
I am conflicted in my emotions.
Part of me is excited at the prospect of grown-up interaction in a relaxed
atmosphere with people I thoroughly enjoy; yet the other half of me feels
guilty—guilty for allowing myself to live and laugh without Woody. It has been
over a year, yet I still feel as if I will wake up one morning and find him
lying next to me in bed with a mischievous grin on his face and explain how it
was all a horrible hoax. I still struggle at the thought of allowing myself to
engage in life, enjoy new experiences, and make new friends without him. I
still miss him with every fiber of my being. Sometimes the feelings of
loneliness and loss overwhelm me, until the pain is a physical ache deep within
my chest. However, at the same time laughter comes quickly. Smiles grace my
lips; and with every bit of joy I experience there is also a twinge of guilt
for allowing myself to be happy.
Perhaps this too shall pass. I
really don’t know. What I do know is that God has carried me through the worst
season of my life, and He will somehow assist me as I navigate through this
next phase of grief.
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