How has it been nearly 10 years since I began this journey of devastating grief and horrific trauma? It seems like a lifetime ago. Not only that, but it also feels like it happened to someone else. I am no longer the person I was the day Woody died. His death, the trauma, and the subsequent fallout that comes in dealing with posttraumatic stress disorder transformed us all. Whether for better or worse remains to be seen, but I’d like to think that we all are better, stronger, more resilient versions of ourselves. If nothing more, we have weathered a storm that nearly destroyed our family and our faith. We have learned to breathe in a world where the motivation to do so was often absent. We have learned to put one step in front of the other and carry on even when every ounce of strength and courage had been stripped from our beings. Our hearts continued to beat and God continued to carry us through the moments when we had cast ourselves on the ground and cried, “Enough!”
I have learned to love again—something I was positive would
never happen. I have found someone who makes me feel safe and is not frightened
by the burdens I carry into a relationship. He loves my children as well as he
loves me. He is deeply saddened by our plight in life, yet he does not pity us.
He sees the people we have become and is truly impressed by the fortitude we
possess. Although this was not something I sought or even desired, I now see it
was something I needed, and I am extremely grateful that this person was
brought into our lives.
He is nothing like Woody, but I am no longer the person I
was before he exited our lives so drastically. My needs in a relationship have
changed because the transformation in me was so dramatic. After surviving such
harrowing trauma one cannot expect to come out on the other side unscathed. You
will be changed and what you require in the future will not be the same as it
was in the past. This is not bad or good, it’s neutral and natural. We cannot hold
onto who we were or how things used to be. We cannot go out searching for what
we had because who we were when we had it is no longer there. Embrace the
person you have become and cast aside the fear of something novel. Change is
frightening, but when we stand still, we do not grow.
I hope that in sharing my newfound love it may encourage
those who are trying to rebuild after a devastating loss either through death
or divorce. Life does not cease to move forward even though you feel as if it
has ended. Love is something we were created to do. We are relational creatures
who need each other. However, you must put the work into healing and letting
God restore the brokenness in you before you hope to allow someone in. You must
have a whole self to give before you can commit yourself to someone else. Until
then, allow time to mend and teach you how to live with—notice I did not say “get
over”—the loss and trauma. Just know you will come out on the other side
stronger than before you began the journey and some day you will learn to laugh
and love once again.
